As the holidays approach I find myself dreading them.I have been invited to my nephews and once again if I go I will see my sister's there with their children and me with none. Keara used to come to all the holiday celebrations and now she is no longer here and my other children live too far away. I am also so broke that I can't afford to buy my children or grandchildren any gifts this year. With all of that and the physical problems I am just feeling so hopeless and depressed. Haven't even manged to get into chat lately cause my back hurts so much. Just venting.
Been giving this some thought I am going to ignore Thanksgiving I am going to treat it like just another day. And with a lousy as I have been feeling all of the Thanksgiving food is the last thing on my mind. :)
But I do refuse to ruin the day for the rest of my family so I will put on my happy face and do my best.
I have the rest of my children nearby for a change. So I will do my best to get through it with them all here and the grandkids as well. Also, Caleb's birthday is the 30th of this month so I have to do his birthday party as well. I'm glad my daughter is here to help me with it all this year. I have a feeling that they will move back to Georgia when they can afford to. Her boyfriend has two small children there, besides the one they are expecting in January.
Christmas is the one that is going to be tough on me. Last christmas was the last time I got to see my Jeremy. I know that all of those memories are going to come flooding back and I don't know if I will make it through christmas. I really don't.
I can't even tell you how awful I've been feeling and just wracked with sobs half the time. I'm totally miserable, I hide in my room at night watching tv. I don't want to do the holidays but I do it for my boys. I don't look forward to Christmas my joy is gone. I also am having hard time making ends meet and worry about not giving my boys a nice Christmas. I wonder how so much bad things always keep happening, never giving us a chance to try and build ourselves up, not that most of the time would could, but we don't even get the chance. It's contant, and the pain of losing Timmy is overbearing anymore now with the holidays, today is Friday the 13th, 28 months exactly today on a Friday the 13th. And his b/d coming he would have been 18, 18!!!!!! Oh I'm not one good to talk to today!
People tell me that I should enjoy the family that I do have and try to make the best of it. I do try but the fact is that the hole that is left in my heart by Keara's murder is like a giant open wound. At the holidays I feel it even more when people around me are laughing and having a good time, when nobody mentions Keara's name as though she never existed. Sometimes I get so tired of the struggle of acting like I am Ok when my heart is just so broken.
I know what you mean Darien. I was just sitting in my room earlier, and stewing.....thinking.....why is it that no one mentions Jeremy in this house except me and his children? My other kids have not mentioned him at all.........it really ****** me off.
I sit in my room and cry because he is gone.....and outside of my room, it's like nothing ever happened. I just don't understand it. I don't know if it is their way of dealing with it or what but I hate it.....it's driving me insane
Bette, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Life seems to have dealt us blows that are so overwhelming. Sometimes I just feel like I can't deal with anymore. I so want to be OK again but as time goes by I feel discouraged from that ever happening. I have thought about giving thanks on Thanksgiving for the time I had with her and see if the rest of my family says ANYTHING. But another part of me just wants to stay home. I would just like to hibernate til the holidays are over!! I am sorry Alisa that nobody mentions Jeremy's name either. I have tried to talk to my family about that and it just doesn't seem to work so I have given up. Please know that I will be thinking of him and all our angels.
Darien, I sorry your feeling so bad, but your not alone I have been meaning to call you but not only have I been dreading the holidays I went back to work Monday. What a joke I'm supposed to be co-teaching and all I do is sit there in a daze waiting for the last bell so I can get the hell out of there. My daughter has to work on Thanksgiving and a friend has invited us to her house with all her family coming from New Orleans. I hope she explains to them what I'm going through because it feels like I have completely lost my **** mind. And on top of that those ******* forgot to do there job down at the county office and I didn't get a paycheck so here I am once again owing everybody and I don't give a ****. I am so broke I can't buy my grandchildren anything this year either. Maybe I'll buy them a tree hopefully we'll have a house to put it in. But I'm not going to worry about something I have no control over. Luv you and thinking about you and all the other mothers and you all are in my prayers.
Audrey, It was so good to hear from you. I have been worried cause the number I have for you doesn't work anymore. Can u send me your new number? I am sorry you are having such a hard time also. This really doesn't seem to get easier. I hope you might try to come into chat again. We all miss you.
I was glad to see some of you in chat last night. I hope you will continue to come in and others will join us. Where did you go last nite Mary?
It is nice to see more moms come into chat even if for only a few minutes. I can't promise to be there every night but I will try, I usually go in around 5 west coast time if no one is there I keep checking in about every 1/2 hour.
Love to you all
Audrey I am not even planning on putting up a tree this year since my granddaughter's nutty mother decided I can't see her any more there is no reason to put up a Christmas tree. I don't have a lot of money this year so I am making gifts for everyone. Christmas is especially hard for me 'cause my Jim was murdered on the 16th of December but I know I will get through this year because I have all the support of my sista moms my best friends. And I have a very loving supportive family.
Love and Hugs
Big Jim's Mom
She won't let you see your grand baby? What a witch. She is a living link to him. I hope that it is only temporary. This time of year makes me so anxious. I am back in therapy so hope it helps. I want my old life back. I want to remember this so I don't take it for granted again but I want my old life back. :(
Kim I want my old life back to but I don't know if it is possible. I think we atre forever changed. I just hope that someday I can feel some semblance of happiness again. Being sad all the time is so hard. I used to enjoy life and now it seems to be a struggle to get through the days. I go to therapy and it does seem to help. I would probably be even crazier without it.