I haven't been for a while now. Things at home getting crazy my oldest is having hard time of things and seems to take it all out on me. I've been going thru some emotional roller-coaster rides lately. Had such weird dreams last night Timmy was little and he was with his mom-mom (my ex MIL) and he was like in a big tub or pool or something and he had my blow dryer and my blue tooth and I was trying to tell him that he couldn't do that, and he kept telling me there were new rules and regulations (never talks in my dreams) but he was really little, like 5 y/o and I was kneeling down and he was standing over me and I said come down here with me so I can talk to you and he said new rules and regulations again and I said yes I know that but you can't take mommy's things in the water they will get broken. Freaking weird. I cried all morning this morning, I just can't get past this pain in my heart, it hits me so hard sometimes, like it knocks the breath out of me and with all the stuff going on besides this awful heartache I feel like I'm not going to make it thru it. I cried and cried last night asking him to tell me if he was ok, that it wasn't fair, that I feel like my life stopped when he was killed, a piece of my heart is missing and the only reason it keeps beating is for my other 2 boys. So maybe in my weird jumbled up brain of mine he was telling me he was ok, his mom-mom was watching him and he was playing in the pool having fun??? but he was little, not 15, like 5 y/o in my dream, I want to see him like he was, I want him to talk to me and tell me he is ok, I want to know he is ok, ok I've got to stop I'm crying again. and at work doesn't help any. My eyes are all swollen and stuff.

"SENDING YOU HUGS AND PRAYERS"....HANG IN THERE BETTY THIS LIFE SUCKS AND SOMEDAYS ARE HARDER THAN OTHERS...LOVE YA

Oh Bette, now I'm crying to.. I hurt for you, for me, for all of us..This road is rough and tangled.. There's just no easy way through it..I've been having a weird dream to..Me and my mom,gramma and grandpa are sitting at the kitchen table in my grammas house, just chit chating,,in comes Jeremy running and grabs me up and is hugging me,,,and the others are laughing happily,,,then my gramma says "he's been so excited, he knew you were on your way, we just didnt know exactly when you would get here" And then I wake up..Is that weird or what? I'm praying for you Bette...I know it's hard, but just remember that you're not alone..We are all here for you..Love and hugs to you my dear friend

OH I AM SOOOOOOOOO SORRY,I FEEL YOUR PAIN,MY OLDEST NOW IS SO BITTER,I DREAM ALOT ABOUT TONY I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!HANG IN THERE YOU ARE NOT ALONE,I WISH I COULD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY,HUG'S!!

Bette, I know I know I know... hang in there sweetie, my thoughts are with you. I'm not even sure this post will go through, I'm at a different computer so maybe? Love to you and your baby angel always.

Thank you mom's for all the special words, I wish they were magical words to make me feel better, yet I still feel awful. I feel like my world has just gone and fell apart. but I do love each & everyone of you and pray for you all each night (when I can) some days I can't even do that because I just lay there and cry.

Bette
This entire thing just sucks, I know how you feel wanting to know if Timmy is ok I wonder the same about Jimmy. Our kids weren't ready to die they had so much more life to live and this just isn't fair. I still wake up every morning Jimmy is still the first thought I have. I worry that I will forget his face and that crazy smile, the way he would laugh and I worry I will forget his voice. My heart goes out to you and I keep you and all the moms in my heart every day.
Love "N" Hugs
Jimmy's Mom

Bette,
We are sorry and know the only thing we can say is that we are hear to listen and talk whenever you need to vent or share what you are going through. Even though I have always thought of Lisa every second of every day now as time goes on it almost seems as though her death is haunting me with so many things. She is not haunting me but just everything that goes with it. I don't even think my mind shuts down when I go to bed. One last not I was pulling a pair of shorts out of the dryer and yes indeed a dime flew out of nowhere. They are around us I do believe that. Luv ya...Laura & AV

Yes it seems like all my brain thoughts circle Timmy 24/7. It doesn't matter where I'm at or what I'm doing, I could be driving and I'd see a boy on a bike and I'd think that should be Timmy or boy he looks like Timmy, or I'd see a bunch of kids walking and laughing and I'd think he should be there with them having fun, I go to bed crying most nights because I can't stand the thought that tomorrow when I wake up it's a nother day without him. My heart died that day. Nothing seems to make it any better. And it seems like life just gets harder and harder.

One last thought too, as I do believe in signs and I look for them everywhere. I have a friend who lost her daughter, she went to the POMC conference, she called me up to tell me at the reception or whatever they were doing, all the chairs had memorial cards placed on the seats, and who do you think she got? Yes it was Timmy's, out of all the people there, she got his card! But see, this saddens me to think I get a lift in my spirit knowing he is out there showing me signs or sending me dimes when I just want him home with me, to poke me in the arm like he used to do, I worry too that I'll forget his face or his voice or his laughter. I strain to remember it every day. I listen in my brain to memories and of him speakng to me and how he'd laught that silly laugh he had. This is just to painful to bare anymore.

Thank you all for responding I know I make no sense but I feel just awful. It's good to be able to come and talk because most people I know I don't say what I say here because they will never understand, they may think or try, but deep down, they don't.

Love to all
Bette

Bette, I know just how you feel. Even after over three years now I still have those times.That is why I chat with Moms and I started a support group and I went to the POMC conference, and I take meds. All of those things help but it doesn't take the pain away. I think unfortunately this is part of this process and it just sucks and is so unfair. I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish there was something I could do to help. Please kinow how much we all care about you. Love ya, Darien

It is 4 yrs 2 months 10 days for me and I still relive the nightmare that my son is not here with his loving family. Each day is painful, each Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday that he is not here to share hurts.
Darien thank you so much for reaching out to me, it was just nice to talk to someone who truly understands this awful pain.
Bette, I don't mean to say my entire life is full of doom and gloom, just that the longing never stops and I don't think it ever will.
I have an aunt who has now lost 3 children, one to murder, one to drugs and one to cancer. She is 80 yrs old now and taking care of her husband who had a stroke. I look to her when I think I can't go on and she gives me strength.
They are doing weekly articles in my local paper regarding cold cases and I think Joshua will be featured today. Also they got state funding to put cold case victims photos on playing cards and Joshua will be part of that as well. I don't expect alot from all this, but at least it keeps his murder on his killers mind when all the talk starts again. Funny someone mentioned dimes and I have been finding alot of them lately, used to be pennies. I too yearn for dreams of my son, but they seldom come, or I don't remember them anyway.


www.gazette.com
is the link for the article, it hasn't posted yet, but they seem to post them late in the afternoon.

luv 2 all
Kay

Well the dimes I should say started with my sister years ago she kept finding them and kept saying they were from my mom, always in the strangest places. I was of course skeptical. then my baby was killed and I started finding dimes, found 2 behind the cat liter box and no one touches that besides me! Maybe we are spreading the word to our angels about the dimes so now everyone's going to start finding them. In my heart it is a sign. thank you for the kind words and I don't think the pain will ever go away, I can't say I'll learn how to live with it because I can't seem to be able to right now. I know many mom's have lost their babies longer then I have, and some sooner, and we are all in different places maybe, but we are bound together by our angels. I relive the nightmare every day nd night and I cry all the time. Life was hard raising 3 boys by myself, but now, well I'd take it all back in a nano second if it brought my baby back. I will check out the gazette later on hope to see the article and hope that this will bring out more light for your sons' case.

Thank you all for letting me be me, most of the time I hide myself from the world.

Bette
Timmy's mom

I missed it about the dimes! I found one 2 days ago in my laundry basket while folding towels. I am in full blown avoidance mode right now and I feel guilty about it but if I let reality in, I feel I will lose it. I will now be on the watch for dimes

Dimes and penneys for a long time my little sister and her husband kept finding 11 cents always 1 dime and 1 penny. That would be my Jim, I found a $100 dollar bill on the sidewalk by my house now if he would keep that up I wouldn't have to worry about finding a new job.
Love "N" Hugs
Shirley

Bette,
this week featured another cold case, I guess Josh will be featured next week. The detective who called wanted me to send him a pic right away so that it why I thought they would post it then. Just wanted to add that the funny thing about the dimes is that I was fussing about having to buy my granddaughters uniforms with no help from her mom or other grandma and then I started finding dimes all over the house. I think Joshua was trying to help. Thats the kind of thing he liked to do. I just pick them up and smile.
ps
you are living with/through the pain right now, I think you are stronger than you know. Our angels lift us up on their wings................Believe It!
luv to all
Kay

Yes Jill I do believe once the word spreads the dimes start popping up in the weirdest places. That's what happened to me.

Shirley yeah you are way to funny, I'd like to find me a $100 bill one day! The most I ever found was $60 at a Modell's once with Timmy, years back, we were shopping for school clothes and there right at the front was 3 $20 bills just laying there, we both went for it and he knocked me flat on my behind! and he was saying that's mine, and I still gt a hold of it first, I'm like sittin on the floor with the 3 $20 in my hand, like nope it's mine! LOL but I bought him extra of course.

Kay you'll have to post the link when it gets published so we can read it. Don't you hate when you think there will be something and then it doesn't come out, it's very disappointing.

Thanks for all the kind words everyone. I'm just trying to get by these days, life is so hard without our angels, and on top of everything else that seems to go wrong anymore, you just feel like giving up. That's how I feel right now, just give up!

Hey Bette,
I do know there are days when I have to drag myself by the collar to get to where I need to go. I often say 'If not for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all". Every day brings a new challenge that just drains me to the core. I look back over my life and think what has changed, it was challenging from day one when I divorced my ex and raised 3 kids by myself and NOTHING has changed. I only had myself to count on for everything or else it did not happen or get done. I think the thing that keeps me going now is pure stubborness. I am too stubborn to let the killer have taken my oldest son and then to let the grief kill me too. I cannot allow this murderer to kill two birds with one stone. (So to speak). I know it is the toughest challenge ever to face a new day without your child to share it with, but think they would not want you to give up and we are their voices now. Hoping all have a peace filled weekend!

Kay we have a lot in commone I've said that same line so many times it's become my "motto" "if not for bad luck I'd have no luck", my friends tell me I have a little black cloud that just follows me everywhere. I also raised 3 boys on my own, I was 7 months preg with Timmy when I separated from my ex. It was very hard, life has been very hard, and now it just is harder. But I'd take it all back in instant to have my Timmy back. I worked full time too, taking them back and forth to daycare and school and aftercare and God knows! I used to think as they got older it'd get easier, now I know I was just fooling myself. I don't know either how any of us get up each morning and face another day, but we do, God knows we do!

i know this too well sending my hugs your way joann hubert mom.

Dear Bette
I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time of it.We all understand this too well.I have had 4 dreams of Nicky since he died.Two were when he was little about 5 also and the other 2 were when he was older.He said nothing but looked mad in the dreams.When me and my son Jimmy were talking about it the other day Jimmy said mom you know why Nicky was mad in the dreams? I said no, because he is dead? And Jimmy said no mom it's because you are always crying and he is mad at you because he doesn't want you to be sad all the time.He's happy and you are sad.That's not how he wants it to be.Since we know little about dreams,I thought that makes sense somewhat.I have found out in the past year and a half that life's problems don't go away they remain even though nothing could be as heartbreaking as the loss of a child except the loss of another one.We are still left to deal with everday problems.I somehow feel better equipped to handle anything that comes my way now because I have been through the worst of the worst.That doesn't mean I am not stressed out over them but just a little better able to make decisions about what to do.Of course prayer is always my first choice.You are a very strong lady Bette Clark and I am here to tell you carry on and fight the good fight you are doing better than you think,I know, I see it in you.Many ,Many hugs to you.Love and God Bless

Thanks guys again I appreciate it. Barb, I do believe so many things that I've come across as some kind of sign, finding dimes, etc. I've had dreams of Timmy not many the few he was very little, he does not talk to me, the last one I had he only a few words in his tiny 6 y/o voice "there are new rules and regulations" don't know what that means, but I think sometimes our dreams might not be what they are meant to be. I don't believe that Nicky is mad at you for being sad and crying. Maybe he looks mad because he wants to hold you and hug you to stop your pain. I don't think he'd be mad but sad that you are sad, I try not being sad but its the way it is for me now. I feel like I died the day my son was killed and nothing will ever stop me from feeling that way. So don't think Nicky is mad at you the closeness you have with your son do you really think he'd be mad that your sad???? I don't think so, but like I said sometimes our brains interpret our dreams differently like why would Timmy said new rules and regulations??? I have no idea, but I was happy that I dreamt of him and heard his voice, I woke up feeling strane from it but would like to dream of him as he is when he left me, at 15. I only had 2 dreams like that. And thanks for thinking I'm strong, I fake it well. I am just so tried of how everything seems to be going awful and I feel awful and I'm tired and I'm sick of all the bad things happening not only to me but to others like here getting no justice, it makes me want to scream.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom