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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)

 

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H.E.L.L.

I havent posted in here in a longgggggggggg time. At least a year. I have moved forward some..so that is the good news. The "normal" news is, today has been HELL. I am almost five years into this, and the world fell out from under my feet today. SO SO SO much trauma is involved with a homicide....I think I am forever crazy.
It is one step forward, five steps back.
I came here six weeks after my son was shot to death. I posted through hearings, the trial, and some aftermath.
I thought I had moved further forward than this. October rolls around, and here I am again..with NOVEMBER looming over me. I want to cry and scream ..and beg someone to help me. I am nearly five years out, and am on my knees again. How can you tell anyone that? Who is going to give you an ear...? I am supposed to be over it, right. We all know that isnt going to happen, although we can do better resuming "normal" activities. I had to come here and scream ,, cry,, and peel off some layers. Thank you MOMS.
Yvonne
Joshua Underwood's mom
forever and a day.

Re: H.E.L.L.

Hi Yvonne...I hear you, I'm just coming up on 2 years without my Chris...hearing you scares me because I know I will only miss my beautiful son more and more as time goes on.
The strength we all have found to continue really should be acknowleged...just be able to say we have moved on some is monumental. We know that part of life stopped when we learned someone had taken our child's life and we are left to somehow go on... pretty messed up.
It's still so hard to believe it's the life we know.
We really do know the true meaning of suffering..

Love to you

Re: H.E.L.L.

Dear Yvonne
I have grown accustomed to the fact that this pain will never end.It's scary to not know when and how these days will smother us with despair.You're right it's 1 step forward and 5 backward.Just as I am finding some kind of peace wham it's like day one all over again.I feel like I'm in the groundhog movie where he wakes up and he's reliving the previous day over and over and he never can get to the next day the difference is that it's not funny.I still feel like screaming at people who ask how I'm doing with a smile on their face " my son is dead did you forget"? There is no moving on,just existing.I know they mean well but it is the greetings where only a hug is provided and the look in their eyes let's me know THEY remember and know that I'll never be okay.
You are right in coming here to let us know how you are doing since we all know.I'm sorry that we all have to be here whether daily ,weekly,monthly or yearly,but I thank God for the MOMS on here who have truly helped me in this journey.Love and God Bless

Re: H.E.L.L.

Thank you for reading, listening, replying. I should have been here more supporting the newer moms, but I think I am hiding as much as I can from the pain. We have to cope with what we can, when we can. Barb, that is pretty much where I am "Just as I am finding some kind of peace wham it's like day one all over again ".
How long has it been for you?
We are finally past the last appeal. The Tn State Supreme Court refused to give them a hearing in June. So, his appeals are over. I hope. It is like we as MOMS catch our breath and something comes along and knocks it RIGHT back out of us.
And I agree, moving on ANY is monumental. I have found laughter again, and some muted happiness. There is a bit of comfort for all the newer "Moms", as you too will find some sense of peace and happiness as you heal just a bit.
Love to all,
Yvonne
Josh's mom

Re: H.E.L.L.

Lois,
"We really do know the true meaning of suffering.."
Yes we do. It really is hell on earth. I have to make sure that you know that "some" peace does come with time. I am so sorry that someone forced you to be here.
No one had the right to take your Chris from you and make you walk this path. It is the ultimate robbery.
Love to you,
Yvonne
Joshua's Mom

Re: H.E.L.L.

Yvonne,
Thank you for your kind words and Thank God for the days we can focus on what's good in our lives still. I have alot of good around me and the good keeps coming along with the days I can hardly move as the pain really sets in as my whole being feels it's depth. Pretty Insane this life.
Today is a #7 on a 1-10 scale or 1-9 because there will never really be a 1-10 for us.......xoxoxoxo
To you
Lois
Chris's Mom

Re: H.E.L.L.

Dear Yvonne My son Nicky died March 31st 2008 .We have yet to go to trial,they caught and locked up his killers Aril 4th 2008.Now the new date is June 13th 2011.So many postponements.Yesterday me and Bette,Timmy's MOM went to both of their graves and decorated and had hoagies and just talked it was a beautiful day of visiting.We of course were saddened that we weren't going to their houses to hang out but we figured at least they are together and probably looking down on us with a smile.We made it through.It somehow lessened the pain if that makes any sense.My hope for all of us is that we start having some good days and only concentrate on the beauty our children filled our lives with.Love and God Bless.
You are right Lois there never will be a 10 in any of our lives again but I'll settle for a 9 every now and then.Love to all

Re: H.E.L.L.

Hi Yvonne, It has been four and a half years since Keara was killed and I am not OK. I have days that are better than others but the pain and the horror doesn't go away. I personally don't think it ever will. I would like to be more optimistic than that but it's hard when these feelings just well up in me. A lot of the time they come unbidden, out of nowhere. Even Halloween coming up is making me sad cause Keara loved it so much. I am glad that you were able to come here an talk to us. You know that even when other people don't we do understand. Love ya. Darien

Re: H.E.L.L.

Darien,
I remember talking to you here. And you are right , the pain never goes away. Ever. And with homicide, there is so much trauma that the real grieving process (whatever that is) is delayed for many years. It is hard to let go, and start "grieving" , or "healing" when you can't grasp what has happened because of the fog of trauma. And we are retraumatized over and over again with hearing after hearing, the the trial, which is the second hardest thing I ever had to face. Then comes appeals. And that is if you are "lucky" enough to have had the murderers caught and arrested.
When is Keara's angelversary? Joshua's is November 26. He was murdered the night after Thanksgiving in front of my middle son Jeremy.
Love and Peace to you,
Yvonne
Joshua's mom
Forever and a day.

Re: H.E.L.L.

Yvonne, Keara's angelversary is April 5. Those dates are so hard and for you there is both the Holiday and his angel day. How is your son Jeremy doing? How old is he? I am glad that you knew where you could come to vent. We are always here. Love ya. Darien

Re: H.E.L.L.

Hello. Sorry your going though all this. I can relate to what you are saying. My daughter was beat to death at 12 and a half months old. I too feel I am crazy and will always be. Laycee has been gone for almost two and a half years and inside I am just as broken as the day she was taken from me. I will never understand why this happened. And when people make you feel like they think you should be moving on, its that they dont understand there is no real moving on from this. I have lost friends because they feel I should get over this. I had a once very close friend tell me to pull my head out of my ass. I dont talk to her any more. No one knows the pain involved in losing a child to someone elses hands unless it happened to them. I hope things get easier for you. Your in my thoughts and prayers, April McCoy