Not much to say but I hope all of us feel our children close today...there are no words sometimes. Just I MISS YOU CHRIS and I am trying here but the days just keep going by. Much Love to all of us.
Hi Lois, you are right. Sometimes there just no words and the days go by. Bedtime seems to be my favorite time of day so I can just escape for awhile. But then there is always tomorrow. Love ya. Darien
Lois
The days and weeks and months then years just seem to go by and nothing changes the pain is still here the sadness seems to get worse and I just miss My Jim more and more every day.
Love 2 U
Jim's Mom
Time flies by but at the same time it seems to stand still for us. We are 18 months and 24 days into losing Kaylin but it feels like it just happened. I miss her more everyday. I broke down today at work and had to go to the bathroom. I cannot be alone or I am crying. I used to never cry and now I have cried every single day for 18 months and 24 days. I miss her so much. I want her back. I am fighting bitterness and anger right now. I feel so much hatred for that selfish coward. I have disliked people in my life and I know that hatred only hurts me, but I cannot help it. I hate him. I was thinking last night that he is asleep in his cell and she is buried in a casket and I hate him. Ok, I said it. Maybe I will feel better getting it out. Who knows. I just hate the roller coaster that coward threw us on. I am tired of people telling me I can't feel that way. Why? Why can't I hate that cowardly sorry excuse for a human being? I don't want to feel this way. I really don't. I want to be happy and not wear a masks. I have also decided that I am tired of having people tell me that I need to move on and get over Kaylin. I have made a promise to myself that if anyone with a child says that to me again, I am going to ask them to tell me if this happened to them, just how long would it be before they got over it and moved on so that I can adjust my grieving to that. I am tired of feeling like I have been slapped every time I hear that and having to just smile and feel guilty for grieving my child. I will grieve her the rest of my life and I ma tired of people trying to make me grieve on their time frame. I better get off here. We have court this week, so I am feeling especially angry this week. I guess I needed a few vents to people who know what I mean. Sorry if I shocked or offended anyone.
Dear Lois
I still have the calender from March 2008 on my refrig,I can't seem to pull it down.I think it will remain there forever until it totally crumbles.Others have told me why don't you take it down?.Because that is when my heart stopped and there it will remain.Kim is right time moves on for the rest of the world but stands still for us.No one dares tell me to move on regarding Nicky,cause whoever tried in the past got a ferocious look that just let them know don't go there.I guess the word spread.I remember someone from work asking me how I'm doing and I said not too good,and she said still? and I said yeah my son is still dead.Well thanks for thinking of our angels.Love and God Bless
Kim
You didn't shock me at all I hate Michael Marlin with every fiber of my being, but its like I keep that separate from all the other feelings and I refuse to let my hate for him consume me. I was talking with Diane one day and explained it to her this way.
My ex-husband (Jim's bio father) is a person I rate right under Marlin with the things he did to me and my boys Oh how I hate him. Anyway I use to just see red every time I would see him and I would be mad and upset for the rest of my day after seeing him. One day he came driving down the road looked at me with that great big smile (to which I use to give the finger) and I started to heat up inside then I thought to myself "you idiot this is just what he wants he loves the fact that seeing him makes you boil" so I gave him a great big smile and a wave, to this day he doesn't even look at me when we meet up.
I basically did the same thing with Marlin right after sentencing he kept smiling through the trial and every day after court would go back to the jail and tell everyone how good things went for him and that soon he would be walking out of there with a get out of jail free card. Well I found myself right back at that seeing red and being angry every day. So at sentencing when the deputies turned him around and cuffed him up I smiled he was looking right at us and when they walked him out of the court room right past us I looked right in his eyes and smiled.
Love ya
Jim's Mom
Wow shirley will you give me some of that strength when Timmy's trial comes up so I can smile right back at them when they get sentenced. (don't want to jinx myself here so should I say hopefully when they get sentenced?) because when the one would look at me I could feel the seething hatred glaring back at him, he kept turning around, saying this to us, or to the witnesses. I know the trial will be a nightmare. I need that because I think that is way perfect you showed him how he didn't beat you down, maybe inside but he don't need to know that, cause I want to make sure they know how much I hate them, but I don't want them to know they took my whole life and my other boys too, just for satisfaction if anything. I know so many people tell me they took Timmy from you, don't let them take another life, yours! or your boys! but they already succeeded doing that, so maybe I can fool their asses off and smile big time when that time comes too!!!! You are amazingly strong!
Good for you, with the ex too btw, since I've BTDT too :)
quickly approaching 6 years...i dont even look in the mirror anymore. i just brush my hair and start my day. the last time i looked in the mirror i yelled at myself and swore id never look into those eyes again...time goes by, day by day...i put on an empty smile only when i absolutly must. the rest of the time i guess i just exsist.
Bette
I look at it this way they don't need words or looks to know how much we hate them I mean what else could they expect from us. I do know they like to get to us with their smiles and there little comments I refused to let him see how much he got to me. And I knew he was burning up after the sentence he got and my smile just added to it. So when that time comes for you and I believe with all my heart it will you just look at them with a great big SMILE.
Love ya
Jim's Mom
When we go to court I never let them see that I hate them. When his family are situated where we have to walk by them I will walk by and make eye contact and keep going. I know they want us to feel intimidated. I won't allow them to let me feel that way because it is THEIR son who is a murderer and my child is the VICTIM. She didn't do anything to deserve him letting her die and no matter how they try to say that the truth is THEY raised a cowardly excuse of a human being. So I save my ranting for here. :) I do know they have more experience in court room sittings then we do for sure. The apple didn't fall far from the tree in this case.
