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I blew up at my daughter and they left!

Some of you know of the issues I have been having with my daughter and her two kids and boyfriend living with me. She yelled at me first thing this morning and I lost it. I said things that needed to be said but probably not the way I said them and long story short, they left...she called her ex husbands mommy to come and get them and she won't talk to me and told my son that she doesnt' want anything to do with me any more. I have been crying all night.
All I wanted was for my family to be with me for christmas because it will be so hard on me this year. She is so wrapped up in herself and being pregnant that she has been inconsiderate. She doesn't clean up after her kids or herself. I have sent her money every month since Jeremy was murdered, trying to help her out and her freaking boyfriend said the only reason I helped them was to make myself look good.
How dare he! I am so ****** and upset right now that I can't see straight and despite it all I sucked it up and told my son to tell her I'm sorry and want them to come back and she refuses to have anything to do with me. Can someone please tell me where I went wrong?

Re: I blew up at my daughter and they left!

Why would you think you went wrong by wanting your daughter to show some responsibility. My oldest lives with me off and on I have told him like it is this is my house, these are my rules. Dude it's my way or the highway. I got enough stress in my life I am not going to clean up after a grown up. He does what momma tells him to do. And I don't fall for the guilt trip.
Hang in there Girl
Love and Hugs
Big Jim's Mom

Re: I blew up at my daughter and they left!

Alisa. How old is you daughter? I can feel how frustrated you are. Kaylin and I had a love hate relationship. (I loved her and sometimes she hated me. :) ) She was staying at home before she died but she left after she graduated high school at 17. Tough love is, well, tough. Right now,you are all grieving, but it seems like your needs are being pushed aside. You didn't go wrong. You are expecting her to be responsible. I know it hurts and is hard. I hated every time Kaylin would leave. I would tell her that it was my house and if she didn't like my rules that she didn't have to live there. Of course I wanted her to stay, but SHE made the decision to leave at those times. I told her that I would ALWAYS be there for her when SHE decided that she could live by our rules (which were not hard btw). I hate that we lost some time, especially now, but I would do the same thing again because I was trying to teach her responsibility for her actions. Letting them walk all over us and treat us badly is not making them a better person. I bet she is just mad and doesn't mean it. I heard a few times that Kay hated me and never wanted to see me again, and it cut me to the quick, but she would come around. I am thankful that she was home and we were in an ok place when she died, but we went through some very hard times. If you are looking for suggestions then I would suggest telling her calmly, that you love her and want her to live with you, but there are rules, (cleaning up after herself and her kids) and that if that doesn't work for her then she will have to make other arrangements. I bet it will shock her. It sounds like she is trying to manipulate you. I know manipulation, I lived with a master of it for a long time. :) If you are not looking for suggestions and just want to vent then ignore what I said and just vent away. There is an eye opening for us that many don't have. We know how quickly we can lose someone and just want to make the most with our other children. We still have to be treated with respect though. I sure do wish I could just tell you what the magic answer is to the situation, but I don't have that answer. I do know that I will keep ya'll in my thoughts and that I love you.

Re: I blew up at my daughter and they left!

I know you are right Kim. I just want her to straighten up and take responsibility for herself and her kids. I also know that my daughter and I have that love/hate thing going on too. She has never, not once in her life said thank you mon for helping me. She acts like I owe it to her. She knows how hard of a time I am having dealing with Jeremy's murder and still can manage to make me feel like I am the bad person. I completely understand what you are saying and I know I did the right thing but that doesnt' make it any easier for me. No matter how hard I try I am always the one who ends up feeling bad and apologizing and she never does. She is manipulative to the core and it hurts that she doesn't care any more about me than to treat me like crap.
On top of everything else, my mom called this morning to let me know that my cousin died at 1 a.m. this morning. He found out two months ago that he had lung cancer. I'm just overwhelmed right now and feel like she should be here for me. The sad truth is that she never is.

Re: I blew up at my daughter and they left!

Alisa I wish I could give you a hug right now. Sounds like you really need one. {{HUUUUUUGGGGG}} I am so sorry about your cousin. My mom used to tell me that one day Kaylin would come around and appreciate me. I believe that. I think it will happen for you and your daughter too. I have to admit, I didn't give my mom all the drama, but we had our rough times too and she ended up being my best friend. As her kids grow and she has to deal with things with them she will come to appreciate all you do for her. Sadly it seems to take a long time to get. I know that as Kaylin got older I grew a deep appreciation for my mom. I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time with her right now. I also know that it is hard. Very hard. I used to think, why doesn't she see how much I love her and would do for her? I think they do see it, they just don't always acknowledge it. I told Kaylin I was making a list so I could get even with her when I got old. You want to hear a weird thing? I even had a deep sadness that I wouldn't get to act out my list. :) Hang in there. Being a mom is hard. :) Your doing a good job. Don't forget that. You need to take care of yourself too. (Easier said then done huh? :) ) If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. Sometimes just talking about it helps to get it out. Lord knows that is why I talk to myself so much. So I can get it out. not cause I am crazy. :) Love you.