It's been so long since I've written a post. I do try and answer most as I can as most of you know I'm kind of afraid to write anymore cause of the "spies" lurking.

But at this point I don't care. I'm falling apart, to pieces. I don't know how much more I can endure. My oldest is a mess, my middle guy is trying so hard to keep it together. I've lost more weight and am so tired and feel sick all the time. I don't want to go to dr.'s to get meds I don't have the money anyway. I just don't know how to keep going. I need my mom's to give me some encouraging words :) I'm lost,like a puppy dog. Just wondering around and around. I feel no joy anymore, my life is a big dumpster. I feel so terrible all the time. The hurt with losing Timmy is so great and his 3 year anniversary is coming up, and my one son is a mess. I try so hard but I can't keep doing it. I know I enable things a lot but sometimes it's so easy just to give in, but in fact it makes it wrose. So why do Ikeep doing it??? I can't even get out of bed some days I wish I could just stay there all the time. I hate coming to work the drive is so long and now that the other car got crashed I have to drive my son to school 3 nights a week and then pick him up after. I'm exhausted and just so emotionally drained. How can keep on going like this I feel like I'm about to just fall apart. I keep in my head to stay strong and then the tears just come. I hurt all over,my body is tired, my brain is tired. WTF those people ruined my life, they ruined my kids life, they took my baby away from me, now I feel like nothing. Its just too much to keep going thru and I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get out of this nightmare I'm in. I pray every night for God to give me guidance to help me stay strong.

I wish for all of us I could go back and change the hands of time. I really truly do.

I'm a mess mom's just one big complete total wreck of a mess.

Bette,
I,m home on my break and just want you to know I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. we really can how cruel life can be...
I was thinking this morning...I don't want this to have happened anymore...what a joke this life now. To be so awake yet in such neverending pain...
I'm thinking about you and your 3 boys and sending love..

Bette
I am so sorry you are feeling so crummy I gotta tell ya I know about enabling believe me I did the same with my oldest son. My Jimmy use to tell me "Mom you gotta stop helping him all the time it just makes it easier for him to be a F. up" Well Jim was right I finally reached the end of my rope with Shelby after Jim was murdered. It took awhile but Shelby has now been drug free for 9 months found a job also lives with my mom and takes care of her now he feels so good about himself. After 38 years I can honestly say I am so very proud of My Shelby and I know his brother is too. It breaks your heart to see them hitting rock bottom and doing nothing to help them but in the long run it was the best thing I ever did for Shelby. Try doing what I did I asked Jimmy to give Shelby a kick in the butt and I honestly believe he did cause not long after that is when Shelby started to get it together.
Love ya
Jimmy's Mom

Thanks guys. Shirley I do know you know what I'm going thru the same thing. I wish I was stronger I'm just not right now. I'm falling to pieces. I can't stand it any longer. He's doing great in school but since his friend crashed his car he has to wait for me to take him, like he can take an earlier train and ask them to lock up his tool box I would think they could do that, but no, it just makes my life harder. Driving all the way home, then taking him up. I don't want him to keep car cause I also pick up my other son from school 2 nights a week, him 3 nights back and forth though. It wearing me out. Tonight he could have been on time, my other son was going to take him up but no he had to be at the store when I got home and then Joe wanted to use the car and I said no, then he calls me when he gets there I got told about being late, like why does he have to call me and make it my fault??? and feel guilty about it?? I've been feeling awful all day, not getting any sleep I wanted one day to come home and just not stress but no I can't have that, not one night!!! I kept thinking about Timmy all day and little things kept making me feel like crying while at work I kept it in so hard it hurt my chest. Little memories like going to the beach, it's summer and I miss him more because we used to have so much fun. You guys are the only ones who understand what I'm going thru. The pain is unbearable, the stress is eating me up, I'm tired, and I feel sick every day. I just wish I knew what to do. Maybe I'll do that ask Timmy to give him a swift kick too, maybe that would help. I even tried to tell him how he would be so proud of him for going to school because that's what Timmy wanted to do go to tech school for auto mechanics. He is doing good but he is late every day. all because he let his stupid friend the car!!!! All that money I put out for that car, and it's gone, totalled. No collission on it, I lost a lot of money on that plus gained more pain and heart ache and stress over it. It makes me want to throw up every time I think about it.

I just wish the "old" me to be back, I want my Timmy back. I want him home, I just want him to come home so I can hug him. I miss him so much, I hate the way my life has become.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish we could turn back time also. To have our children back with us where they belong. Always know that we are all here for you, whenever you need to tell us how you feel. Your Angel is watching over you and he will make sure you get through this. You take care of yourself.

Randi

Bette, I definitely can relate to feeling the way you do. I know u said that you can't afford to go to the Dr. but I wish you would go anyway and there are antidepressants that have a generic that is not very expensive. I think if I weren't on meds I would have totally lost my mind a long time ago. I love you and am sorry you are feeling so badly.

Thank you mom's. I love you guys too. I would be a mess if I had not met any of you. You give me hope to carry on and that I'm not alone and have ppl to come to and talk to no matter what and you never judge me never tell me I'm crazy or do this or do that just lots of support and understanding. I know I do need an a/d med Darien, I still am thinking of asking the dr. to give me samples maybe to hold me over for a month or two. Just to get me thru this turmoil I'm in right now. I tried Lexepro once and didn't like it, gave me zoloft and made me funky, I did use celexa once and that seemed to work back then years ago, maybe I can try that again he had given me samples at that time and it really did help. I just am so tired and exhausted from my whole life. I am missing Timmy more and more, the pain gets worse not better. Maybe cause his anniversary is coming, maybe cause it's summer, I just don't know. Maybe cause I'm just falling apart that no matter what goes thru my mind I cry and fall apart anyway.

I am so sorry your feeling so bad. I do know exactly how you feel. So broken. I know the emptiness. And I also know the feeling of having no choice but to do what has to be done because of our other children. I dont feel like its getting any easier. But just know your a strong woman. It sure is hard to live after having your heart ripped out. Your in my prayers.

Thank you April, that is exactly how it feels, like my heart has been ripped out.

Love you all!

I hope everything is okay with you as can be spaz mom..This world is so cruel and evil and no one cares when any lives are so brutally taken especially the young innocent ones. Along with everything else the mother of a murdered child has to deal with we have to deal with the fact that no ones cares that our beautiful angel was murdered because the coward scum wanted in the hospital and now that is where is being pampered so they can protect the hospital for leaving him out on the streets. Cold blooded confessed coward killer and they are accomodating him and telling us we don't care where he waits for trial. The sign will be going up in the front yard with a dollar tally to show the taxpayers where there money is going to harbor a murderer...Jail $30,000 Hospital $175,000 Lisa's Life Priceless.....Luv ya...Laura & AV

Send me a picture of that sign!!!! Then we'll post it on Facebook to!!!!

I think that's a great idea. We need to challenge or anger/energy into doing something that just might change even just one person!!!!

You go girl.

Love yas
bette

Dear Bette I am so sorry you are continuing to feel so bad.When we lost our children,life stopped for us but the world and it's problems didn't.As you know my heartache aside from the loss of Nicky is my eldest.Now none of his siblings wants anything to do with him and I feel like a miserable mom that can't keep her family together.I too am an enabler but that is because we are wiser now to the ways of the world and can't bear the thought of losing another child.We were blindsided by the murders of our children,but this situation is staring us in the face.We are down a car and there is only one for all of us to use so I hardly ever get the car,but Nicky's car will be fixed soon and we WILL get together for lunch.I promise.hang in there and remember I am only a phone call away.Love ya girl