I walked to Rite Aid today I expected Halloween stuff but Christmas???? Had to hold my breath for a bit and get it together hit me hard My Jim has been gone for almost 3 years. It seems the only thing that has changed for me is the initial shock of Jim's murder, this heartache never ends. I wonder how we live like this I don't even feel like I am living just existing. I thought life was hard before, it was a walk in the park compared to this. What I would give for those days struggling to make ends meet raising my boys. Now I get up every morning do what I have to do, go to work, come home, go to bed, then start all over again the next morning. I am having a very hard time putting on my happy face I don't even care what people think anymore. If they think I am crazy or feeling sorry for myself well so be it I don't care!
I do love you all don't know what I would do without you.
Love and many, many Hugs
Big Jim's Mom
Oh you hit the hammer on the nail.Everything in life seems so mundane now doesn't it? No color in the world.Oh we have our moments when our children or grandchildren will make us smile for a while but so short lived.It continues to be an effort to just get through till the next day.It is funny that when my children were little that I thought raising the 5 of them was so hard at times,I def wish I was back to those days,I didn't know what hard was.The holidays are so dreaded anymore.The emptiness can be consuming and I just love the fact that advertising it early just prolongs the pain.Love ya girl
OMG I can't event think of the holidays and to see it, wow my heart drops each time. Timmy loved the holidays, this was his favorite time of year, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas then his birthday on New years Eve. Now I have all this and a trial to deal with!!! All in December, I don't know how I'm even go to make it thru this, just thinking of it now 2 months away makes me ill. I wish I could sleep right thru the whole month and wake up it will all be over. I lost so much weight and can't sleep can't eat, etc. and to think I have this for 2 1/2 more months to contend with! I tear up every time I walk in the store and see pumpkins and scary monsters and know my son will never trick or treat again, never open another Christmas present or blow out candles on his birthday and celebrate a new year coming. No we will be celebrating all this with a trial looming over our heads, so how in the world am I going to make it thru any of these things??? It just makes me so sick to my stomach to even think of it, and cry so much when I see all those things in the stores. This even happened to me when I saw all the school supplies out, he loved shopping for new clothes and new school stuff even though he hated school LOL, he still liked to shop and get new things and new school bag and stuff. I'd go in the store and see all this and all my friends who have kids in school talking about it, well I'd just go off in the corner and cry my eyes out, it just never ends this pain we have, the masks we have to wear, does it??
Keara loved Halloween so much even when she was an adult. She dressed in a costume and went trick or treating with her kids. Now she is gone and once she was gone the kids stopped trick or treating at my house. And so begins the wave of Holidays that are so difficult to get through. Last year I didn't even get together with my family on Thanksgiving. I was sick and just didn't feel like it anyway. I try to feel thankful for who and what I still have in my life but if the truth be told I don't feel very thankful. I am so tired of grieving and I just want my Keara back and I can't have that. We are approaching a hard time of year for all of us and I am very thankful to have you ladies in my life. Love yas.
Christmas was my favorite I just loved seeing my boys faces light up when they opened their presents, I always tried to get at least one thing they really, really wanted. Now I don't even bother with a tree unless Miss Sandra is here. I think this year I will put lights in the crape myrtle in Jimmy's garden. Boy who would have ever thought that is what I would be giving My Jim for Christmas. I too am so grateful I have all of you.
Love and Hugs
Big Jim's Mom
I too see Christmas stuff in the stores already. I remember Mark opening his gifts, wish I could go back to those days. Mark's birthday is 4 days after, he'll be turning 26 in heaven.
My grandson asked me the other day if we stay our same ages when we become an Angel or do we get older. Do you MOMS know?
My thought is that My Jim will forever be 32, my granddaughter Jimmy's little girl told me when we go to heaven we all become little kids again so when she goes to heaven she will be able to play with her daddy.
Hugs Jim's Mom
Aww Shirley that's just so heartbreaking to hear, sweet little thing. My son forever 15!! loved halloween, he dressed up too LOL, the last one we went to my friend's party I have it on my facebook with him and his friend, he was dressed up in of all things, a prisoner!!! The orange jump suit and a pretend beard I drew on his face. My last halloween with him, I'm so glad to have the picture but I think of all that I've missed, so many, too many....
Thanks Shirley. I hope you MOMS have a wonderful day. Wish our children were with us now. They are loved and missed so much.
Yes the dreaded holidays ladies....but Lisa must be working overtime leaving me a penny then AV another one today...both 1989....and even a 1969 the year the sick ******* was born but later that day I realized why she left that one for me....Because our civil attorney has his medical records!!! Anyway I firmly believe she pushed this thought in my head today as I was thinking about gathering up our Halloween stuff to see what we won't use and take over to sell at the Kove...then it dawned on me to decorate the store in style and stay open late and pass out candy. Now I am really into it and thinking our we can really "do it up" Hallowheezie Style!!Lisa loved Halloween and scary movies however I don't think she ever dreamed she would be murdered much like the likes of some of the movies they watched. But I do know she loved little kids and they loved her and she would want us to do this (even though I hate when others say what Lisa would want...lol). So I will definitely take lots of pictures and perhaps we will even have a few extra "visitors" if they are not too camera shy!!!Luv ya Ladies.....Laura & AV
I can't do it, I can't do Halloween anymore, I hate Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's Eve, (Timmy's birthday) I try so hard to make it all special, but one of the ones I can't do is Halloween. He loved it, always decorated the house in and, he'd get that spidar stuff you know the web stuff and string it all over the yard and then do up a fake monster/guy and have him sittin in the chair. He'd love to get dressed up! he loved scary movies! I just can't anymore, it hurts too much.