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back here after many long months

hi my name is cheryl i have been gone from this site so long and this is a place i can vent and other mom's will understand ernest will be gone 4yrs on oct,2 and yet it still feels like yesterday to me it is not a day that goes by that i dont miss my child but i have no one to talk about him too. i cry when i am alone and i really dont want anyone to see me crying because they wont understand that hurt never goes away also the anger i feel about the way he was murdered will never go away even though his killers are sitting behind bars i feel like there is still something i need to do i dont know what it is but i feel like that i sometimes feel like people want to forget about him and want me too also i cant even say which people but that's just how i feel am i being paranoid or is that how some of you other mom's feel? i have 6 other kids one with autism and they with the exception of one son dont ever speak about ernest my one son will when i bring him up but i feel like he has been forgotten and put away in the past it hurt's but what can i do about it to me he is allways present in the here and now for me and i dont ever want to forget him as a 18yr old handsome young man who i raised to be a kind and caring young man who was so full of life and i miss that so much things are still upside down in my life because i have not set any goals for myself i am just in the here and now,i wonder do any mom's feel the same way i do i just spend my days being a mom and caring for my 87yr old mom and thats my life for right now until i figure out what else i can do. thanks for letting me vent and i would love to hear your thoughts on this it's helpful from other mom's who are in my shoes.

Re: back here after many long months

Cheryl
I understand how you feel, to me my Jim is right here with me everyday still 32 years old. People around me moving on with their lives but I am not I can't move on I am stuck in December of 07 and it hasn't changed one bit for me. I think we heal to a certain point and that is it. Like a wound with a scab that doesn't take much to open it right back up again. I hate this life I am now living I don't like the new me I am not fun anymore.
Hugs
Jimmy's Mom

Re: back here after many long months

Wow. I swear I know just how you feel. My ex boyfriend killed my one year old daughter two years ago and NOBODY except maybe 2 people will even say her name. I feel like everyone else is over it and they think I should be better now. Honestly I am never going to be better, not really.It hurts so bad everyday to have to go on living and acting like everything is fine, I too cry a lot when Im alone. I am so sorrry for what happened to your son.

Re: back here after many long months

Cheryl, I too understand completely how you feel. Keara was killed April 5, 2006 and I too in so many ways that it feels like yesterday but in other ways it feels like yesterday. She is in my thoughts day and night. I live alone with my three dogs and a bird. My family hardly ever mentions Keara either and neither do most of my friends. Sometimes I feel lie I am the only one that remembers she existed except for her kids and mine. I agree with Shirley in that the pain seems endless. I think MOMs is a great support network and I have also gone to the parents of murdered children conferences for the last two years and am going this year too. It really helps to be able to be around and communicate with others who understand. I am so sorry to know that your son was murdered. It's so unfair.

Re: back here after many long months

april i am sooo sorry for the loss of your precious little girl wow tears in my eyes reading what you wrote how in gods name do any parent survive any of this awful pain sometimes i feel like i am going insane from the pain i feel i wanna just scream out why and i want to ask those two cowards why my boy and i want to know what's in someones mind to make you take a precious life but those answers i guess will come to me in another form i know not a soul who i have in my circle family are friends that can be so cruel thank you for your kind words to know that i am not alone in my thoughts and feelings is good for the soul i hope we all here can try and survive daily with this pain as it wont go away but maybe lessen the hurt and not be so heavy, when you are all by yourself with no one around who knows the pain that you are going through you have a tendancy to think you are really losing it big time because there is no one to relate too. Big Hugs to every mother here who walks this same journey down this dark scary road God Bless, Cheryl.

Re: back here after many long months

i do know just how you feel my husband just don't want to talk about hubert"s death but it is killing me inside it's like hubert was never here! and that **** me off to the max,i need to talk about him he was my son whom i gave life to,and it's hurt it's been three years.so vent and tell us just how you feel we know your pain i love and praying for you all joann hubert mom.

Re: back here after many long months

The pain never goes away. I think it gets worse as time goes by.

Re: back here after many long months

Dear Cheryl Glad to see you back.We missed you.In answer to your question.Everyone grieves differently.In my case if I bring up Nicky's name my children will talk about him,but they hardly ever start the conversation.I think that's because it makes them too sad and they don't know if it will make me sad and they are younger than me and haven't seen alot of sadness other than Nicky's death and they feel helpless because it was thrown on them in one big heap without any mechanisms to be able to try to deal with it,so they shut down.Look at all of us,we're a mess.Know one thing they haven't forgotten your son,they just don't know how to grieve it.He will always be in their thoughts and heart.Love and God Bless

Re: back here after many long months

hello Ernest's mom/ cheryl i undestand what you are saying I lost my baby boy who had just turned 16 in apil on Sept 25th it will be a year in 3 weeks that some evil person decided to take the life of my son and my nephew. they had went to the corner store and never made it back They were shot in thier backs. I think about that night often and they way that everything went down. The one thing I am proud of is that he knew that I LOVE Him=) even that evening that he walked out the door i tought my boys to kiss me and ,with a hug and a I Love You we would depart wether it was dropping them off at school, or going to a friends house down the street. good thoughts keep lil robert alive and yes i agee with Barb/Nick's MOM we all grieve different and people think that it might not be the right time to bring up your baby's name i have let every know that i still think of him by haveing a celebration cake and ice cream on his birthday, i invite his friends over for dinner, we talk dont hesitate to speak of him, all my memories are surrounded of him and my oldest son they were 3 years apart and it was me a my boys so when i speak of the past i have to include him right now. what does hurt is when i have new memories and his name not a part, new memories and they are not here to share in them. thats what makes me sad i have to work on myself to find joy evey day it is tough and things do change and its hard but i'm glad to see that there is a place were you can go and find other's that have the some thoughts that you or i have and might be able to say something that either makes sence or feels good because its how they have felt before and your not alone I was glad to find this site. keep blogging its a release Lil' Robert's Momma/ ursula

Re: back here after many long months

URSULA, you could'nt have put it a better way how cruel people can be when they do such terrible things i regret not screaming that i luv you ernest while the paramedics were loading him into that ambulance my son who is 2yrs older was hollering to ernest and i pray he heard his voice they were so close it really hurt to see the brother's go thru not having ernest my son later told me how really broke up he was about losing ernest i guess his wife seen much more than i did and their relationship suffered as a result of this hell i want so bad to go back in time and say alot of things to ernest but the one thing that i did get to say allways was i luv you so that is a word that is used in my house alot forever and ever it is so painful i can not describe it but you other mom's on here no what it feels like no need to even say this is a good site to come to and let it out only if we could all meet in person it would be so comforting i know how coming to 1yr in this position feels like it is so new it will be 4yrs in oct that my handsome ernest will be gone i want to break up so bad but when the tears come i try and hold them in so none of the other kids see me especially my 7yr old he knows why but i just dont want him to feel sad and i thought that ernest's death would not affect him long term well i was informed by the counselor at school that my baby told her about E and how he misses him so bad and wow it threw me for a loop so when he wants to talk about his boppie's what ernest called him i let him spill it all out as i dont want him scared of this world and i am also honest with him i dont sugar coat anything if i do he won't be aware of the sickness people perpetrate on other people i say i wont be able to protect him forever so why shield him from this ugly stuff i want him to be safe this is so hard to deal with like one mom said it gets worser mom you were so freakin right it does get worser i deal with the anger after i deal with why my baby is no longer here and the hands of some very awful guys who set out to commit this act where we live ernest just happen to come into their site by waving hi at some other young men who would of been in ernest's place had they walked from upstairs from a building they were standing at these animals were lying in wait and my child was their victim had it not been for a citizen who could not believe his eyes and felt sickened by these a****** he got on his cell ph and called 911 and after high speed chase and lockdown of an area canine dogs etc. they were held to answer and are doing 75 to life it is really not closure to me but i have to except what they gave them i just hope they have the worse exp in prison you can imagine and think about what they did to my child everyday but i have since learned alot about them this is what they do and it's the norm they just happened to get caught this time i am so sick of these guys making our kids walk in fear everyday i want to be armed when i leave home i have a 19yr old son and he knows how crazy it is so when he goes out we have a system not for me to keep up with him but to make him safe so i can breath easier and not be scared to death when he is out. i refuse to deal with anymore heartache because my heart wont take anymore i will go over the edge for a fact so grateful to all the responses i got on my post thanks so much and i would love to just talk to any mom on here that wears these same shoes you can relate it helps god how it helps, hugs to all moms who need it and wants it. cheryl mom to "E"

Re: back here after many long months

I too often feel a fear that Laycee will be forgotten. Its been two years since she was murdered by my boyfriend. she was only 1 year old. nobody talks bout her but my mom. everyone else has moved on.. and i cant seem to. i dont know if i want to. i love and miss her so much. Im sure i know how you feel, I only cry when im alone. i hide all my pain and hurt and try to act the way i think im supposed to. I am glad you came back to a place where you can vent and we do understand your pain.