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Losing it at a concert

Jared's band concert was last week. It is the third one we have gone to since last year. Kaylin was in band one year in middle school and two in WAVE(the choir). Every concert I find myself staring at the choir and seeing her up there. She was so proud one year because she had a solo. I would hear her practicing but she sang a lot. She kept it a surprise until the concert. I was so proud of her solo. I ended up crying through the choir. It was hard not to break down in sobs and thankfully the lights were low but I had tears streaming down my face. I guess the others there could have thought me very sentimental about "FrimFram Sauce" since that was what they were singing at the time. I just saw her and heard her. I miss her so much. I hate work. I know my priorities have changed and I feel like I am wandering. I can't stay focused for long. One reason I don't come into chat any more. I can do it for about 5 minutes then need to go to something else. I hate it because I seem to flitter from one thing to another and I wasn't like that before. I went to see the Lovely Bones. I was almost obsessed with it. Not because I had to see the movie but because it presented another possibility. One of Kaylin knowing what was going on here while she was in her heaven. I always wonder now. I sometimes try to imagine what it was like for her as she slipped away. Was there a bright light? Did she float away? Did she feel any of it? I think too much I guess. Sometimes I will be somewhere and it feels like a deep moaning needs to rise up from my soul. I just want to scream as the pain hits me again from deep within. I want off this hateful roller coaster that doesn't care how long it keeps us falling.

Re: Losing it at a concert

Kim
I am so sorry things are tough for you right now I think the closer the trial gets the more these things well up inside. I know I had a hard time but then again our trial was only 6 months after Jim's murder so lots of things were still so fresh for me. I hope when Kaylin's trial is over and the POS is in prison where he belongs things will settle down for you. I know just waiting on the response for this appeal is eating at me and I have been in that valley again. I love you lady come chat with us even if for only 5 minutes maybe we can make you feel a little bit better.
Big Jim's Mom

Re: Losing it at a concert

I read that book before Timmy was killed and just loved it. I don't think I could go see it at the movies now though. But I too think and hope that there is some connection. I believe in those dimes all the time. My signs.

The other day I was so upset and hysterical going to the store. I went in and came out and it was raining but there beside my car laid a dime, I didn't see it when I went in, but it was there when I came out. Timmy telling me it's ok he is here with me all the time.

It's been a long time snce I found a dime so it meant a lot to me as things have not been going so well lately. Life has been very hard on me and my sons. So I was very happy to find that dime, a dime!!!

Re: Losing it at a concert

I watch Ghost Whisperer every Friday night(religiously)
Some of them are kinda sappy...But every single episode, I cry at the end...Brad wonders why I torture myself like that...I'm not sure...I dont think it's torture...I think I'm just hopeful, that when it was time for my Jeremy to cross over, maybe he was standing next to me when he saw that light...I dont know..There isn't much that helps me, but that show, well, it just gives me something to grasp.

Re: Losing it at a concert

Dear Kim
Focusing on one thing besides our children seems so far away.I remember going through what you were going through at my grandkids Christmas recital last year.Cenzo who is Nicky's nephew and spitting image was 4 and stood on the same stage as Nicky did at that age trying his best to belt out Christmas songs.The tears were streaming down my face.Nicky was a show stopper though and Cenzo is shy on stage.When we got the pictures back there was this big orb right above Cenzo's head on stage.I who don't believe in the para normal too much was speechless.It was comforting to think Nicky might have been there helping him with his lines.
Kaylin was guided Kim,into the next world by a legion of angels of this I am sure.Just as Daniel was thrown into the lion's den and came out unharmed,so I think our children were at their passing.And as those 3 children were thrown into the blazing furnace and the witness's saw 4 people instead of 3 because Our Lord was with them,they too didn't have a hair on their head singed.
I hope you get to feeling better soon,we are all here for you as you are for us.Love and God Bless

Re: Losing it at a concert

Julie I watch Ghost Whisperer for the same reason. A lot of times I get jealous and wish a whisperer would come tell me that Kaylin had a message. I think not getting to say goodbye is one of the hardest things. I never knew what I thought about the paranormal before but since she died I want to feel her nearby. I want to dream of her and have conversations that I can remember and hug her. Life sure has changed. It is up and down and up and down. I know that I have to change some things. I am not content with things as they were, but not sure what direction I am heading. I am looking into something that will be offered in May. I will see how that works out. I was offered the opportunity to do a satellite program for POMC Ventura County chapter. The board approved it and now they are looking for a place that will let us meet there and I will facilitate those meetings. That makes me feel like I am moving forward some. I appreciate having a place to come share my worries, fear, and rantings. I don't flit in as much but I love all of you ladies.