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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)
As Nicky's angelversary date approaches I ponder on the stupid little things about time.I can't pass an insignificant article in the house without thinking I bought that before Nicky died and it lasted longer.Or a warm spring day without thinking that he was here enjoying that sunshine less than 2 yrs ago.I try not to dwell on these time issues but none the less they hit me so often.I hate dates as they are approaching because I now have to add another year to the mix.As those around me feel that Nicky will always remain young in their memories,it is the time when he was little that haunts me.I guess it's because I spent so much time with him when he was young.I felt he would always be safe as long as he was with me. And then they grow up and go their own way,and the worry begins because we all know how cruel and dangerous the world can be and they aren't right next to you to protect against the evils of the world.The time you spend with them is less,yet you appreciate it more because you know it may be a little while before you see them again.If a day or two passed without hearing from him you can be assured the phone would ring on either end to catch up on the one or two days we hadn't talked.Oh how I miss those times! And so as I walk past an object that takes me back in time or think about the past years or hear a familiar song it always goes back to how can time move on when I'm so stuck on March 31st 2008? It does though.And when something breaks like a dish that he has eaten out of I crumble.Dates are bad, however it is the every day missing of him that is the reality of death.Time just seems to add confusion to my heart as I try not to dwell on the fact that things have lasted longer than him.I love you guys God Bless each and every one of you
Know exactly what you mean, I broke a bowl of Jim's and cried. I see things and think Jimmy would like that. Wonder if we will ever not do that, and the time thing I do that one too. I know how hard these days leading up to Nicky's angelversary are, know that we are all here for you, we will pick you up when you are down.
Barb, I truly can relate to what you are saying, you too Shirley. So much time that passes by that I can't believe it's been that long already, just like mom's who have gone on 5 yr., 10 yers. etc. I wonder how the heck did they do it?? I imagine when my mom was still alive, and can't believe it has been 25 years since she passed, 25 years!!! but with Timmy each day passes and I think I can't go on another day just passing without him. then when it hits that year mark I feel devestated how did I live all this time w/o him??? I too see things that remind me of him, things of his I can't put away, drawings, I still have his clothes in his dresser I can't get myself to put them away. Or his Steeler's cup that is fading that I swear if I lose it I will flip out so now that it going in my room. I had his keys on a special key chaing shaped like a anchor, and one day they disappeared I was frantic looking for them, almost pulling my hair out trying to find them, no we never did, don't know what happened to them. I'm always finding things in drawers little toys of his, silly little things he got from the .25 machines, I pick them up and put them right back where it was. Like with pictures I had, the one wiht him in the yellow shirt, well that one and another one of him in a towel at my friends pool, I oculdn't find for days. I was hysterical I ripped my house apart, I was in tears freaking out I have to find those pictures I don't have copies what will I do, I have to find them!!! I'm glad those I did find, thank God because I think that it would have driven me off the edge if I didn't. Those things haunt me all the time. I always say that I feel like I'm stuck in a time capsule I can't get past 7/13/07. That life before then has ceased to exist and I wonder how each day I move on knowing I won't see him. He is the first I wake up to and the last I go to sleep on my mind and memory. and I'll never understand how any of us can be in this "place" this place no mom should ever have to face.
You know we'll be here for you if you need us, angel dates are awful, just as holidays and birthdays, etc. I do believe that the angel dates are worse than any other because you know that's the day they left us. A reminder of to much hurt and sadness.
Hi Barb, I can relate to everything you have said. I am also having a hard time as Keara's angelversary approaches. It will be 4 years for me and on one hand everything about that day is burned into my mind and feels like yesterday and on the other hand it feels like such a long time since I talked to Keara. We spoke on the phone every day and I spoke to her that terrible nite. About an hour and a half later she was dead. It seems so wrong that these young people had their lives cut so short and in such a brutal way. My heart is with you as u approach this dreaded anniversary. Love ya. Darien
Barb - Everything you say I feel in my heart. My mother and I talked about this very thing; how songs, stores, just about anything reminds you and makes you think about before. But at the same time, your thoughts are always there. Sometimes I literally shake my head to push the thoughts away and then it just comes out of nowhere and overwhelms me. I see notices in the paper of friends getting married or having babies knowing that he cannot. I hate that his little sister will catch up in age this year. There is so much evil in the world and I notice it so much more than ever. Is it because there is more? Or am I just more aware? Maybe both, but I do think the evil is growing. Love to all you MOMS. I do not post here often but I do read your thoughts and think Wow that could have been written by me. I truly do feel your pain. Jill
Hi Barb, I too feel what you're saying and I'm sorry things are harder for you right now. I just passed Chris's Deathdate...his killer's one year mark, with one to go...Chris's Birthdate...now in april Aly will be 27, the same age as her big brother when their father took her brother's life....................
Life is so so different now. Living with another person's choices that have left us witth this never-ending nightmare and no one but our sad group of MOMS can truly understand how unfair life has become.
And how frightening the future can seem knowing we can only miss them more and more as time goes by...we'll never be "healed" just well enough to continue...
Love to you Barb and all you MOMS
Thank you all for responding to me in my grief.It only takes a little word from friends to help you through the hard times.I knew you would all understand and sometimes you need to know it is not you alone going crazy.I mean I do know some crazy MOMS.LOL Darien we will get through the next couple of weeks together. I love you guys tons.God Bless