Hi. Today is my grandson Ezra's 2nd birthday...but even this blessed day has meaning it shouldn't. Chris had his stomach illness already and things had been not good between Chris and his soon to be killer. The bacon...after Chris became ill many foods were off his diet as they would make the pain my baby woke up to every morning his last year with us... it was a lifechanging illness...The bacon was a #1 on the list of food to avoid...RKR started to all of a sudden making bacon every day...Chris would get so bumbed smelling it, he loved bacon but we never ate it regularly but he started to and would always offer some to his son knowing he couldn't have it.
Back to my Ez's birth...the hospital was right in town. I went on my break to check on Aly's progress and called Chris to let him know his sis was in labor.
We were so excited...it was a great call...we were happy.
Ezra was born @ 9:30 that night and as he let out his 1st cry I held the phone to the door so Randy could here his 1st grandchild...Chris wasn't there.
I later found out they had argued and Chris was still upset about it when he got to his friends.
Chris said it was "like God reached down and stuck that fern in his eye"...that was @ 6:30 Hawaii time, The same time his nephew was born Chris was blinded and another life-changing event was put upon him...
Five months later this became Ezra's legacy and my beautiful boy was taken from us so coldly by that bitter hateful monster.
So today is a very hard day and the hardest part will be acting like it's not...but Ez helps us alot that way...I often think if it weren't for Ez...and I thank God for his love.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2nd EZRA NAKOA MCLEAN
I KNOW YOUR UNCLE CHRIS HAS HIS ANGEL WINGS AROUND YOU AT ALL TIMES...HE SENDS HIS LOVE...
I'm glad this website helps you ladies but none of the MOMS should ever have a "zero" by their name when they are reaching out to others who say a bond is shared...it's happened here before to me and it never feels nice...so I say this for the next Mom who feels even more alone after coming here just about losing it...maybe next time they won't have to have their feelings hurt...by ones that should know...and when they reach out they will ALWAYS see at least 1 time...sorry you are having a bad time.
I see life in such a different way now and see people alot "less rosey". The way others have handled my son's murder continues to remind me every day how not present most are and how nice it is to be around people that are...but those people seem rare
I told my son shortly before he took those 8 bullets from his father as he lay sleeping...
we never know what the person standing next to us in line is going through so be nice...say the old lady looks nice in that color...you might be the only person who says something nice at all or your timing is perfect...
so here at the front of the line with so many others that have some idea what another mother would feel like when no one cares ...or understands let's not see anymore "0"s by anyone's post...4 words...
I'm sorry you're hurting...we're here with you...
love sent to you...
I guess today isn't so good either but what else is new...Chris is still gone and I'm not. Obviously a "0" would be great and I'm sure there will be plenty of "that's not how it is...that's not how we are...so this is how it feels when it's so not like that...again thanks for being here...amazingly I feel alot better...not.
I can't speak for all the moms but I can speak from experience and frustration. You see my advocate/counselor is a MOMS...Her daughter was murdered 30 + years ago (I actually went to high school with her when she was murdered and didn't realize my counselor was her mother) and she has become an advocate for our local crime center. She often tells me to be patient and says this is "the worst" group in world when it comes to support. I would argue with her but I am slowly realizing what she is saying. She is not being mean but realistic because all of our hearts are so broken and our lives so devastated some days we can't even be there for ourselves let alone another mom. I know that sounds bad but as the days go on and the journey gets longer I know myself am getting weary and each day is a new challenge. The longer you go the harder it seems without our angels here. I am guilty as charged...when I say a great number of us read them but we don't respond as we should...and I just wonder if it is the same as with us...some days it is so hard just to read the posts...I know that sounds bad leaving another mom out there but each person is coping with their newly devastated life differently...Laura & AV
I am sorry you were having a bad day and that it seems as though everything will always be bittersweet for all us and there will never be the happiness we once knew. Our youngest has moved away to college and what should be a happy time instead has filled our hearts with fear knowing we lost Lisa when she spread her wings to fly out into this cold evil world. Know that you and Chris are always in our hearts. Luv to you...Laura & AV
Let me start out by saying that I am truly sorry for any sad feelings you had regarding reponses to your post.I happen to like the old post that was here.The others will tell you this new one (well not so new) is harder for me to keep track of.I feel this new one gives cause for missing messages because depending on how many posts are going on your's can wind up towards the bottom and get overlooked.
My immediate concern is our angels angelversary's,birthdays and candles.I know the feeling of disappointment too well concerning lack of candles being lit or messages on these saddest of days for me and other mothers.
I sometimes spend hours on the computer making pictures (Kimis for the other angels sites)or lighting candles and sending condolences.There are close to 50 other angels I know from last memories site plus Nicky himself has 4 sites of his own.I don't go on MOM's Message board everyday cause my family complains that I need to spend some of my free time with them
Sometimes MOMS may need a break from the depression that sets in as you read yet another of our children was so brutally taken from us.
I know to you this may sound like excuses but as Laura said sometimes our heart can't hold anymore sadness and you need to step back and take a break.
This week was a bad week for many Bette,Melinda and some other MOMS I know who are going through their child's first anniversaries,or are just having a hard time coping.
I am sending all my love and some special HUGS to you today to let you know we are here for you and sometimes need a reminder that all we all need is someone to respond to our pain.I honestly though didn't see your post.
If you would like to make some other MOMS day maybe you could find the time to go on their sites and light a candle in their memory.my son's is
http://nicholas-pisano.last-memories.com/ Love and God Bless
Happy belated Birthday Ezra I know uncle Chris is looking out for you always and when you look to the sky know that he is shining his love down on each and every one of you ALWAYS
Dear Lois Thank you for lighting a candle for my son,it did make my day.As I told April last memories is a good site and free,I would love for you to add Chris to it.There is something calming about it as you decorate the site for holidays,birthdays anniversaries etc.It is a way to talk to my son and other mothers and honor their children.I hope you are feeling a little better,although we all know how difficult that is at times.Love and God Bless
all I can say is I love you all and I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself with you ladies...I'm shaking. Life has been a bit rough..I had to take some time off. Too much time...I'm back now.
Thankyou Laura and Shirley and all of you that have reached out when you have
love to you
I too, am guilty of not coming on here as often as I used to. I know how difficult days can be and I too have had several posts that were never responded to. It does hurt, and I apologize for not checking in here more often. Sometimes life gets in the way, but alot of the time it is simply too painful to know and see yet another mom that is suffering as much as I am. It's only been 15 months for me and it's still so very fresh. I have been for the most part, alone since a couple of weeks after my son's murder. No one bothers to call anymore or answer their phone when I call them. Times like these show who your real friends are and mine have all disappeared.
Please know that I do understand your feelings and the pain you are going through. I am so sorry for not checking in more often.
Hi Alisa...Please don't listen to me...I'm guilty too.
Reading your words reminds me....
I'm so sorry for your pain...my Chris has just been gone 19 months...and every moment I realise more and more what I've lost...he was truly my best friend...
I find myself very alone now...no one in my family except my daughter who can't go there often, talks about him to me...and no one else here knew him...that was my home in Hawaii...that was that life and now there is this life...and it is so different.
I still so want to share him with others.
So if you need to talk I'm here
Lois don't ever feel sorry about sharing your emotions with us moms no matter what they are or how you feel. That is what this board is all about and why we are here for each other. Just hang in there and know we are here for you some of more so on some days than others but your Chris will always be in our hearts. Luv ya...Laura & AV