I just want to thank everyone who thought of my son for his b/d this past New Year's Eve. This was a very difficult time for me and my family, he would have been 18 y/o. The holidays were terrible, life has been very hard on all of us lately.

My boys are falling apart along with me. I'm so sorry I'm not here for anyone, I'm so sorry that I cannot be strong and help anyone.

So many things have been going wrong lately, this has been the worse holiday ever, I will never celebrate it again. I'm done and worn out. My boys are losing it, my oldest is really getting worse and I don't know how to help him anymore. He is so sad and depressed and it just seems like everything is going wrong in our lives nothing is going right, like there is no hope anywhere to be seen.

We are in so much pain right now, I feel like i'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I had off from work last week and it was the worse time ever. I thought I could re-coup with the boys but no nothing went right, it was just a total nightmare!!!!

I can't go on like this much longer it is getter harder and harder each day. I no longer can take anymore onto my shoulders. I feel like life is crumbling down around me and I can't do a thing about it. I try and try, but nothng works. If feels like Timmy was my glue who held my world together and without him everything is falling apart.

I just want you to all know you are in my prayers, and I'm sorry that Im never around, sometimes too late for chat and I just can't get on pc so tired. I never get to chat with anyone anymore. My moms kept me together, just please pray for me and my family. Life is getting to hard, I can't take it, I'm so sad, I am miserable. I don't like feeling like this, I hate seeing my boys life falling apart and I can't help them, I don't know what to do for them anymore no matter what I do nothing works or helps and then everything falls on me and I can't take much more.

I wish my son was back with me, I wish this nightmare never happened, I wish my boys just a bit of happiness instead of sadness, anger and tears all the time every day.

Bette
Timmy's mom

Dear Bette
I have to agree with you,this was worse than last year.I put decorations up 1 wk before Christmas and couldn't wait to tear them down.Everyone in my family is in a different direction,nothing makes sense anymore.I too am having problems with my oldest son.It's like he's hell bent on destroying himself and I won't survive losing another child.I cry all the time,I don't want to go out of the house.I am like a dead man walking.I knew when Nicky died that my life would never be the same,I just didn't realize how bad it could be.The whole family is divided.Nothing I do is helping.Nicky too was the child who always made me feel like a million bucks,and kept me sane.He was so comforting to me in times of despair.His" I Love Ya Ma" seemed to erase any heartache I was experiencing.I know you miss Timmy Bette,let's keep each other strong and make an effort to get into chat more often.I know that I haven't been in mostly because of illness and medicine but also because I have felt like I had nothing to contribute that was worthwhile.The Lord still continues to be what strength I have left.I will be praying for you and your boys Bette.When you are in your prayer mode could you slip one in for me and my family too?I love you Bette.God Bless and keep you

Bette. I am very new to these post unfortunately. I know I am not one to really offer advice but I am going to relay to you my sister's story. She also lost her son at 18 but to suicide. She had 2 younger children and 1 older. She was a single mom with no real help from the dad. Her life was falling apart. The first, second, and third years were hell. Chris, her other son, is hooked on Oxy's which we are trying to find help for. That was his coping mechanism for loosing his brother. Now he lost his best friend and cousin, my son, on Thanksgiving Eve. Have you and your family considered counseling. Your words worry me that you are also in a deep depression. You are showing all the signs. Please seek help or call. I am not sure where you live but there are organizations that can help. Is there a suicide hot line in your area. They can help and also have access to resources to help you. It stinks that we have to be the rock of the family all the time. When our children see that rock crumpling, they react and sometimes their reaction is as you describe. Your family sounds so much like my sister's and they pulled together but only with help. You can't do it alone. You shouldn't have to do it alone. Does your work have an EAP (employee assistance program)? If so, call them. They can help too. Your family will be in my prayers. Donna

Thank you Barb and Donna. Barb I know you understand so well cause of your oldest. You know where I'm going and my son is falling apart. I wish I could come on chat more often it's just late and I'm always so tired all the time, I am like a walking zombie myslef Barb I feel the same way you do, we are all in different directions I can't help anyone anymore, I'm lost.

Donna, I am so sorry for your loss. I hate coming on an seeing new moms here for such a reason, but also glad you found this site, there are so many wonderful mom's here, they have been my guiding light. I try as best as I can to give words of encouragement, but am in a bad place right now. I'm not ever going to hurt myself, I might have a breakdown, but never hurt myself I don't believe in that, I could never od that to myself I belived that I will see my son one day and to do that would make me not see him, and I could never put my family thru that. It's just that I'm at my breaking point, I can't go on like this much longer we all have that straw that breaks the camels back, mine is slowing breaking. My sons are falling apart. I wish I could give you words of comfort, only know that you are not alone. My son was 15 when he was shot, an innocent in the wrong place at the wrong time, he was my baby. He was my buddy. I miss him more than my whole being. I can't describe it, all I do is cry. Last night I cried all night as my oldest is going thru some really bad times right now, his grief coming out in bursts, and it's hard to see your boys fall apart and there is nothng you can do to help them. I cried myself to sleep, crying for my son and asking him to come see me in my dreams I want to hear his voice, I want to see that crocked smile or hear that goofy laugh he had. This was my 3rd Christmas also, my son would have been 18 this New Year's Eve, it will be 3 years in July 2010. We still have to face a trial at the end of 2010. 3 years, I still can't believe this evne happened. I know we all feel this way how could this happen, that it is just a nightmare. I wish we could all wake up from this nightmare we are in.

My thoughts and prayers to you Donna, I'm so sorry again for the loss of your son, please know we are all here for you so many great mom's, they have helped me thru many bad times.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Bette
I wish the trial was over with and these creeps were in prison, when the trial is over and they are locked up for a very looooooooong time that will be a bridge crossed on this crappy road. I am sorry for you and all the moms that have to wait so long for a trial because I know how it eats at you just wondering what will happen part of you wonders if they will get away with what they have done, or if they will just get a slap on the wrist.
My Jim was my rock too and my best friend I miss him more than words can even begin to express, his murder eats at me 24-7 I don't think it will get any easier for me. I didn't celebrate Christmas no tree nothing just didn't have it in me.
My oldest is trying to get his life together I know Jim's murder plays a part in his screw ups but he had problems long before Jimmy was murdered. I am still holding my breath but he has been clean drug free for 2 months now and is planning on going to Alaska, he has a friend that lives there who has been clean for 2 years, everyone he knows here does drugs he knows he has to stay away from all of them.
All I can do is wait and see.
Love and Hugs
Big Jim's Mom

Hey Shirley, I know what you mean about your oldest it is the same with mine, he is fighting his own demons and than has to face the depression, grief, anger, etc over his brothers death and his friend as well. it is hard for him and he is having hard time with things. I wish I could move and get him away from it all, but I can't. Maybe one day he will take the chance and go somewhere far away and get his life together. it is hard on siblings and I tried so hard to keep it together for them but I'm just run down and drained I can't keep up with it and all the burden on my shoulders anymore. Just too much.

Love ya
Bette

Dear Shirley
I am so happy your son is clean for 2 months.I hope he does go away to Alaska.They all need to go somewhere where they are away from people places and things that haunt them and entice them.My son also had problems before Nicky died but his murder just made things worse and gave him an excuse to sink lower.I'll be praying for you and him that he succeeds.Love and God bless