Hi MOMS....I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I've been browsing on the site, looking at old posts and feel such sadness. Tomorrow will be a month since my Samuel was killed. A month...it just doesn't seem real. I look at his pictures and can't believe he is no longer here. In reading old posts, I see alot of you MOMS have gone through what I am feeling now. I've dealt with death before....my Mom passed away when I was 15, she 31, of cancer and I know time helps heal, but I don't know if I will ever get over this. I still cry for my mom and it's been over 20 yrs! I'm just at a loss of words right now. All I feel is pain. I'm trying to put on a happy face for my younger boys, but it's so hard. I don't want them seeing me cry all the time. I've lost all interest in things I use to enjoy, photography, knitting, blogging. I've posted on my blog some of my feelings. Maybe my blogging will be an outlet for some of my feelings. I'm not sure yet. I'm glad that I can come here and just let out my feelings to other MOMS who understand what I am going through. I got a tattoo last week, I posted a picture on my blog also. I wanted something in rememberance of Samuel. Oh MOMS! It hurts so much....
Dear Isaida I look at old posts too to see how far I've come in this healing process,because somedays I feel like I haven't moved an inch yet other days I feel the love of those around me and know how blessed I am.I didn't have many interests but my kids.Heck I was computer illiterate until Laura/Av got me up and running.LOL.It helps to have other children around because they still keep you busy,but I know our family will never be completely whole again.I never thought I would laugh again and was annoyed when those around me could.Then I found the MOMS chatroom,that let me feel like it was alright to laugh again.I say, that you take your photography and knitting skills and turn them into a passion for your son's memory.Some of the MOMS Laura/Av,Kim and Shirley are excellent at making videos and Shirley is also very talented in making photo mugs and other things for our children.Betty is also talented in videos and commercials.Me, I'm stuck on KIMI"S still but if you would have told me last year at that time that I would be making them I would have laughed you under the table.It's the ideas and projects that these MOMS involve themselves in that is what helps me say I'm gonna be alright.Their willingness to share their skills with others or just involve our children in their projects is amazing.So unselfish in their own pain.They tell me it helps them tremendously with their grief while helping others.Your pain is still so raw Isaida but when you are ready we could always use a photographer and knitter.Keeping our children's memory alive is the number one concern with us as you will probably realize in the months ahead.Maybe this time next year you will have a step by step class on the message board about how to knit and take a good picture.LOL
May God bring you peace and comfort knowing Samuel is safe in His arms,and your love for him and his for you will never die.I hope your other children are coping as best they can.I found it very hard to help them when I felt I couldn't help myself.All children react differently,so I felt like I was all over the place.But this too takes time and it will sort itself out.My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you travel this long,rocky road.Love Always and God Bless (((((((((hugs))))))))
It is almost a year for us and I think to myself, can it be that it was almost a year ago that I was unable to sleep and searching for help to grieve and find a place people understood? I miss Kaylin every second of everyday. I think back to when it was a month and know that I have slowly taken a few steps forward but the pain is always there. Barb is right. For some of us we have a drive to keep our kids and the kids on this site's memories alive. For me it helps that I have my son. Some days he is the only reason I get out of bed. I do not want him to feel he lost us too so I put on my face for him and try to let him know it is alright to grieve too. When I am alone though there is no one to put a face on for and I feel like I could just slump through the floor. Right now it is still so fresh for you. At a month I was still in shock. Some days I still feel I am. The women here are wonderful and always there even when they are hurting too. Some days we just all hurt together.
The pain is so raw for you right now. Gosh I can't even think back I wouldn't remember anyway. My son's angelversary is on July 13th, it will be 2 years I can't even say it! 2 years!!!!! where did it go? I feel like it was just yesterday, but yet I know I'm better than "just yesterday" I wouldn't be here. This site was and is still a life saver for me. I don't come on as often as I should and I try to get into chat I did for a bit last night got to talk to Kim for a few minutes, but I'm so tired at night I just can't even get myself to go in. Still today I take one day at a time sometimes on minute at a time. I don't know some days houw I even get out of bed, but I do, for my other kids. I wish I could just fall apart and not have to worry about anything, I miss my son so much the pain is bad. All I can tell you is that you are not alone, I don't know how much they helps, but knowing the other moms here and how they've got me thru each day, well I would never have made it by myself, that's all I can say. They have given me so much comfort, so many words of wisdom, even smiles that I thought I'd never have again. Take care of yourself and remember we are here for you too.
All I can say is time does help it hasn't healed but it has helped. The terrible gut wrenching pain that you are going through right now will calm down to a dull ache. There are days that I can remember my Jim with a smile now, but more often than not the tears flow. You have come to the right place though I don't know what I would do with out my sista moms. These gals are the greatest.
Love and Hugs
HI ISAIDA, I AM GLAD YOU FOUND US AT MOMS SO SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND US AT THIS TIME IN YOUR LIFE WE ALL KNOW AND CARE SO SORRY YOU HAVE LOST A LOVE ONE TO MURDER MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOU EACH DAY IT GET BETTER JUST A LITTER BIT,WE STILL CRY WE ALL HURT WE STILL LONG FOR OUR CHILDREN ,MOTHER.FATHER.BROTHER SISTER,MY PRAYERS AND HUGS JOANN -HUBERT MOM.
Bette, we were told that the second year is harder then the first. I guess the reality starts setting in. I thought how can that be? I am amazed some days that I made it. If not for my son I don't think I could have.
Isaida, this is so fresh for you. I feel such sadness when another MOM comes our way yet I can remember clear as a bell when I found this group. I couldn't make it without the support of these ladies. We are here for you. Remember that. My prayers are with you.