Today is my daughter's birthday...I love her so much.
She turned 27 today...so in 10 months she will be where her brother was in life when he was murdered.
10 months from now his killer will be free...her father. I only have 10 months of any kind of feeling of safety knowing he can't hurt us...
I told them this from the very beginning, that I would never feel safe. While he and I we were'civil'
I knew he hated me...my Aly would say "maybe you and Dad will get back together" I couldn't figure out what he was telling her that she would even think it.
Sorry--so much stuff---
the police report, what he says, what he did to my boy,the autopsy, the realization that yes...true to his cowardly ways he shot my son as he rested/slept.
That he took my boy's body to the spot Chris and I found together when I was with him...private on the ocean...I told him about it 5 weeks earlier. I was afraid that was where he took Chris so my sister took me to an area north of the entrance of Makensie park and Chris and I had gone south...WRONG... I found out about that now...now I know he did this horrible thing intentionally, possibly pre-meditated.
But only because I paid for the report...$250 do I know any of this at all.
They didn't tell me because they had screwed up so bad from the very beginning....I don't know, any time I've been in a courtroom the first thing they ask is are you on medication...he definitly was.
Now I know...Chris was too smart to argue with a gun...held by a drunk. We weren't gun people...I was unaware Randal had gotten the guns----at a garage sale. Everytime I'd have it in my mind I always saw Chris laying down...I was afraid he was sleeping and I knew he wasn't beating that a**-****. The autopsy only confirmed for me what I had felt from the beginning.
THERE WAS NO FIGHT maybe an argument about his drinking or Chris might have been trying to keep the guns away from his father...he said Chris had taken one of the guns at one point in the interview and they were arguing about that...but they just let that go...but I think Chris was already afraid and I just wish he could have told me but like Chris he wouldn't have wanted to worry me like that.
So here it is my Aly's birthday...I called them my bookends...and I can't stop thinking about what happened to her brother. When do I tell her...I think she might not want anymore info sometimes but I want her safe and her family as well. All I could say so far was "whoever we thought we knew is totally gone...and she didn't want more.
MY b/d is Thursday...55...one day closer to the day I see Chris is small kine comfort. But then there is the rest of my life feeling such a deadness at times but hoping for that time when I die and start to feel alive again and don't have to carry this pain anymore.
I guess we can all relate to that...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALY... LOVE CHRIS......and your Mama.
Thanks MOMS for love I always feel here. We have a bond no one can understand just because we share this pain. I've had people say "why would you want to go there?" and of course it's because they've never had to be here and could never know what a lifeline this site can be...to connect with the ones who know how sad we will always be...even when we can smile...this just doesn't ever go away and we don't get over it. Again Thankyou
Tell Aly Happy Birthday from our family. I do know how the number games works for our children. My youngest will turn 19 and on that exact day she will have lived one day longer than her "big sis". While we won't make a point of it I know she will realize it and how difficult it must be for them. I do understand as I think we do how birthday's are for us as mothers. Mine marked 30 years longer than Lisa ever got a chance to live. Like you say others will never understand and ask, Why do they count?, Why do they think aobut it like that?, Why don't they just celebrate what they do have? Their child would want it that way...Bette, Timmy's mom said it best...I know he would but it just hurts too much because I loved him so very very much...We are all here for you. Luv ya...Laura & AV
I am also sending Birthday wishes to Aly, I know what you mean about BDs mine just passed and my exact thoughts were another year closer to being with My Jim. I think the only thing keeping me here is Jimmy's baby girl Sandra I know Jim would want me to be here for her. People just don't understand how important this site and all our sister moms are for us we need understanding and who better than another mom that is walking in our shoes. The things we feel just can not be explained to someone who hasn't been on this road we travel. I don't even try there are no words to express the total devastation we feel and will continue to feel for the rest of our lives.
Sending Hugs your way
I am sending Birthday wishes to Aly also. Last year my youngest daughter Leigh became older than her big sister ever got to be. It was a very hard Birthday for her. It never should have happened and Birtdays, anniv. dates, holidays and ordinary days can just be awful for us. I think it is impossible for other people to understand but we do. We are here for you. Love ya, Darien
Thankyou. Your support means alot to me, mahalo for your kindness.
I saw my 1st rainbow today...1st since the weeks after Chris was murdered. During that time I saw many starting here in Cali.and many more in Hawaii that week I was there, of course at special times. At our celebration of Chris' life there were hundreds of orchids...an abundance of flowers, no shortage of rainbows...so I have been waiting for some rainbows.
I had many special things happen today that I think Chris may have had something to do with...but you guys probably have heard enough of that from me. I really must say there were a heck of alot of "coincidences" today...the day between our birthdays.
love to you
Yes, please tell Aly Happy Birthday from me also.Dates,dates,dates.I hate them! I wish none of us were on this site,but the sad fact remains that we are.No one except our families understand this pain and the need to communicate with others who are going through what we are.I can only say to those who don't understnad I hope they never have to meet here.On the other hand thank God we have each other to turn to.Rainbows! How beautiful they are glad you can still the beauty in them.Love you ladies,God Bless