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Debbie Wiley – MOMS Founder 

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Not getting better

I just realized that the luncheon for Jim is being held on the birthday of his murderer how appropriate don't ya think? I would like to send him a BD card to wish him many, many more BDs in PRISON.
I am not one to have anxiety but the other day I went shopping and I couldn't even think my head felt like it was spinning and all I wanted to do was get out of the store and get home. I am so sick of this life I am now living I want things to be better but I just don't see that happening. I am getting worse instead of better I miss Jim so much I just want to see his face and tell him how much I love him, how much he meant to me, what a great son he was. I tell him all of those things but don't even know if he hears me. I now even put on my happy face for my family they have no idea of what I have been going through lately. I hope I get past this soon I know Jim would want me to be happy but I can't even do it for him. Well now I am ranting so I will quit. I am so glad to have you all don't know what I would do if I had no one who could truly understand.
Love all of you
Jimmy's Mom

Re: Not getting better

Hi Shirley,
I am so very sorry life seems even more overwhelming for you right now.
That the luncheon falls on his killer's b/d is ironic. I use ironic because my Chris asked me what it meant just before murder at his father's hands.
Irony seems to be a big part of life these days.

There won't be any celebrating for his killer's b/d but your day will be filled with Jimmie's love and he'll be honored and remembered that day...so I hope you see that maybe it's ironic but okay...in this way the good shines thru on a day that is for you and your boy and for his killer it'll just be another day in prison and it will be his b/d.

So you take your day and feel the love for Jim and from Jim as well.

I try and stay strong for Chris too. One of our last talks he told me how could never harm himself because he would never hurt me like that...He really went through alot...I'd say they keep trying to break him but they never broke his spirit...he was so beautiful...he had to fight his way up in hawaii...he told me that day if he'd have known it would have gone as it did he'd have gone professional...it was kind of a joke. I'd tell friends Chris was the kind of guy that would break his ankle, get the cast off and break his other ankle...REALLY. He was pretty unlucky it seemed and he was one of the nicest guys which made it even harder to see.

And then this. We could not believe it, not after all he had been through. Not like this but yes it is like this.

I say all this because I don't know if you and your Jim ever had reason to have that kind of talk but sounds like you would have heard the same kind of thing from him. Chris did tell me so I know what I have to do. While I know I will never be truly happy, not like when before when life so much better with Chris in it. I do know what he wants...for me to be happy in life...How's that for ironic...So I try to keep that in mind, how glad I am that he never saw me in this kind of pain and how much happiness he wanted for all of us he loved.

Now I've gone way longer than I meant to.

Sendind love to you

Re: Not getting better

I think it is a great day for a Luncheon Honoring my son :). I wish his murderer knew what we are going to be doing on his BD.
I don't even know why I have been so messed up lately guess it comes with this life we now live. I even think part of it is knowing that the POS that murdered My Jim is alive and getting BD wishes sent to him when all I can do for my son is buy flowers and send balloons to him for his BD. I will get past this I have been down this far before and suppose I will be many more times before my life is finally over.
Love and Hugs
Jimmy's Mom

Re: Not getting better

Hi Shirley. I am sorry you have been struggling lately but if it helps any I know exactly how you feel. Time almost seems to make this worse and I like you, know Keara would want me to be happy but I also believe that she would understand. Especially because she was a mother herself. I wish I could say this gets easier with time and I guess for some people it does but for me it hasn't. All I know how to do is to ride the waves of this grief and know that there are times that are just so hard and other times where I feel a little better. I miss my old self. She appears to be gone and it's hard to live in this world without my Keara. I hope you will feel better soon. Love ya. Darien

Re: Not getting better

Dear Shirley
I'm so sorry to hear how you have been feeling.I'm so glad for this board where we can all keep in touch with each other's feelings.There are many days in the past where someone has written an encouraging message that saw me through the day.
Jim's luncheon will be such a wonderful day.I can just see how pleased he will be.We will all be there in spirit with you.
I never wanted the death penalty for Nicky's killers cause I want them to go through their lifetime in jail not ever having a birthday party again or a Christmas tree to decorate or the chance to have children or more children or anything else life has to offer where they are free to do what they want.
They get a glimpse of it and then it is taken away from them.They can hear about it but can never act on it.Disappointment, day after day, month after month year after year.The same routine till it drives them crazy.Even then they won't experience the craziness that their actions have caused or the pain but at least I will have some satisfaction that they can only sit around and think about how stupid and uncaring they are.
I'm sending you a BIG HUG girlfriend,and again thanks for sharing Jimmy's Impact statement with us,it truly was beautifully written.Love and God Bless

Re: Not getting better

Darien and Barb thanks it always helps to hear from you guys.
Barb I never would have wanted the death penalty for those same reasons, we will be honoring My Jimmy's life and that POS will be whining and feeling sorry for himself. I think with the luncheon and with Jim's birthday comming soon it has just gotten the best of me.
Love and Hugs
Jimmy's Mom

Re: Not getting better

OMG Shirley. I am so sorry. I didn't even know how bad you were feeling and yet, you were still there to let me vent and rant. I have to apologize for being so caught up in my own pain that I let you down. I love you and I am so sorry and I feel so horrible that I didn't think. I find it fitting that the luncheon is on his bday too and I am so glad they remember Jimmy in such a nice way. I love you and if I do that again, slap me through the phone. :)

Re: Not getting better

Kim I will always be there for you and all the other moms no matter what state of mind I am in no apology necessary. You had some pretty big things on your mind also and I so well know what you were going through.
Love ya
Jim's Mom