I am sure that our children know our inner feelings and know that whatever we do or cannot do is a case of survival. We do or do not do whatever helps us to put one foot in front of the other. At first I would go to my Daughters grave alot now it is very hard for me to go and I know she understands that it is a way of coping that she is now and will forever be in my heart. Randy knows that about you also that you do whatever it takes to make it through the days with half your heart missing. I send you love and prayers.
Our babies are not there, they are always with us and in our hearts. I know, I can't go all the time that I want to, because when I do I sob uncontrolably, always when I go by myself. I don't like to go with anyone with me because I can't be myself and just let it out and talk to him and I know he wouldn't want that. I need to go though and keep it nice because I never want to think I forgot about him, but I know he wouldn't think that. I planted a little garden in my back yard with marigolds and you should see it, they are all over now almost like a foot high and they spread out it's amazing. I put a fairy angel there and some solar lights and I put his picture on the fence with his name that tacked to the fence too, it's my Timmy Garden and I just look out the window when I feel the need to find some comfort because when i go to the cemetary I know he is under the dirt and ground and it breaks me to pieces, but I still go not as often as I want to because I know I can't.
My son's birthday is the 22nd of this month and I so dread the day that use to bring me so much joy. During these times, you have to do what is best for you so that you don't fall so deep in depression you can't get out again. It is not meant to be that any of us celebrate our child's life here on earth at a cemetary so it is understandable if you can't go. Terrell has been gone for almost 6 years and there have been some birthdays when I just couldn't bear seeing my son's name on a headstone and others when I released balloons and felt a little joy..it all depends on what I can handle. God and Randy understand whatever choice you make because Randy doesn't live in a graveyard, he lives in Heaven and will always live in your heart until the day you are reunited.