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I need help

Is anyone in this group married to someone other than your child's father?

My husband is struggling with my pain and doesn't know what to do..I don't know what I need from him.

He is/was my son's step father. We are on two different pages..understandably my grief is by far worse than his.

Re: I need help

Hello Johneen,

I am in your situation. My Samuel was from a previous relationship. I met my husband when Samuel was about 9, and when Samuel and his brother were about 11 and 12 they were living with their Dad, so it wasn’t like my husband raised them. As my older boys got older, they got closer, but of course it is not the same. My husband misses Samuel, but like you said, his pain is not what my pain is. After Samuel died my husband wasn’t sure what to do for me. I was in bed for 3 days straight. He would come and check on me, but was at a loss of what to say or do. We finally sat down and talked. He let me know he loved me, but he wasn’t sure what he should do to help me…should he leave me alone to cry, come and hold me, what? I wasn’t sure at the time either what I needed. But I’ve come to realize that sometimes I do just want him to hold me, let me cry, let me talk about Samuel, and he just be there. It’s hard for all of us, but I’m sure that your husband loves you and just might need you to tell him what you need from him. He may be struggling like my husband was.

Sending you lots of hugs
Isaida – Samuel’s mom

Re: I need help

Thank you for your advice. Sometimes I tend to push those who are closest to me away so I can suck up all the pain and not inflict it onto others.

I am a strong woman and have been able to handle alot of bad situations but this, this has knocked me on my butt. Sometiems I think I'm almost "mad" at myself because I can't live my everyday life. I haven't been able to work since that awful day...and I see a therapist instead.

I'm going to try..thanks again for your help. I know Bill loves me and I'm confusing him.

Re: I need help

well it's not really the same but I had a b/f of 10 years who wound up abandoning all of us. we do still talk once in a while here and there but this evil act ruined my whole life and we could not help each other. their dad, well you'd think he'd call my other boys just to see how they were doing, nope, not once has he. They call their pop and talk to him, no one in their dad's family even talks to us, there were some huge problems with support and how we got blacklisted after Timmy died I don't know if I can ever be the same with any of them really. My boys don't even get invited to the Christmas Eve gathering we went to every year since before they were born!!! Not even an invite to a family BBQ, nothing! It makes me sick, I odn't care if I don't get invited but don't do that to my boys. they needed their family more than anything and they weren't there for them, Thank God for my sister and my nieces and nephews and friends and neighbors. But I know my oldest still is hurt by it, my middle guy well I know he is hurt but he trys and shrugs it off like it don't bother him but I know it does.

You need that person to be there for you and I hope it continues to be that way for you, I have no words of wisdom just wanted to share my nightmare story. We have lost a lot of people because my son was murdered.

Re: I need help

My husband is Kaylin's "step dad" but he was her real dad in every way. When she hated the rest of us she still would talk to him. He is non judgmental and a good listener. I am a good talker so we make a perfect match. ;) Kaylin was getting ready to have him adopt her so she would have his last name. She died before that happened. I do believe that our grief is different but I know he grieves deeply. We talk but we also give each other space. We made it a rule that we would not expect the other to be a mind reader. If we couldn't talk about it then we would just say, :I need a moment to myself" It would be respected. If I need to talk to him or he to me then we tell each other. I am kind of private when I hurt but this is so different. I had to reach out or die. I couldn't fix this and the pain is so bad that I had to find people who knew how bad it was. With the "rest of the world" I put on my people face and appear normal (ok, for some of you, as normal as I can be) Doug has his own support as well so we rely on each other but not totally. We heard early on that if we did that then we might not make it. Some marriages end in divorce after the death of a child because there is a failure to realize that we grieve differently and to respect that. The sperm donor just doesn't care. He couldn't be bothered and never asks about anything and has said he will not come to the trial.

Re: I need help

My husband was Monica's Daddy not her biological father but her Daddy he raised her from age 6. We had to early on understand that each of us grieved differently. There were times when I wondered if our marriage would hold up because of how I percieved his way of grieving. My husband needs to hold things in and I need to let them out so there were some times. And my three sons also hold things in so I really felt alone but once I got involved in a project that helped other women like Monica things got easier. I had an outlet and he could hold things in. I have seen the tears in his eyes when we look at her babies and see their Mom. But he will say I don't want to talk about it. It is hard through our grief to know how others are feeling. It has been 6 years since Monica's Murder and my husband and I are still going strong we do have our times but I was determined NOT to let the animal who took my Daughter take EVERYTHING. Please look to the MOMS for guidence and understanding because there is not true understanding that can come from anyone other than another MOM. Sending you love and prayers.

Cindy Monica's Mom

Re: I need help

If you can get it. Read The Worst Loss. It was helpful for us because it let us see how the other grieved and that it was just the difference in men and women basically. It helped a lot.

Re: I need help

I have it but haven't read it. I read "The Shack" and it helped.

Re: I need help

I read The Shack also, in fact I read it twice. It really helped me in alot of ways.