Today makes 18 months my Chris has been gone...
I miss you more every minute but I remember more as well...
Thankyou God for my gift of Chris. I treasure him always...and to you my Angel Chris...I will love you forever and I'm frightened of how much I will miss you.
I love you Chris....
Thanks for you ladies
On July 13th it will be 3 years since I lost my son Timmy. He was only 15. I don't think it ever gets easier. I just seem to get more sadder as the time goes by and all the things I've missed, all the things he should be doing I see his friends doing, learning to drive, going to proms, graduating high school, falling in love, getting married, having a family..... so much pain....
First we count the days then the months then the years and we miss our angels more and more every day. This is a hard road we are on but somehow we make it through and I believe it is with the help of our angels.
Love and Hugs
Mahalo Bette and Shirley, your kind words are appreciated as you know.
I just got back from therapy...can I tell you about Debbie? I've been seeing her almost a year, my insurance covers 20 visits yearly which ran out a month or so ago. She never made me pay my co-pay and now sees me for free every friday...amazing kindness.
I really have to remember that kindness when the world is so unkind now. I am very thankful for her.
I still can't believe this is what has happened to us and by someone who we never thought could ever do something as evil,cold and calculating to our Chris. That's what everyone said "who ever did this could not have known Chris" the front page caption below his photo..."He was loved by everyone" before we knew that the killer was one we trusted to protect not destroy our precious Chris.
I'm sorry but today is hard and I hate that this is the life we have now. Our family legacy...as if it wasn't bad enough...and we had such hope at the time to change things for the better...for our family and our future generations...I just miss my boy so. I hate his killer was his father, I hate he shot him 8 times and threw him off that cliff and I hate that I know how cold and evil he was in his statements and how he never has expressed any concern for Aly, his "Princess" not a word about what he had done to her. I hate I read the autopsy and know he shot my boy when he was sleeping...from three different directions. I hate I found that pix,now in my bible, that didn't develope the first time but did on the disc of Chris lying on the couch in the position that would explain the angles as I first read the report...the shot on his arm with the ajacent mark proving to me as I read Chris's arms were folded. I hate that the court let that murdering fool label my son an abuser, that he was defending himself as Chris was coming at him.
I hate that I'm whining to you guys but who else would know how much I want to scream out what has happened like somehow that would make it all go away.
Days like these I don't know how any of us continue without our children here with us, like it used to be.
But we do...I hate seeing the pain I see here that we all know so well.
Love to you as always
Lois, as you know, Keara was also killed by someone she loved and apparantly trusted. I hate it that she gave her heart to that SOB and he brutally murdered her in the place she called home. I knew he was capable of it and was so afraid for Keara and then my worst nightmare came true and changed the person I am forever. I know it makes things even harder to know that all he got was a slap on the wrist and your Chris is dead. The justice system is so messed up. By the way Lois, do u still live in Hawaii?
Hi Darien, I'm so sorry for your nightmare too and appreciate what you go thru knowing your Keara loved and trusted her killer. I remember when we split up how I had felt relief I had gotten Chris away from him.
My mother didn't want me and gave me and my sister up' I was 3, her 1st born. My father wasn't there either and we spent the next 5 yrs in foster care...not good.
My grandfather took us in but died. My mother came into the pic...she thought we were getting big cash.
No...no $$$. She and her hubby had us 3 yrs...of all the abuses...Back to my dad at 13...he takes us from New Jersey to Calif w/o custody...she did nothing.
Life with him not much better...let's just say I know every bar he hung out in...seeing women in his bed in the morning who I'd never even know their name...saying he'd race my girlfriends up to bed...you get the picture.
I felt I was never good enough for my narcissistic father, he's never once said my sis and I were pretty but raves about his friends daughter's looks education etc. even now.
Anyway I had spent most of my life wasted until I had my kids...I've always said those were the best years when they were growing up...I always wanted a family and kids...but when the marriage ended I had no help and was alone in Hawaii except for mysister who is a whole nother story. Thru her I was introduced to the world of crack and soon soccer mom was a junkie...that was 12 years ago. I've been off drugs 7yrs now but the alcohol was always my major problem and that I gave up almost 2 yrs before Chris was killed and remain sober still...quit smoking Again...I had quit when pregnant with Aly and started 13 yrs later...I needed the ashes for my drugs. I smoked for around 10 yrs and had just quit 6 months before Chris died...no smoking either. Promises I made to my son eye to eye, heart to heart.
So to finally answer your question Darien, No I no longer live in Hawaii.
You see I had to leave I had hit my bottom finally...at my son's urging with 1 month of sobriety I left to get my **** back together and it was not to be a permanent move maybe a year tops. You may remember I had never been away from my kids.
But then there is life...My daughter came to visit re-connected w/her now husband and my grandson Ezra on the way before the 1st year her was over...the best laid plans.
So my stay was extended indefinitly to help and enjoy this new life coming.
Everything was getting better in that way but things were so hard for Chris at the time with his health and his eye injury...even with that he tried to protect me and give me hope but it was as good as it would be but we did have hope.Chris and Randy Were having problems...Randy was drinking himself stupid daily and Chris was in so much daily pain. We talked about his father alot...Chris just wanted him to be present which was the same thing I had wanted all those years ago. We had no idea what we were dealing with Randy...he was sicker and more bitter and resented my leaving and then his Aly's leaving more than we could have ever imagined. He hated me for leaving him but it seemed he could handle when I was at my bottom and he could watch and never offer anything but a beer behind my boy's back...in retrospect it makes too much sense at times.
I never thought this would happen. Randy was alot of things I didn't like but to kill Chris, his own son. It's still so hard to believe I know there is nothing left of the person I knew as my children's father...to think I actually loved this monster at one time.
I now live in Cardiff Calif and I still miss my home in Hawaii but he took that too...maybe another island my daughter lives 4 blocks from me here. We don't know how that happened. It really was a fun and exciting time for all of us...we couldn't wait for Ezra...when Chris met Ezra the wknd before his death Aly said he had remembered everything I had been telling him of Ezra and told him all about it. Less than aweek after spending time with his son, his daughter and her husband and his 1st grandchild, seeing their joy he could do this....
I said 18 months because in 6 it will be 2 years since Chris's death but in 7 1/2 his killer will be released and that is scary for so many reasons
As usual I have gone on for some time but I figure if nothing else it's something to read.
Love to you
SOOO...I feel bad for whining again. I am not a whiner but now sometimes the past only intensifies the present. I can't help but feel the guilt of my bad choices that led to my leaving Chris to get better because I was weak and now Chris is dead and I will never feel blameless and that sometimes makes me wish I were dead.
But I shouldn't take it out on you guys so I want you to know you're a beautiful bunch of ladies and I appreciate you very much.