As Keara's angel day approaches I find mysel falling into the black hole. I am crying all the time and revisiting the horror of her death. I have no control over it. It comes over me in waves. I could use some extra support right now so I don't fall completely apart. Love you Moms.
I know Darien it can be weeks before a birthday, holiday, anniversary and it just comes out of no where. You can't control it. Wish I knew words to help you through it all but the only thing I can offer you is that I'm here for you, cry, scream, vent, rage whatever it takes. I don't think the pain ever goes away but somehow we manage thru it, how, I don't think I'll ever know. Know that we are all here for you.
Darien,
I know all too well what you mean. My Jeremy's is not far behind Keara's and it's already consuming me. I went almost a month ago to try and get counseling and they said they would call me after they had staff meeting. I am still waiting for help. I'm here if you need to talk. New number is 405-598-1079
Dear Darien
I know what you mean also as Nicky's angelversary is March 31st.Two years of pain and suffering and crying rivers of tears.The old familiar punch in the stomach gnawing at me.Cyber hugs aren't as good as the real thing but here comes one your way anyway.(((((((((HUGS)))))))))Love you
Hey D,
Just took a break from takinging care of mom so I could check e mail and the moms board. I am so, so sorry for what you are going through it just hurts so much and nothing takes that pain away. You know I am here for you I think I will be able to come home this friday so give me a call Saturday if you want.
Love ya
Jimmy's Mom
Thanks for replying. I have been feeling so bad that I didn't even go to my counseling session yesterday and that usually helps me. Just didn't have the energy, stayed in bed all day. I have to work tonite and am wondering how I will get the energy. I just hate this. I feel doomed to a life of so much pain. I am also dealing with so much physical pain and having to take more and more meds. After almost four years I wonder if this excrutiating pain will ever get better. I just miss Keara so much and I seem to miss her more all the time. Barb I know Nicky's angelversary is coming up soon and that you understand how I"m feeling. I am so glad that I have you all as friends. This would be even harder without you. Love yas.
Darien, This is the 3rd time I've tried to get to you.Wrong button etc.
I am sorry you are feeling so much pain...hard to believe it can be so much worse than what we feel every day but we all know it can and does.
I'm glad for you that you have Keara's children to love. I'm so blessed to have Ezra to love...while I am so saddened Chris never experienced the joy of creating his children and his family...he held Ezra alot the three days they met he loved that little guy, three days later I spoke with Chris just hours before he was shot so many times...his last words to me were "I love you Mama,You go love Ezra now"
I didn't know for 2 days yet that he was gone but in retrospect, I knew...deep inside ther was an alarm going off. I hadn't thought of that for awhile.
Darien, I hope you know I visit Keara's site and love her. She was beautiful and her energy shines
love
Darien, the pain you speak of, Is it the pain of depression. Sometimes I can feel like I've been hit by a huge truck. The body pain is so physically intense...another thing we have to deal with now.
I hope you feel better soon anyway...bye
Darien, I dread March because it is Kaylin's bday month. Another reminder that she isn't here. :( I am so sorry for the pain you are in now. Physical and emotional. The grief affects every part of our life. It seeps in and never goes away. I am thinking of you and I love you.
Barb, thinking of you too. I know March is a hard month, or I should say harder month for you too.
Today a co worker was looking at my eyes and she is into botox and all that stuff and she asked me what was under my eyes. Well, after looking, I have callouses underneath the outside corners of my eyes. My guess is from crying everyday for the last 20 1/2 months. I never had them before and they are right where the tears fall from. Weird isn't it?
Kim, I am surprised that I don't have callouses also. I have been crying for almost four years now. Four years without my baby. I am so sad and just depressed. Life feels like it is too hard. I am so glad that I am going to see my daughter Leigh and two of my grandchildren. I wish I could be there for Keara's angelversary, but the tickets were too expensive. I just feel so sick to my stomach. I have been reliving Keara's murder in my mind and it is so awful, I don't want to do it but it is just happening. I hurt all over, in my soul, my heart, my back, just constant pain all the time.
Darien...sending so much love your way...I'm so sorry that this is what we have now...dates. Just part of our list of reminders of our pain...I'm sorry you're feeling the worst of what can hit us. You are in my thoghts
Dear Darien
I am so sorry I keep missing your calls but I'm working all kinds of crazy days and hours so that I can have off the week of Nicky's angelversary next week.I hope to hook up with you this weekend and I'm praying for some peace and comfort for you.I'm glad you got to see your daughter and grandkids recently,that will always bring a smile to your face.Love ya girl
