Hello Sister Moms... It's been a while, I knew you would leave the light on for me.
I found you all shortly after my 21 year old son Wesley was stabbed to death July 19, 2004. It makes my skin crawl to type that date because up until then it was just another day.
The words "there is nothing worse than the loss of a child" is a fact that everyone hears now and then and can simply dismiss because they can't tap into what it feels like. The human brain will not allow a parent
to "go there".
"I wouldn't be able to handle it if...." OR "I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to my.."
I actually said those words months before I got the phone call.
Words, words, words. Nobody who loved me could help me feel better. Well maybe they could do my dishes.
Standing in line at the grocery store I'm always thinking "they don't know I'm the mom of a dead kid".
Sometimes I get teary eyed, I dare someone to ask me what is wrong. Driving to and from where ever, all the people look as if nothing is wrong. How can they not know that they are different because my son was murdered!
How could they not know how lucky they are to see their sleeping child in bed every night.
Does anyone ever hug their kid like we would if we could right now?
My granddaughter was born one month (to the day) after
Wes was murdered. She is my mile marker for time. Her brother was 20 months old when she was born they are my piece of him. My heart bleeds for you moms that have this taken away from you. I can't say they bring me comfort, he will still always be dead.
I was looking forward to my son having to clean the car after his kid got sick or get gum out of their hair, look for the other shoe and watch them sleep.
Sister moms, we feel this pain no matter what we do. We will never be the same and there is no one out there who knows, but us. We never "get over it" we just get use to it. When I hear the word closure I want to attack! There is no such thing.
My other son, Wes's little brother stuffs down his grief. I don't know how to comfort him, I've never lost a brother. We've had some exhaustive cries together lately and it hurts me so deep to not be able to kiss it better for him. My best advise was our love for him keeps his memory alive.
All I can do is all I can do.
The ramblings of a sister mom who has been reading the message board today. I'm not sure if I showed up today because I need you or you need me.
This is where I find comfort.
I know how your words feel and you understand me.
Karen Wes's mom
P.S. Beth, I have a T-shirt that says "Oh Crap, your not going to try and cheer me up are you".
Jim's mom Shirley I may just try throwing my shoes at someone and telling them to walk in them, I like that approach!

Karen
Everything you have posted here rings so true, my friends son was murdered about three years before My Jim all I kept thinking was how does she manage to go on. Well now I know, we just do, we are called the survivors but we are not surviving we are existing and sometimes I don't even want to do that. I also have a granddaughter she is the light of my life and the one who keeps me going (so much like her daddy).
I now hug her a little tighter and tell her I love her more often. I got the shoe thing from Laura if only we could hand our shoes to someone and let them feel just 5 minutes of what we feel but I am sure they wouldn't last even 5 minutes in our shoes.
Love & hugs
Jim's Mom
Shirley

Shirley,
Yes we're survivors and victims too. I started young learning about loss, my mom died when I was 19.
Before Wes was murdered I use to say I know a lot of dead people. I now see it as preparation for me and a gathering of loved ones for Wes to go to.
Two years ago after one of my sleep marathons I decided that I didn't want to wake up anymore and took a hand full of pills. I put my head back down on the pillow to drift off to death and my son Michael's face popped into my head, then my grandkids faces. I jumped up out of bed and drove myself to the hospital. I took enough to kill myself.
Two days after being released from the mental hospital my son Michael called to tell me I was going to be a grandma. I was so glad to be alive. A phone call changed my life.
Man what a ride.
Keep hugging your granddaughter and tell her how much she is like her daddy.
Karen Wes's mom

Karen, My daughter Keara was murdered 4 yrs. and 7 months ago. I feel all of the things that you described in your post. I keep hoping it will get better but I am still so devastated. I am sorry that you are also a mother of a murdered child. I am glad you got a grandchild. Keara was the mother of two children and I do get to see them.

Dear Karen
I can't believe that all of the words you have said have been locked up inside of me not knowing how to express it.Thank you for doing a beautiful job,I wish I could express to people more often about how I feel and have the words come out right.I too don't know how people around me can go on as though nothing has happened while the harsh realty is we sit and mourn daily for our loss.It's as though time has stopped and no one notices it.I remember reading about the pill incident when I first came on the board and I'm sure there is not a one of us who hasn't thought about it at one time or another.I thank God that your son and grandkids faces popped up and you got the help you needed,becuase you are needed still by so manyLove and God Bless

Karen...Thanks for sharing with us and how true your words ring to each and every one of us. It is good to hear from you and I remember when we first came here to moms reading your post and seeing first hand how much this takes from your life. But I also saw that you can make it and you are proof of that. No matter how much that Black Abyss (Shirley's) calls you there is always hope to get back out of it. We find strength in the moms that have been here and are survivors. It shows us that we can make it no matter how bad things can get that we need to hang in there and keep trying. Yes Shirley I tell them at work when they freakin' whine about me starting a half an hour early so I can make my counselor appointments: HERE YOU CAN START EARLY TOO IF YOU WANT BUT YOU MUST WEAR MY SHOES AS I WOULD GLADLY TRADE YOU ANYDAY OF THE WEEK!!!!Laura & AV

Hi Karen,
I also have not posted here in awhile. Your words are so true. I feel like a diffrent person.I too remember saying those exact words..."If anything happened to him I would not be able to go on." December the 9th was my son Eugene's birthday. He would have been 38yrs old. I took the day off from work and I just felt so sad and hurt the day before because my co-workers did not know why I was taking the day off. And I was thinking these people are so lucky that they don't have to take a day off from work to go take flowers, balloons, a cake to the cemetary and sit there all day crying and missing their child that was murdered. My son did not die...he was murdered!!!I remeber the first time I posted on here. I remember some of the moms back then...Terry, Yvonne, Beverly, Cindy, Darien, Bette, Shirley, Joann Michelle, Vickie. Laura and AV who make the most beautiful videos.I think about all of you and pray for all the parents who have lost a child. When I come here and see another new beveared parent's post my heart goes out to them.When I start feeling like I am all alone in this, I come here and read and cry and just having that connection with the moms here gives me the comfort that I need... and to know that I am not alone. I do understand Karen. Take care and I will be keeping you and all the moms here in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you my Sister Moms.
I can't find the words to describe how much we mean to each other. I can unload the wild thoughts that I have and the feelings connected to them and you ALL understand and know exactly what I'm trying to say.
When someone asks me how many kids I have I tell them 2 sons, Wesley would be 28 and Michael is 26. If they ask about Wes I tell them he was murdered, stabbed to death 6 years ago. I have never said I have lost a son, or that he has passed. I am the mother of a murdered son, it is a major part of who I am, and I don't mind shocking someone. Hopefully they will hug their kid a litter tighter and be glad that they are not me.
When someone asks how many grandchildren I have...(it took a while for me to get this one down right)... I say... My murdered son gave me 2 and their mom gave me another one, she remarried, her husbands 2 make it five and my other son has 1, 6 total.
It's complicated, sorry if you had to reread it. I just can't simply say 6 grandkids. I want them to know that two of them are a piece of my murdered son!
That is why I'm here!
We moved back here to be near the grandkids and they (and my son Michael) are the reason I'm not dead!
I want a tatoo. I've seen some that my other sister moms have and they are beautiful. For years I've been trying to figure out what exactly I want. A few months ago a gal I work with came in with two new tatoos on her wrists, one says fire the other water and you can read it upside down. That was it! I want Wes's name or initals. When I told Michael about it he said "what about me, mom"? I blurted out "but your still alive"! Probably not the right thing to say, he isn't "less" because he is still living! I resent people who don't know how lucky they are to not have a murdered child and then make my son feel like he is not tatoo worthy because he's living?! I told him I wanted it for his memory, because he's gone! It was awkward.
I'll get two tatoos.
Karen Wes's mom