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Debbie Wiley – MOMS Founder 

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on the outside looking in

Even here on a website with other "MOMS" I feel very alone on this journey, just like when Chris was murdered and it was so hard to say the words not just that he had been murdered but his father did it.
I've mentioned Hawaii...we moved there in '91. Chris was 10 years old, his sister 8. Hawaii didn't help a bad an abusive marriage but it was his treatment of Chris was what finally split us up. Chris was such a beautiful loving boy but he could do nothing right as far as his father.
Life can very hard in hawaii, we didn't have much. I went from soccer mom to major drug and alcohol problems. My kids just wanted mom back...I had to leave the big island to do it. But leaving where my kids live was hard. I used to say "they can leave me" Well at Chris's urging I left. Jan 24 2010 made 3 years here. Dec 27th 3 yrs sober. I never intended to stay here but my daughter met her husband here and they have now have Ezra who was just 5 months old when his grandfather brutally took his uncle's life.
Chris's last year was the hardest for him. He lost his health...horrible stomach pain daily for a year then at the time Ezra was being born into this world my boy Chris was blinded in his left eye...Ezra was born with a ring of blood around his left eye. Chris didn't tell us for a week. His life had changed dramatically. He really had been through so much...it didn't seem fair
My Dad got me a plane ticket and I got to go see him for 11 days...we'd been apart almost 2 years. I flew into Hilo Oct 23 2008 and home Nov 4 2008. His father unexpectedly pulled some !@#$ and that changed things right away but we managed to share and appreciate our time together. I was stil trying to digest everything when Chris was killed.
This was big news in our small Hawaii community everyone knew Chris. He was loved. No one knew what could have happened, they knew us all. It was on the front page...he was loved by many...who ever did this could not have known him. Now we see how much of a leader he was, what an example he tried to be, how he protected us...word of mouth...coco-nut wireless hundreds showed up for his Life Celebration...children in Tahiti wore t-shirts with his picture until they could wear them no more.
I guess I ramble about this because of my last session.
My son was quite the video guy for awhile...I'm so blessed that I have 30 of those mini-cassettes of Chris and his adventures in Hawaii Tahiti and Australia. A friend is transfering them for me...I have the first three. It was oddly comforting seeing Chris.
Anyway she seems to see a documentary someday...Domestic Violence, Chris was one of the victim's honored at this past annual march, Social Injustice, the insensitivity and unfairness of the court system is something we all know too well it seems...knowing of this sadness and pain that exists here at MOMS is a big part of life now. Because we all Know what it feels like knowing we are the only one in the room, the store line, etc that knows what this kind of pain feels like.
That's where the connection becomes more apparent. We never saw this coming. We were just as shocked as if some ramdom idiot had shot him 8 times and thrown him over a seacliff..."whoever did could not have known him" was the collective thought in the community. Then we had to find out we knew the idiot very well or we thought we had.
Above I mentioned the dates of my trip to see Chris...one year later because of a late flight for my youngest nephew we flew into Hilo on Oct 23 2009 for the Plea acceptance of 2 years credit for time served. On Nov 4th 2009 that youngest nephew arrived here to start life over with us...he just turned 20.
why do i mention this. Because Chris asked me what ironic meant and the irony seems relentless. It was one year to the day of our visit...I kept calling it our bonus visit as Chris was days away from being medically free to travel when he was killed. You see He was coming here to us...but his killer wasn't having that.
Do I think it was the ultimate payback for leaving, no. I think it was the ultimate payback for regaining myself and for trying to be present in life...a grandson...it was just too good. So the evil-ness came.
I am so sorry for this pain we all share and know how special all our children were and the bond we shared with them irreplacable...that's another irony.
Can we love like that still? I hope so but I feel afraid of that kind of love now and it just makes me sadder.
So that's what I was thinking this morning off from work if anyone's listening

Re: on the outside looking in

Yes we are listening, it is so true that even with all the other moms I think each and every one of us feels alone in a way. Even with my family so close by I still feel alone on this journey. I too was in a very abusive marriage for 8 years I finally took my boys and left believe me it wasn't easy looking over my shoulder 24-7. My Jim had been through so much 9 surgeries for ears, tonsils and then burns all in the first 12 years of his life. I always thought he had been through all of this so nothing worse would happen to him he had been through enough. Then on 12/16/07 the ultimate horror. My life has been changed forever I will never be truly happy again my son is on my mind 24-7.I don't see that changing it has been two years and the only thing that has changed is that initial terrible pain I felt when I was told my son didn't make it.
This justice system has failed you and Chris I can not even begin to imagine how I would feel if the POS that murdered my son had gotten off with a slap on the wrist. I guess it is like I have been told it is easier to get away with murdering one of your own children than it is to get away with murdering your neighbor.
Keeping you in my heart and in my thoughts
Love and Hugs
Jim's Mom

Re: on the outside looking in

Dear Lois
It is very ironic that those dates are identical,one year apart.I am happy for you that your nephew is now living with you.He saw the love you have in your heart and wanted to be a part of that love.I believe Chris wanted him to be a part of your life too.How sad yet blessed you must feel that so many loved your Chris.It is hard to fathom why anyone would want to kill our babies when they were wo loved.I remember saying who would want to hurt Nicky? The one who planned Nicky's murder had my son's arm around him being introduced by Nicky as " this guy is like my uncle". Such a betrayal.And for what-- money? In Chris's case it was the ultimate betrayal.Then for the courts to be so heartless with their punishment.I just don't understand!

My sister who never left my side for 3 months when Nicky died told me the other day that my family misses me.They don't know how to get "in" so to say.They feel as though THEY are on the outside trying to look in and I am shutting them out with my feelings.They are not used to me not laughing,joking telling stories or being me.They realize I will never be the same person I was, but they know I hurt and want to help and don't know how.Part of me needed to deal with this pain myself.The other part of me didn't want to infect them with this pain.I finally came to the conclusion that those you love and who love you hurt when you do.They want to help but don't know how because I am not letting them know.The truth is I don't know what to tell them.It is necessary for them as well as me to deal with this heartache.I wanted it to be mine and mine alone.After all how could they know the depths of my pain.Simply put, when I hurt they hurt. I don't know if that makes any sense and until a couple of days ago I didn't know what that meant either.I know I will never heal if I continue on this way.I am not alone in my grief.There are thousands and thousands of mothers whose pain is just as real as mine.I don't corner the market on pain.And so I decided that I won't say fine when someone asks me how I am doing.I will tell them I'm trying,please continue to ask, the answer may change to " I'm coping " one day and when it does I'd like for you to be there,to share in this victory.When I start to cry I will explain it is not because they are making me sad so please don't not talk to me about my son,it is just because I love that you asked about him, they are tears of joy.For every person who ducks me in a store there are 2 more who truly care how I am doing and will seek me out.I just have to find a way to let them "in".It is me who is shutting the door on them.I have been walking around no makeup,no jewelry,not caring about my looks and health because I felt dead too and didn't care.Part of me thought how can you ever look happy again or even care how you look.This is all part of depression and I can either sink,swim or take the life preserver.I will try to swim on my own but when the going gets too tough,I'm gonna reach for the preserver and let someone help me.You see I think that these people were there all along,I just didn't want to see them.

I also know that as hard as this is I would like to start celebrating my son's life instead of mourning it.When we tell stories of Nicky and how goofy he was we laugh. I want to try to always focus on the very, very good things Nicky brought to our lives and how blessed we were to have him in our lives for 25 yrs.
I'll let you all know how that turns out,but I had a good start this week and I feel much better than I have in a long time.

Lois take that grandbaby of yours and squeeze him till it hurts.You have alot of love in you and you need to share that.Baby steps I say but take the walk. I doubt you'll be disappointed.Love and God Bless

Re: on the outside looking in

Thank you Ladies, I really appreciate your words...I've been on your websites and have cried at our common bond. I don't know if I said how very sorry I am for all of your losses, all I see is our beautiful children and I know how they would want to comfort us. when I heard the words "Mama...it's Chris...he's dead" no warning for those words and as I fell to the floor whispering "how?" hearing "He was shot" I felt him with me and I made a promise to him. I remember saying I wouldn't let it ruin me. What a ridiculous promise to make. I'll never be the same.
And so now with the happiness comes the pain...thats the deal. Love to you

Re: on the outside looking in

Lois, I understand feeling alone. I actually live alone for one thing but a lot of friends have drifted away. I think because I was too honest and told people how I really was feeling. I think people wanted me to be OK and when they heard I wasn't they would give me advice of how to deal with my loss or slowly drift away. I don't think people or many people know how to deal with someone who is in such pain. I have found some comfort and support here because I know the other Moms understand and even if we have different beliefs we all have had our children taken from us. Love and hugs to you. Darien

Re: on the outside looking in

Lois, I understand the feeling alone. When I first found this site I didn't know if I would be accepted. There were drugs involved in Kaylin's murder and even though she had been murdered, I wondered if she would be judged as having been at fault in her own death. It seemed like every where else that was happening. I didn't know if the MOMS here would feel like her death wasn't really murder since they faced violence with weapons in many cases. I didn't know where I belonged. They did accept me and they never said to me that I shouldn't be here. They welcomed me, but sometimes we do still feel alone. I guess there will always be times of that alone in a crowded room feeling. My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine a father being able to do this to his own child. I hope you know we are here for you and we love you. You're not alone. {{HUGS}}

Re: on the outside looking in

I am so sorry for your loss and life's hardness all around you. No I cannot even fathom a father taking his own son's life, I can't imagine anyone murdering someone. I don't have any words of comfort, I wish I had I wish I could take all mom's pain away. We are all here together in this sadness, this pain, that no one else will unerstand. I wish I could feel like I could be "me" again, but I know I never will. So many of my friends tell me to move on, Timmy would not want me to be sad, but I can't seem to be able to do that. I am sad all the time, I cry all the time. I see my 2 other sons suffer so and I can't help them and their pain goes thru me and the stress that we are al living in isn't helping any. My boys are torn apart, I try to be there for them, but there is too much pain for just me to handle on my own.

My son was 15 years old. 15!!!!! He was a baby. and I miss him for ever. I try and think of nice memories to help me get thru the day, but event hose mememories just make me sad and cry because I know that those short years we had is all I have left. I have no new memories, all the things we missed. So young so much more to give, so much to live for!!!

I am glad I found mom's but sad that we have to be here for the reason we are.

Love always

Re: on the outside looking in

Bette, I am so sorry...your Timmy, all our angels are so missed. You Ladies of MOMS are really Awesome I'm seeing. The pain that is there and it is noticable, for sure...but so is your strength and all the love you show. All of our stories are more than anyone should have to bear. I know how much Chris would have not wanted this for me and I try and remember that. I know all our angels are giving us eternal hugs...It's hard for me to notice sometimes but I try. Love to you Ladies Mahalo for being there, I'm grateful for that.

Re: on the outside looking in

I don't know why but the last few days I have been thinking about the fact that Keara loved the man that killed her. She tried to help him and be there for him and her reward was for him to kill her. It makes me feel so sick to think about it but I can't help it. Keara was such a good kind giving person and trusted people too much. I never wanted to be a member of a group like this but you are right Lois. The ladies here are awesome and I think we get strength from each other.Love and hugs. Darien

Re: on the outside looking in

Darien, I'm sorry we share this, our children knowing and loving their killers. Chris loved his dad, most of our talks had been about forgiveness just before Chris's murder. Chris was reading a book I had left for him. It was bookmarked the middle of a section on forgiveness. He had forgiven his father for being so not there. For not being present. For his dad not feeling the love that all of us could not help feeling blessed to have.
I have to stop those thoughts when they come...how sad Chris must have been when he realised how over that line his father had gone, whether he had been afraid this would happen but never thought it could.
Yeah I was all about forgiveness that other me they knew before. Now it's not as easy, nothing is easy.
I live alone too, a studio. I know how lonely it can be, thanks again for listening but I too wish we didn't have to be here... Take Care