After working all week taking cake orders for Mother's day I walked out Sunday morn, spacing Mother's day completely until the 1st greeting and then came the tears. Typical but still...
So anyway it made what had happened earlier...well I noticed...
I told you about the 1st angel pin, the one that said Mom a guy dropped into to my hand a while ago, a trade for a cup of coffee. Angel #2 came 1 week later after my days off. It's a charm and it was taped to my time card.
So I put it in my pocket...Yes I had an angel in my pocket AGAIN...it was cool. So I took it home and went to put it w/angel#1...could not find it, I was sure I put it w/Chris' shells but no. I knew it would show up, I think.
So back to the coffee Mothers day...when I went to get my coffee I had no paper $$ so I got loose purse change and there was my Mom angel in a handful of change, on Mothers day. I smiled when I realised that it on mothers day and I felt his smile for a moment...
I just miss that guy so much...I know it's understood here just how much you can miss someone...I wonder sometimes if it would be much different if Chris had died a gentle death...I'd still miss him, wish he were still here...but I know this way is very different.........and I was trying to be positive.
Hi Lois, Before I started my own support group for people who have lost a loved one to homicide or suicide, I went to some Compassionate Friends meetings. I felt like an outsider there because nobody could understand the horror that we experience as mothers of murdered children. They were nice enough to me but I still felt very much alone. That is why I started my own group. I don't know if that answers ur question or not.
True for me to Darien, I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting just one time, maybe 2 months after Timmy was killed or maybe one month, maybe too soon????? but I felt the same way, there was only one other person there who I was intended to meet somehow anyway whose daughter was killed (they never caught the killer(s) for her) and felt very out of place, the agony of hearing how people's children who died whether by illness, accident, etc. felt different to me. Please don't get me wrong anyone who lost a child no matter what will be in pain, this terrible agonizing pain, but murder I think is so far harder to accept and understand. Someone took it upon themselves to take our babies lives!!!! I can't accept that, the hatred to do this, the pain to think how someone could just shot my baby boy in the back of his head, making him kneel on the ground, it kills me, it eats me up inside, it tears me apart, my whole soul, my being. I'll never ever understand this. NEVER
I'm so glad you have found your angel pin and as I said before I believe in signs, I believe they tell us they are with us one way or the other, it gives me hope. Each little dime I find, or maybe when I'm driving home crying my eyes out and some great song comes on the radio, or I find a little trinket of his around the house, I still have his things all around. Some I've put away, but mostly I leave his stuff in his drawers, his dresser, his clothing, sneakers, etc. There are just some things I cannot possibly "put away" I just can't I break down each time I try. I gave up trying.
Darien, Hi..I guess I was wondering out loud but I do know how much more we who have had our children murdered have to endure. We've had our hearts brutalised. Our journey in life has changed completely in the worst direction. So bad is it that very few can or will ever have true empathy for our incredible pain. They don't want to know...ever. They wish it never happened, to us and in their lives. So they go back to their lives of deserved and sometimes not so deserved happiness...irritating sometimes but I know it's me not them.
Bette, I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I'm hearing how young your boy was...how there in your life he was...my Chris was just starting to "cruise" more on his own, at 15 they are just becoming young men. I remember Chris then...I had left his father who 10+ years later executed him while he rested. Chris went through alot of growth inside and out his last decade. He had gone through so much and came thru with hope.
I'm so sorry for all of us Moms who no longer have the future of our children to look forward to.
It wears you down.
Glad you found the Angel pin and now have Angel pin #2. Like your Chris loved to Surf, My Jimmy loved to ride his motorcycle when he rode it was like he was part of the bike. I know if Jim had, had an accident and been killed doing one of his 100 mph wheelies I would have been able to understand that. I would at least have known he died doing something he loved to do. But murder is something we just can't understand or wrap our minds around. So yes I think if our children had died instead of being murdered we would be able to at least understand their death.
Love and Hugs
I know what you mean...if only an accident or a wipe-out.. I heard it more than once from Chris 1st with his stomach pain, next his loss of vision in his eye.
I'm glad your Jim had the love and passion of his motorcycle skills...when they are one with it. He must have been awesome to watch him grow into who he became. Jim's bikes...Chris's board...free they were.
About my 2 Angel pins. I didn't realise I had always had another angel pin until I went to put them safely w/ Chris's shells. It's an angel sitting in the 1/4 moon, above her head the word Believe. So in the order they came Believe, Mom, Love...so that is what I have try to do now
love to you