Here is the dream I have had two nights in a row,
I dreamt I was standing looking down into Jim's casket but he wasn't a 32 year old man he was about 9 maybe 10 but he is in an adult sized casket laying on his side covered up with a blanket, he turns over opens his eyes looks at me then closes his eyes and turns back onto his side like he is just sleeping. I have been told our dreams have some kind of meaning so what the heck does this crazy dream mean????????
I bought a wooden chest it is at the foot of my bed I have been putting things in it for Sandra when she is older things like Jim's report cards, things he made for me when he was a kid, pictures, all the stuff from his funeral just everything that I think she might be interested in when she is older. I have his motorcycle jacket resting on top of the chest I dusted the jacket and the chest the other day so I am thinking maybe that is what triggered this dream. IDK
Then last night at work a well meaning lady who lost her sister a few weeks ago, told me that Jim would want me to go on and enjoy the holidays and the rest of my life. That he is not suffering anymore, he doesn't have to deal with all life's stress anymore. On the Virge of tears I told her, I can't help the way I feel and I would rather have Jimmy here dealing with all of this than to have him dead that ended the conversation. Was I wrong?? Should I have just smiled and said I know??? Guess I am just having a hard time with Jim's angel day coming up wish December was over with already.
Love you all
Big Jim's Mom
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad...me too
I was talking to my therapist today about this.
At my work there is one regular customer. He knows what happened but everytime without fail he starts going on about how great life is, how it couldn't be any better... to me. So today was one of those times I didn't want to let it go...so I said I just hope it doesn't get any worse. What do I hear next...OH COME ON... to me knowing.
Debbie said they don't have the capacity to ever know what has happened to us. They don't even go there.
We are mothers who have had our children ripped from our lives. They cannot put themselves where we are every second of our lives from now on...lucky them I still think they need alot more empathy so maybe they wouldn'y say the things we hear.
We all know our children would want us happy but we also know how we have to fight to not just scream out loud how hard life can be, now we know this pain... so we can never be wrong when we speak the truth of this horror...
So Shirley don't feel bad about that moment of truth, we do pretty good most of the time don't you think?
Love to you
Thank you Lois
People can't even begin to imagine what it is like to have your child murdered and I don't have the energy to try to explain, there are no words to say that would make them understand anyway. True I think we all do pretty good most of the time but I guess every now and then we gotta let it out.
Hugs Jim's Mom
Hey there. I am sorry there are ignorant people, not stupid they just dont know no better. I have snapped a couple times on people after hearing over and over how Laycee is in a better place. Thats something you say about someone who was sick and struggling in life not a perfectly healthy innocent child whose life was taken by some monster. There is no better place for Laycee than here with me. I am sure we all probably feel the same about that. I dont think you were wrong for letting her know how you feel. xoxo April
I too came across a woman from the neighborhood on Sat who was at a flea market selling some stuff and when she saw me,(I rarely go anywhere but work) she said oh how are things and I said hard, I take one day at a time, and she said I know there isn't one day that I don't cry for my mother.And then she went on and on about her mother.Now I'm not dismissing the fact that her mothers death was very painful for her but the truth of the matter is I wanted to say to her I see your daughter standing next to you,when you have lost her come talk to me.Have I lost all empathy for those who lost someone who wasn't their child? I was ashamed of how I felt.I guess I feel like you April,our children were young and healthy and not on their death bed where it would almost be a comfort not to see them sick and suffering anymore.
As for your dream Shirley,I'm sure it was connected in some way with the trunk.The day after Nicky died everyone was trying to push tranquilizers in me.I finally said alright.That night I had a dream about Nicky.I got a call that he was climbing a tree at school and fell.I rushed to the er thinking he broke a bone only to pull back the curtain and see him like 7 yrs old with a smashed in pancake face and moving lumps running inside his body up and down like some kind of alien invasion.I'm sure this had something to do with the fact that I got a call the night he was shot telling me that he was alright and talking and then when I got to the er it was so much worse.I woke up from this nightmare to face the real nightmare,he is dead.I think it is a great idea about the trunk,I'm sure Sandra will be in and out of that trunk in the years to come many times.Hope you're feeling a little better today
Lois Your customer sounds like a piece of work.How horrible it must be to have him come in frequently and be all" oh isn't life great"? And he knows your loss, that's the real shame of it.The only decent days are the days when someone speaks of my son or something happens that reminds me of him.Not my family but others who knew him.I still cry but it makes me feel better knowing he isn't just forgotten by those who loved him so much.The memory of our children is always front runner in our brains,it's others who remember and think of him and let me know how they are doing that touches me.I can't explain it but it comforts me to know they miss him too.It's confirmation that he mattered to more than just me and my family.
I guess we're all having some bad days,but thank God I can share how I feel with all my MOMS,who truly know.Love and God Bless.
I don't know which is worse the people who make the kind of comments knowing what we've suffered or they know what happened and just act like it didn't. My family who never talks about Chris. My family, my self-absorbed father who Chris didn't speak to for the last 10 years of his life, because of his treatment of me...it's always been like every one else had such good kids but him...he still does it. Raves about others peoples children like they are so special. I guess they were, their parents put their children first not the bars and the one night stands.
Their kids didn't have to live with the fact that their mother walked away when they were 3. I hate to whine but sometimes I cannot believe my life. What if I had been loved from birth as my son loved me for those treasured 27 yrs of my life...the 27 yrs of unconditional LOVE even when I let life slip he was there. "You don't want me to have to love you from a distance Mom"
Sorry I don't know where that came from I guess from my heart.I always said my past brought me to my children so how would I want to change anything...life brought me my greatest gifts...what do I think now, I guess that death isn't so scary it's a gift to come because I'll see Chris with God and his son Jesus. So I know Chris is waiting too because he knows my suffering and I have never not felt his love with me.
Shirley, your dream...maybe it was Jimmie checking in with his mom...letting you know that he's okay and that he appreciates the Chest of Love you are gathering together for his daughter which could explain why he came in his early years.
I've had only one dream about Chris and that is the only dream I've remembered at all, in all this time but he was there. And that was my dream, Chris was there and we were so happy, estatic...and that's what I kept saying in my joyous laughter... you're here, you're here...I could feel his body I kept pushing on him laughing...I haven't heard myself laugh like that since.
thanks again for being here
So very true our children were not sick and suffering that is something else she said to me "Jimmy is not suffering anymore". Jimmy wasn't suffering he loved life every minute of it.
Barb I am glad to see you getting out of the house for more than work. Like I said sometimes we just gotta let it out, my dad passed away almost 5 years ago and it was a very sad he was only 76 but dad was very sick and it was a blessing because he truly isn't suffering anymore. I think back to when my friends son was murdered all I kept saying I can't even begin to imagine how she must feel, how does a mom go on after having her child murdered. Well now I know some how we just do go on we don't move on though. I thought the trunk would be a good thing for Miss Sandra since she was only 6 when Jim was murdered and they had really only been back together for about two years Due to her mother being such a nut case. I write things down about Jim things he did and things he did with her so she will have lots of little notes in there to read too.
Lois sounds like you have had it pretty rough I can't even imagine not having my parents always there for me. Mom was a stay at home mom always there dad was a logger he did his share of drinking after work but was always there for us. As for your Chris he loved you unconditionally through thick and thin that is something no one can take away from you Chris's Love.