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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)
My lifes sucks anymore and it's not getting any better. Everything is falling apart. Life is not kind to me right now and with the holidays and missing Timmy so much each day I can barely function anymore. I'm having major problems with my boys,please pray for them. I don't know what more to do. I'm so sad and upset and scared and lost, how can this keep continuing??? I try and do the right thing all the time, I'm not a bad person, I try and do good things and I do everything for my boys. Everything. Sometimes I can't even get upset about Timmy in front of them because I'm wondering if My downward spiral is making them go downwards too? Can that be? I tell them all the time they are young they can lead good lives if they put their minds to it, but then zippo!!!!!! I feel like screaming, if your brother had a chance to live life all over again he would live it to the fullest and you are going down the wrong path to destruction, he would not want to see this, he would be so upset!!! Just please pray for me and my family it's all I can ask for anymore, because I just don't know what to do or where to turn.
Hello Bette. Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. It's rough out here for men, especially young men, so try to take it easy on them. I knew how hard my son had it, watched all of what he went through, but was there for him every step of the way. I did not protect him from the **** he thought were his friends...I should have done everything in my power to convince him that they were no good, that they were NOTHING like he was-they should have never been allowed to even be around him...
I know how hard it is, so just be there for them. It is especially hard on your son that saw Timmy lying there shot, believe me, I KNOW exactly what that is like, and I would not wish it on ANYONE!
Love to your sons' and you Bette,
Thanks Diane, I try so hard to be strong for them, I always encourage, I try and get them to open up. I doe vertyhing I can to make them happy and live good lives. But they never stop to think of the pain I'm in, I'm selfish I was called by my oldest son. All I do is think of myself. How dare they!!! I do everything for them, I have no life! I know it's hard on him the most because of what he's been thru, but my middle son, I try so hard to get him to up and he doesn't I asked him if he wanted to go to therapy bt he doesn't. Then he does stupid things and I'm the one who has to pay for it!!! I'm the one who backs them up all the time and am there for them no matter what, even with all the pain I am going thru I try and make things the best I can for them. I can't do it anymore. I'm beyond repair. I cannot take on everything, I need their help and support too, and I get nothing but heartache. Too much going on right now and I'm just venting. Just say some prayers for us that we get thru this terrible time, especialy with the holidays. It's so heartbreaking!
I am sorry things are going so crappy for you. I found that tough love does help it isn't easy to do but in the long run it seems to work better than banging your head against the wall. That is what I had to do with my oldest things have gotten much better between he and I it took time though.
Love ya and am here for ya
Big Jim's mom
Bette, you can and will do it just like you have been doing all this time. Sending love and prayers your way for your sons and you too. A mother/son bond is like no other, all boys are crazy about their mothers even though they don't show it, especially at a certain age. My son and I were very close like all mothers and sons are, but he said stuff like that to me all the time too, but I know in my heart he never meant one cruel word that he ever said. And, yeah, boys do stupid stuff all the time, it is what it is, I guess we're all guilty of that at times. Keep doing what you've been doing, being their mother who backs them up no matter what and watch them grow up to be good men. OMG how sad, I wish my Gerrick and your Timmy had a chance to grow into men...
Bette, I hate it that you are having such a hard time having to deal with issues with your boys on top of everything else. You are not selfish , you are grieving and that is someting that you can't help. I know what it's like to be in that terrible place. I've been there and am there now with the holidays coming up. With Thanksgiving approaching I am leaning more and more towards staying home, but we'll see. I am senhding much love your way and hoping you get through this very hard time. Do u go to therapy? I do and if nothing else it is a place to vent and cry. I always look foward to my appointments. I agree with Shirley about the tough love even though it can be hard especially at a time like this. Love ya
Believe me I've been trying the tough love but it seems to me nothing sinks in, no matter how hard I try it seems like they don't see thru the pain and anguish I live in and then to have to deal with stupid stuff and thins that make my life spiral down further. I try and try to no avail. i tell them I am always here for them but there is just so much I can do, it is up to them to try and make the best life they can even with all they've been thru. Some days I don't even know how I get out of bed and go to work yet I do, and to see them not even try to help themselves or me makes me sadder. Matt was crying about Timmy this morning and it breaks my heart, even with all the crap I've been handed I still can't bear to see them fall apart. Even when they do stupid things I only want the best and to think they don't see that hurts me more as I hurt so bad without Timmy and I know they do to, but I'm there for them, always. Just life has been so cruel to all of us lately and it's making life more unbearable than it already is.
Thanks for all the good thoughs and prayers.
Being men this may be how they are showing their grief through the holidays and the approach of Timmy's birthday. Men react aggressively to grief because our society says they are weak if they cry. If this has been getting worse recently it may be what is going on.
You are not selfish. Mom's have to keep going when we can't. I sometimes wonder where we get the strength to get up and for me, I know it is my son. I keep going for him because if he were not here I would just lay down and die. They are hurting too and don't know how to deal with it. It is like a thing I read in The Worst Loss, (paraphrasing....you are all on your own life raft and you see each others pain , but each ones pain is so great that they can't paddle over to help the others) I hope that made sense. It does in the book. Hang in there Lady and vent all you want here.