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one year ago

I was in the Hawaii courtroom giving my impact statement. The year before was the week I spent with my son, the same calender weeks. How many out there keep finding these constant ironies in this nightmare.
And on Nov 3 makes 2 years since I was with him for the last time....wow.
The pain in my body has been incredible...I weighed myself 90 lbs...I caught what's left of me in the mirror now I'm trying to eat at least one good meal but I forget.
Today I called the prosecutor's office and given the same run around. Of course I lost it. I still can't find out what is going on or what will happen if it doesn't get done...he's nine months late with his "accurate account of Hans Christian Randrup's death" but that was the deal.The only reason I'm even doing this is maybe it will lengthen his time-out in the hospital ward.
It seems everything is extremely hard right now. As usual there seemed to be signs from Chris these past few days or so it seemed. I wish you all love

Re: one year ago

Dear Lois Good you called the prosecutors office,I say keep calling him for that accurate account of Chris's death.How dare they leave you in the dark on even the least little thing regarding Chris's death.If you don't get anywhere with him then ask to speak to his supervisor.
I am so sorry about the dates they are so painful.It just seems like no dates are good anymore.Every date has some kind of memory or meaning,it's just that some are worse than others.
I hope you get to eating soon, 90 lbs is very thin.I know I lost like 40 lbs when Nicky died but then I needed to lose 80 so when people said to me wow you look good you lost weight I said yeah the worst diet I was ever on.
Much love to you and I hope Chris continues to send you his little signs.Love and God Bless

Re: one year ago

Why is it that the court makes an order then doesn't make sure it is carried out??? I am glad you called keep pressuring them to make him get this done.
The weight thing I know about that one too I am at 110 have lost 15 lbs.
I am truly sorry for all of you that haven't gotten the justice you and your angels deserve.
Jim's Mom

Re: one year ago

Yes I would keep calling too. I know dates are always a thing with me too. With Halloween coming up I can feel the sadness creeping in, this is the start with the holidays and evertyhing Timmy loved, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday, and on top of all that I have a trial to face. I lost lots of weight too, was 136 now 108 maybe less who knows!

I force myself to eat to, my stomach always feels sick, and I don't sleep good ever.

It's not right that we have to keep fighting all the time to get what we should get to begin with. To always live in a nightmare.

Re: one year ago

Thank you Ladies, I'm feeling a bit better, I'm off the next 2 days.
If people would ever really look at us they would see what the loss of our children has done to us. I didn't need to lose ANY weight...one of the last things Chris told me is if I was offered food, just say yes, no one asks. Chris, he knew. I ate small and needed reminders.
I have my own studio apt in my father's house downstairs...when I caught my weight I thought didn.t any one notice, of course they have. How many times have I been asked for dinner. A couple.
My sister is now here in all her self-absorbed glory. You'd have to know her.
Another thing my son told me after that horrible stay with her when I saw my boy after being apart 2 yrs. She was horrible.....as I went home
chris told me "Mama we got to love her from a distance, okay?
Amazing she would end up here that same as she was there.
I finally had to say no more...She just is so mean and negative...has not one oz of compassion or empathy for what I live with now...it's always going to be about her...
She definitely doesn't help the situation.

Re: one year ago

Lois, I know it is so hard when even family members show no empathy for what we are living with. I thought my family would be my main support system but they were'nt. It is so hurtful.I got more support from people who were almost strangers. My family just wants me to be ok and I understand that but I don't think I will ever be ok again. Just know that you have us. Love ya. Darien

Re: one year ago

Hi Darien, it helps to know you understand but I wish you didn't. As if life's not hard enough the family dysfuntion roars,great huh
I came on here just after my unconscious father left.
I had explained earlier to him how I had to put some distance between my sister and me. All he really heard was that I had noticed my weight and NOW he's worried. Asked me if I talked about it with my shrink.
Then started telling me how I'm lucky to have Ezra, never mentioned my daughter Aly and how Ez would miss me if I "weren't here"
I started naming the people in my life around me that I'm blessed to have and I said to him AGAIN but that does not make-up for who is not here, Chris and that will never change or feel 'better' or the same again.

My therapist says that We have been forced to recreate our lives with out our children and most don't ever catch that we are changed forever. She says that is just how my sister and my dad are. They don't feel it so they can't as usual...go there and won't.
This acceptance thing sucks alot.
And I don't mean I accept what happened to my beloved Chris...I'm trying to accept that this is my life right now in this moment and every moment until I am with Chris and that my son's murder will always be part of it. I don't know if I'll ever accept what happened to my Chris at the hands of his father
I'm so sorry that any of us have been forced to accept the murders of our angels because of the evil hearts that put us all here with such sad and painful losses

Re: one year ago

keep pushing and call until thay get it about the weight i lost but now all i do is eat eat eat and on top of that i can't fall asleep i keep taking sleeping pills each nite i just toss and turn next week is hubert b day and here comes the holidays what r we going to do........love u all joann hubert mom