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Debbie Wiley – MOMS Founder 

 

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Setbacks

Today I got the mail and there was something for Kaylin in it. Seeing her name on the mail caught me off guard and I have to admit it had me reeling. I held it and stared at her name for awhile and went into my room and bawled for awhile. The last few days have been so much harder then usual. I know some of you are having harder times right now too. I talked with my Daddy tonight and I just asked him, "When does it ever stop hurting?" I just miss her so much. I feel restless because I want her back so bad and no matter how much I want it, or how good I am, or how much I save, or how much I plan I can never have her back. I just really miss her with all my heart and the last few days have been harder to get through. Usually I feel like I am on a roller coaster, Up and down, up and down, but for the last several days I just feel the weight of it. There isn't really an up right now. I try so hard not to cry around people and to save that for times I am alone so I don't feel like I make others uncomfortable and I can't even do that anymore. I just needed to vent a little bit. I love you all and I am so glad that I have MOMS and all of you. I know that I can come here and write all this and you all know exactly what I mean.

Re: Setbacks

Kim
I too have been feeling that way so far down that the fire's of hell were burning my butt. I have come back up and am feeling better now but for a couple of weeks I just didn't know if I would get better. Hang in there kiddo with court coming up for you it is going to be harder right now.
Love "N" Hugs
Big Jim's Mom

Re: Setbacks

I got mail for Jim that day too it really sucks. Thought I had all of that covered but guess I need to make one more call.
Love ya kiddo
Shirley

Re: Setbacks

HI Kim,
Yes we all know all too well this lonely journey of a nightmare we are on. I think the initial shock is wearing off and Lisa's death seems to haunt us which is so different than just living and breathing her every minute of the day. It is when the one thing reminds you of her or a look at a picture knowing she should be here but that you will never see her again and it just takes you back and down. We did find another 1989 penny yesterday and it was dropped while exchanging change just like the last one so we must cling to that for the time being. Seen any squirrels lately? How is the new kitten? Luv ya...Laura & AV

Re: Setbacks

It seems like the days never go by without the feeling of dread inside me. today s/b scheduling conf. by def atty has dr appt so it going to be tomorrow.

i'm still finding my dimes! still waiting for 1991 but Laura got it like I told her she would!

lv yas
Bette

Re: Setbacks

I had been told by several people that the second year was harder then the first. I guess because the first year you are still in shock and in the second it begins to set in that it is real. July 1 was the year anniversary and ever since that day I feel like I am getting worse. I thought they didn't mean the day after the first anniversary but that is how it feels. I cried all day today just missing her, and you are right Laura. I will be fine and something, even if it is small will remind me that I never get to see her again. I had to go to the store on the way home and I had been bawling in the car, but I didn't even care if it looked like it. I went in and got my stuff and was trying not to cry when I approached the check out and there was a big purple butterfly shaped balloon. They must be new because when we did her balloon release I tried to find purple with anything butterfly but there wasn't anything. So I brought my purple butterfly balloon home and it is floating between the living room and kitchen and I can see it from all those rooms plus the office. Doug asked me what I was going to do with it. At first I thought I would send it to her, but I think she sent it to me so I am going to stare at it until it goes flat then put it in the office. I always miss her but it feels like it is getting harder to make it. You are right, her death haunts me too. I am back to replaying it over and over and each time I really realize that I won't see her again I get a panic attack. I never had them before she died and now they are getting worse. I don't want to take meds but some days I wonder how long I will be able to avoid it. The pain is different some way. I don't know how to explain it, but it is.
I haven't seen the squirrel lately. The dogs may have scared him off. Miss Nova kitty has taken over. She acts like she has always been here and everyone acts like she has always been here too. No adjustment period at all. She does enjoy walking in a big square on the bed when I am almost asleep and then I feel her move past my head. She does it every night. She eats like a horse too. Doug said "Great, another pet who eats like it is having its last meal." So another reason to believe she was sent. She is in here now standing on the desk staring into the fish tank and I am sure dreaming of eating one. :)

Re: Setbacks

Hi Kim, I am Jimmy's Aunt. I can feel the grief that is overwhelming you and I am so sorry for your loss. Jimmy's been gone for 19mos. however sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday. One day I can look at his pictures and smile and feel joy and other days they make me cry like a baby. What do you do? I don't know the answer and I don't think anyone else does either. My prayers are with you and your family.

Re: Setbacks

Hey Kim
I know exactly how you feel,I think we were all in a fog the first year and now reality is setting in.I used to pretend he was away at school or in the service or living in another country,but that doesn't work anymore,cause he would've found a way to call me.So I don't really move from my house except for work and try to make it to the next day.There is this profound sadness that will never go away.How can it? We lost our babies!!! Special to all of us,unique in their own ways.I know they are happy,it is us who are left behind that have a hard time making it.Well hope you are feeling a little better and climbintg to the top of the roller coaster soon.You are in my thoughts and prayers as all of the families are daily.Love Always and God Bless

Re: Setbacks

I know several of us hit the year so close together so I guess we will be in that fog together. I am up and down up and down. :) I did the same thing you did. Kaylin was just in Texas or at a friends or at school or something, but now I can't pretend that anymore. Today I went through the Jack In the Box at lunch. A few years ago Kaylin was working at a vet's office in the same town. On a day very much like today I was sitting in the drive through line when I heard a BOOO!! and then she jumped next to my window and laughed and asked me what I was doing and said she was on lunch too and just wanted to scare me and say HI. Funny that just sitting in that line today with the weather so much like it was then having it hit me. Of course I started bawling all the way back to work. I think that never knowing what is going to trigger a memory is what startles me the most. Sometimes they seem to come from no where and I am a sniveling mess.

I have this poem for us MOMS. At least I think, of maybe it is just me.

Do You?

Do you ever feel insane,
like you're going out of your mind?
Do you ever feel you'll break
If life hurts you one more time?
Do you ever feel that hope,
is just beyond your grasp?
That happiness is fleeting
and for you not meant to last?
Do you ever long to close your eyes,
and forever fall asleep
To beaten down to get back up
and to afraid to leave?


DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER I know that his family and friends search the internet looking for things to twist around so I need to make it perfectly clear that this is a poem of how I am feeling. I feel very low and sad but am in no way suicidal. It is not a suicidal poem Weston's family, attorney or PI. It is a poem of despair. Once again. NOT SUICIDAL.

After a year of this roller coaster I know that I will survive just because I have to, but for now I am in the valley. Thankfully we all have each other so that we are not alone on this roller coaster. I will be fine, but for today I am having a moment. :) Thanks for letting me vent it out MOMS.