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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)
My sis called me today mom had fallen and my sis took her to the hospital well mom broke her ankle. My sis and My Shelby are staying with her to help her get around and in case she needs anything. I hate going into that hospital stood outside the emergency room door and it hit me I had to get out of there, to many memories of the worst night of my life.
I'm sorry Shirley. We MOMS really have been hit so hard that we now never know when and where it will happen in this new kind of life we been forced into.
I do think Chris was trying his best to let me know he was with us...it helps you do too. Mahalo Shirley.
Love to you
Shirley, I can really relate to what you are saying. Though I never had to go to the hospital as my son died at the scene, but things in the beginning were alwful like going into the food store and seeing all the snacks I would have bought I broke down and pratically ran out of there. I don't think as time goes by it gets any easier.
Last night as I sat eating dinner, I heard someone outside bouncing a basketball, I sat there and almost chocked, I just started to sob my eyes out. Timmy & his friends (we have a basketball court thing) out front would always play basketball. Those even smallest things, certain smells, sounds, even a kid walking or riding a bike that might sort of look like him, just makes me break down out of no where.
Why is life so painful??
Shirley, I am sorry to hear about ur Mom breaking her ankle. I imagine going to that hospital will always be difficult. Things like that just bring everything to the surface again. I hope having Sandra for the weekend will help you. Love and hugs. Darien
Sorry to hear about your mom,I hope she's up and about soon.I'm also sorry you had to go back to the hospital and re-think that whole scenario.I have trouble riding by I 95 where Nicky used to live,cause I want to stop in and see him.I know Bette has it bad cause Timmy died right down the street where she lives.So many reminders! Every where we turn.I'm making breakfast now and it's pork roll,Nicky's favorite.Well, I'm just going to have some for him too! Bette next time you hear the bounce of a basketball go out and shoot some hoops,I'll bet Timmy would just love that. Give our Sandra a hug and tell her it's from her aunties.Love and God Bless
I do hope your Mom is getting along well. I am sure that we all have places that makes us think of our child where we just shake inside. I worked as an O.R. Tech at our Hospital when Monica was Murdered and I had to enter the room where they brought her and discovered that she was my child. I also had to enter the Morgue where she laid until they came to take her for Autopsy. It was so hard. The Hospital had a Counselor come in because with it being a small community basically everyone knew our family. It was hard for everyone the Nurse who recieved her could not tell who she was because of the 2 gunshots to her face (the gun was a 30/30) only when she looked at my daughters drivers liscense did she realize. For the longest time the people who took care of her that night could not look at me. I worked with her Doctor in the O.R. and he avoided me for so long. I was told he was so devistated that he had to leave early. We MOM's will never have a (normal) life again. Somedays I wish I could of been strong enough to go to her and hold her hand and tell her how sorry I was that I could not keep her safe. Then other days I know that I could not of kept going and helping her children get through it if I would of seen what he did to her.
I visioned it but I never had the confirmation. We all have to do what we can to make it through this and keep in our hearts that our children will be there in heaven waiting for us and they will be beautiful. I send you all my love and prayers. To those of you who are still seeking justice. Please stay strong and you are in thought and prayer.
Cindy (Monica's Mom)
Thank you all mom is doing I guess as well as can be expected she can't put any weight on her leg right now so my son Shelby is staying with her he can get her out of her chair into the wheel chair so we can get her to the bathroom and bedroom. She is looking better now and not in much pain.
Barb I avoid the street that Jim lived on too I so much want to walk in and see him there. His house is where he was shot.
Cindy I was told I could go see Jim after he was gone I couldn't do it I just didn't want to see him that way sometimes I wish I had but at the time I was trying so hard to deny that this had happened to him I knew if I saw him I would have to face the reality of it I wasn't ready for that. The doctor that worked so hard to try to save My Jim was talking to a friend of mine a few days later and he started crying, we live in a small town too by the time I got home from the hospital my house was full of family and friends. I really don't remember much after leaving the hospital guess I was just numb.
I do believe our children will be waiting for us and you are right they will be beautiful.
Love and hugs
I'm glad your mom is doing better Shirley. And yes Barb you are so right, I do drive by there I try and avoid it as much as possible, but I see the spot where I live anyway going out or coming in, driving down the street every single day it tears me up I want to move and I know this is difficult for my boys too though they never say anything. I went to the ME's office as my oldest son id'd Timmy that night. Later on in the day I was tld I had to go as a parent, they only showed me a picture of his face, I said to the forensic guy "he looks like he is sleeping" he only had like a brush burn on his forehead that was from him hitting the pavement. I asked where his stud was under his lip, he just had it pierced and they said they had to take it out and I told them make sure you put it back. I remember that whole day all the way up to the candle light vigil they had out front of my house that night and then I totally broke down I could not speak, I could not do anything but lay on my sofa crying hysterical and screaming "my baby, my baby" over and over. My friend wiping my face with a wet paper towel. Then the numbness came. I think the next 2 weeks after that I cannot tell you anything, I had many people come by, many of his friends, thank God my sisters stayed with me, I was in a state of shock, like a zombie, I could not eat, I could not sleep, I was just "there". I don't talk about this to too many people only you moms would really understand what I am saying, that day I died too.
I feel like I am sinking and can not get back up some days I just want to lay down and give up. Heard that what Jimmy kept saying in the emergency room that night was "Don't let me die". Miss Sandra's mother is trying to mess with my visitation already. My mom was told today she can't put weight on her leg for another 5 weeks, and jobs around here are impossible to find. Hearing that Jimmy was asking the doctors to not let him die is killing me, he knew he was dieing he told the girl who's house he got to, to have her call 911 that he was dieing he also told the sheriff who was first on the seine that he was going to die. Sandra's mother called my attorney told him I broke the agreement which I did not. So I figure if she can talk her daddy into paying for the attorney she will drag me into court to try to stop my visits. My mom tried to refuse therapy but the doc finally talked her into it. I am afraid she won't even try to use the walker they are going to show her how to use. She can not sit in her chair for the next 5 weeks she will be so weak who knows what will happen. I am coming to the end of my unemployment and jobs around here are few and far between. Most places that I might be able to work for only want people 3 days a week. So I know I am rambling and I am sorry for that I just needed to get this out.
I love you all
Shirley I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I know it had to have hit you like a ton of bricks facing that ER. All day today I kept writing 2008. I had to backspace so many dates. I could not get out of 2008 today. I live there all the time. I know it sounds nuts but sometimes is feels like a shock to me that it is 2010. I can't believe it is 2010 because I live in July 2008. Time has changed that's for sure. I hate that we have those slams and we don't know when we will get them. Thankfully we don't have to drive by where she was found, but we do take flowers out there on her angelday. We do ahve to drive by the place of her shrine though. I see it there every time we pass. It's that time of year now where I am seeing a lot of walkers out and about. I am seeing Kaylin in them again. She was always out walking around town. Those moments just catch your breath away. I want life back before Kaylin was murdered. I don't like this new one.
I hope your mom's ankle heals quickly and I am glad Shelby is able to help her out. Love you.