Well I'm sure you all know how it is not to sleep anymore, I actually don't really sleep. I toss & turn all night and wake up every hour seems like looking at the clock to see what time it is and how much more tossing I get to do. But the dreams I get lately have been awful. Some I remember others I think when it wakes me up that's weird but then don't remember when morning comes around. the dreams I have of Timmy are far and few between. Some I know he is in them but don't remember the dream at all, just that he was in it, he never talks to me. Last night I had another bad night, I dreamt that Timmy came home and I was so excited and I said to him where have you been you've been gone 3 months (don't ask where I got the 3 months at) everyone thought you were dead, I'm so glad you came home and I hugged him and kept asking him where he was of course he didn't answer me and then I woke up and was so heartbroken that I realized it was a dream that he came home and that he wasn't. I hate this, I hate how I feel every day and know that it won't change. I hate how life was taking from me and my boys and those guys who did this get to see their family and hug their kids. I hate it!!!!!!!! Sometimes I thing God hates me because life has become just so difficutl to bear anymore. I wake up each day and think great here goes another one, what will go wrong now and of course timmy is the first person I think of and the last when I go to bed. all day he is on my mind all day I think how am I going to get thru this life knowing I'll never see him, touch him, hug him or anything AGAIN. It's just to painful and I'm so always tired and I take meds to help me sleep too! I wish I could find some joy somewhere cause I know he'd hate to see me so unhappy but I just can't seem to find any.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I have come to the realization that for the rest of my life My Jimmy will be the first thought of the day and the last thought every night. I just hope that one morning I can wake up and smile at the good memories instead of tearing up at the thought of his murder. I decided to get off the meds all they do is give me a false sence of calm I walk around in a stuper all the time. Phyiscally I do feel better mentally no it is harder but I feel like I am dealing with reality now instead of trying to cover it up. Even on the meds I was depressed but it is time to take my life back that POS took My Jimmy but he will never take another thing from me.
There did I cheer ya up? :)
I love ya and will be here for you now and forever.
Big Jim's Mom
After dealing with Keara's death for three and a half years I realize that this is spmething that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I hope like Shirley that someday I can smile at the memories and not cry because of her death but that time has not come. I understand how you feel because I feel the same way. I wish I had some answers but I don't. All I have been able to do is put one foot in front of the other which is exhausting. Just know that we are all here for you and do understand. Love ya.
Thank you guys. It's so hard I cried all weekend. Doesn't help that I'm pms'ing AGAIN :) But really I just don't think that this pain goes away why do I always hear that it will? I can't imagine I feel like it's just now deep inside me like a thorn you can't get out, it will be there forever, the deep gut wrenching pain, every day. And not sleeping or having these dreams and dealing with other things I shouldn't be dealing with just makes life so much harder. I cried in the car so hard last night I almost had to pull over, I came home and sat here and watched my video of him I made and cried and cried. All we have our pictures I want him to walk in the door and hug me!!!! I had one of his friends over Fri night she so sweet telling me all these stories and it helped me so much just listening to the things and how they met and how close they were and of course that night and how it affected her too. I told her thank you for letting me know how much you loved him, it makes me cry but it also makes me feel good knowing how much he was loved. I don't know how you learn to live with the pain we live in, it's slowing eating me away.
I'm glad I know you mom's because I have no one else who understands.
BETTY YOU KNOW WE ALL GO THRU THIS BUT WE HAVE TO TAKE OUR LIFE BACK. WHAT GOT ME THRU IS MUSIC AND TO LET GOD IN MY HEART LIKE I HAVE NEVER BEFORE HE WILL LET THAT LIGHT SHINE AGAIN.IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY THE PAIN WE NOW HAVE. I STILL CRY FOR HUBERT BUT NOT EVERDAY I JUST THINK OF ALL THE KIDS AND ADULTS WHO STILL TALKS ABOUT HIM THAY STILL HURT TOO I AM SENDING YOU A BIG HUG /AND ALL MY PRAYERS JOANN HUBERT MOM.