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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)

 

Debbie Wiley – MOMS Founder 

 

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support for a dear friend

Dear MOMS:
My dear friends' daughter was murdered in December. The trials' closing arguments will take place on Monday 10/4. I am at such a loss as to how I can be of help to her in these next weeks. If any of you could offer advice, it would be much appreciated.

Re: support for a dear friend

Kim
Just be there for her, don't be afraid to talk about her daughter even if she cries she wants to talk about her. Know that this pain she is feeling will never go away it may lessen somewhat but it will never go away. It has been almost three years for me (My Jim was murdered in December also) I still cry every day some days are going to be better for your friend but her life will never be the same and she will never be the same person she once was.
Sending Hugs to you and your friend
U R a great friend
Jim's Mom

Re: support for a dear friend

hi kim,
like shirley said you are a very good friend. I'd just like to add a few. Hold her when she cries, give her lots of hugs she's missing her. Let her talk about her, she needs to. I would love to talk about my Chris it makes me feel bad no one does. He was killed in dec also 2008 by his father as he slept.
Oct 2009 brought the trial to an end. I hope your friend sees more justice than we did. A plea deal and he will be out in 4 freaking months Feb 2011. Two weeks before Chris's birthdate...he'd be 30 a year he thought he might not make it to he used to say at times. I miss him alot and cry everyday...I don't think I'll ever run out of tears for Chris.
I send LOVE to you and your friend.
You're what she needs

Re: support for a dear friend

Hi Kim,
My name is Darien and my daughter Keara was murdered four and a half years ago. I would like to say that first you are a great friend to ask for advice and I think you came to the right place. I agree with everyone's advice so far and want you to know that this is a time that your friend will need you more than ever. At first we are in so much shock that we can barely function. It doesn't seem real. And then there is the trial and no matter what the sentence is it cannot ever be enough because our children are dead. At first we have a lot of people around us and then they srart to drift away and we are left alone with our terrible grief. A lot of times people think we should move on but we can't because our hearts are broken in a million pieces. So just be there for your friend and let her lead the way. She will let you know what she needs. Does she know about MOMS? If not please tell her about us. We all understand what she is going through.

Re: support for a dear friend

Dear Darien, Shirley and Lois:

Thank you so much for your kind and heart felt replies. I physically ache when I read them. Yesterday her killer (boyfriend!) was convicted but it did nothing to numb the pain. It was almost as if I expected her to walk out from the front of the court room and say "Ah, glad that's over." but of course, she cannot. I cooked dinner for my friend at her house last night and she did talk about Megan. I will stay in touch with her as you all suggest and want her to be able to talk about Megan. Thank you, thank you. My thoughts are with you all. Love, Kim

Re: support for a dear friend

Dear Kim
I am sorry I was late with this reply but I wasn't on MOMS for a couple of days. The ladies have given you good advice.I know I wasn't very friendly towards my friends during the first year.I wanted them near me,yet I needed distance too,to figure things out.I had a feeling that the trial wouldn't really help her much as those mothers who have been through trial have said that your child is still dead no matter what.I haven't gone to trial and my son Nicky died March 31 2008.His trial is set for June 13th 2011.It is all just a waitng game to see if there will be some closure at that time.The best advice I can give you like the others is to just talk about her to her and in the present tense like how about when Megan did this or that.It makes it seem like they are still thought of in the here and now.I don't know if that makes any sense.You may call her and she doesn't answer for a while don't give up,keep calling her,she will feel like being alone in her grief at times,she is a different friend than you are used to.She needs to figure out her new role.Let her.You do sound like a wonderful friend and I'm glad you found us I do hope that you will send her our way,she may find it a little healing.I hope Megan's boyfriend got a huge sentence,it is never enough but hoping it was huge anyway.Love and God Bless

Re: support for a dear friend

Thank you, Barb. You are so right. There are times when I can't reach my friend for weeks and I want to give up or feel that I am "bugging" her. I appreciate the "giving her space and then trying again" approach.
I am so sorry your trial is so far off. Not that it makes things better but it is one more step. Megan's killer will be sentanced in November...
With love and gratitude,
Kim