This month's messageboard is sponsored by Bobbie Humphreys
in memory of her son Billy Lee Humphreys
Why can't I make it through a day with out crying one time? Why can't I look at another young man with out the longing for my son? Why am I feeling so hopeless and lonely? Why do I feel so utterly wrong about the way that I raised my son? Why do I feel like I was the worse mother that God put on this earth? Why couldn't I have been there to hold my sons head as he died? Why can't I see my son in my dreams like so many other people say they do? Why didn't I get the chance to say I love you my son? Why didn't I get to say goodbye to my love and not have to wonder? Why did someone feel like the only way they could solve a disbute was to shoot my son? Why am I feeling so stupid to still after 2 years longing to have my son back? I am so full of Why's that I can't stand it. I am just so angry and tired. I WANT MY SON BACK ! ! ! !
Why can't I feel better? Why do I feel like I am a pityful stupid person to be crying again? Why?
Oh Francis, you have every right to ask why. Your are not a bad mother. Jimmy was my nephew and I still cry for him and just want him back so bad. A day doesn't go by that he is not in my thoughts. When I feel this bad I can't even imagine how you and all of the other mother's feel when it is your own child you are longing for. I watch my sister and she always seems so strong but I know what is under neath that toughness and it just breaks my heart. We didn't get to tell Jimmy good bye and it is hard that none of us got to be with him. We all waited out in the hall then they took us to the chaple so I know what you mean. Just know you have all of these wonderful ladies on here that you can turn to so when you need to you just get on here and vent. They all understand what you are going through. I will pray for you. God Bless.
The question WHY will kill you.There are not going to be any answers to all of these questions you have.We can't lean on our own understanding of this horrific situation we are all in.Mine wasn't why as much as, I could have done this or I could have done that.I have come to the realization that the Lord wanted my son and He called him back home.His true home.I will have the answers to all of my questions some day.I hold on to that and the sweet memories I have of my son.Not a day goes by that at some point I can't breathe with the thought of his loss.Some people run away from God like he abandoned them.I chose to run to Him as He is the only one who will reveal His infinite wisdom to me,and what His eternal plan is.The shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35 "Jesus wept".That was right after he found out his close friend Lazarus died.He has let us know that Blessed are those who mourn:for they shall be comforted.Matthew 5:4.Please know that you and your family are in my prayers and I hope mine is in your prayers.Know that your son did love you and you were a good mother to your son.Don't ever doubt this.It is just the devil's way to distract you and make you suffer more.I myself don't dream of my son.I have spoken to alot of moms who haven't either.I am sending you a big Hug ((((((((hug))))))))
so you know you are not alone with your thoughts.Stay strong look to the Lord and pray for understanding.Love Always and God Bless Barb
I have loved thee with an everlasting love:therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. Jeremiah 31:3
HI Frances, I don't have any answers to the whys but I can tell you after three years since Keara was murdered I feel the same way. I think it is built into us as moms to believe that we should protect our children and when we couldn't we feel so guilty. There are so many shold haves, could haves etc. I don't think you would be normal if you didn't cry for your son. I do and I know many of the other moms do also. They were torn from our lives in brutal ways. Please don't be hard on yourself. The amount of grief you have is a direct measure of the love you have for your son. I didn't get to say goodbye to Keara either. I never even saw her body and it is so hard. Memories are just not enough so much of the time. I want Keara back too and unfortunately I can't reconcile myself to the fact that god wanted her home because she has children and they have no Mom anymore so I wonder what kind of God would allow that. I try to believe I will see her someday but just like you, I want her back now!! Love ya, Darien
Frances, I felt like I was reading something I would have written, I ask these questions all the time, every day. I too have felt like if I was there, I could have done something, like he wouldn't have went to the store if I was still up. I felt awful all the time about that, he knew he wasn't allowed out late at night but he felt safe in his own neighborhood and he was with an adult, so why wouldn't he??? But I've said so many times that I felt like I should have been there, as moms we are supposed to protect them and I wasnt there to protect him, it eats me up every day to think what he must have felt those few last minutes, to think he may have suffered or was scared makes me so upst to think about and I do, I can't help it because we loved our babies we want to be there for them and we will never understand how evil can take over a person so that they can go and kill another person. It makes no sense to us because we don't have that evil in our hearts so we will never understand it. Remember each day when you wake up and take another breath to face another day that your angel is up there saying you can do this mom and I'm so proud of you and that when you meet again he will be the first one you will see and he is going to say I knew you could do it for me. Some days that's what gets us thru it, we not only live for ourselves, or our other children/family, but we live for them now too.
God Bless you always
My Jim has been gone 18 months there is not a day or minute that goes by that I don't think of him and ask myself all the same questions. I was always there for both of my boys mom always did whatever she could to take care of things, this is something I can not take care of and it eats at me every day. I didn't get to tell my Jimmy that I loved him, I didn't get to hold him while he laid dieing and I just want him to walk through the door and yell HEY MOM but it will never happen and I cry for him and I miss him so much. You are not a pitiful, stupid person if you are you have a lot of company.
Love and Hugs
I have been reading all the responses from the MOMS and they all have wisdom in their thoughts. No why didn't I, I should have, if only etc. Girl we all live are own lives, even our Angels. Moms cannot be on guard duty 24/7 for an infinite amout of years. Murder is not the same as death. I have been a nurse for the last 25 years. I have been present and cared for many who have died. I have done CPR countless times. There were reasons for these deaths for the most part. Sickness, accidents, old age etc. Some deaths are sudden but your mind can reason them out. Such as heart attacks, MVA's etc. There is no reason for murder except self defense. However,self defense is not the reason for most murders. You have a child and someone takes their life for what? Anger,greed,robbery,jealousy,fun,to get back in a mental institution? None of it makes since. These so called humanbeings do not think like we do. They have no compassion for their fellow man. I guess you could say they are subhuman. It is not your fault it is the murderers fault. Listen to Barb she is right. The Lord will sort it all out. You need to trust him fully with your life and know he will always be just. Girl, I feel bad, I use to be irratated with Jimmy all the time. I did not like how reckless he was with his motorcycle nor his fighting. I knew someday something bad would happen. I picked him up off the rode after one of his motorcycle accidents. I came in to town and the first thing I see is Jimmy's Mangled Motorcycle I found him along side the rode. He wanted me to take him to the hospital. I remember crying and pleading with him to stop. I told him. Jimmy if you die just think of the pain you will put us through. Well he didn't listen and I got mad. I would not hardly speak with Jim. He was murdered and now all I wish is that I could put my arms around him and say Jim I love you so,so much. That will never happen in this life time. One day I will see him again and he will get that big hug. I know Jimmy knows I love him. There are many days I mourn for him. We all do that with our Angels and there is no shame in it. Please take care. We are all concerned for your well-being.
Luv, Aunt Sharon
I personally can't answer that question for you. However, I do completely understand it. I just lost my son Jeremy on April 25th of this year. I have all those same questions and more. I too cry every single day and wonder when, if ever that I will be able to function normally again.
I now have full custody of his two children. Caleb is 7 and Aleigha is 5. I try so hard to keep from showing too much emotion in front of them. I do NOT want them to feel the anger and rage that wells up in me daily. I try my best to wait until late at night to cry, scream into my pillow etc...so that they won't see my frustration. The man that killed my son made bail and is out walking the streets. The grand jury was supposed to have done something last week. Instead, it was put off until August because they don't have everything in yet that they want to present to the grand jury. I know that this is just the beginning of a very long process. I don't see how I can even begin to heal when I am basically in a wait and see mode.
My son was murdered in my hometown. Though I now live in Oklahoma, I still have family there so I can't just not go back to that town. But it tears me apart to be there. My son was conceived there, and he was murdered there. I don't understand why my mother was notified by one of my son's friends in another town. How in the hell did they find out before the authorities could contact my parents....I just don't understand so much ............sometimes I wonder if I ever will.
We are coming up on the year now and I find myself asking those questions too. I have to rely on God to get me through and sustain me but sometimes I even get angry and ask him why? I know he is a caring Father and understands that I am in pain and hurting and he will send me comfort when I need it most. I know that God did not take my child. We live in the world and evil took her but God was there to carry her into heaven. Too many things have confirmed this to me. Sometimes I still get feeling of doubt though and I do cry every day too. I miss her. I miss my daughter and I want her back. I want to talk to her to hear her laugh even argue with her if I could just have her back. My heart longs for her. Losing your child is not the natural order of life. I often wonder why I didn't go get an ice cream and maybe have seen her and taken her out of the car. The truth is, I have never in my life been to that ice cream place so why would I have gone? I didn't get to say goodbye either. That is where the poem I wrote for her came from, not getting to say goodbye. I didn't even get to see her for 8 days and when I did her head was misshapen from the autopsy and they had not done the repair yet. When I saw her I only got to see her for five minutes. I didn't get to hold her one last time or anything. At her funeral I didn't think she looked like herself. I even told myself that it wasn't her and that she had decided to go into hiding for awhile and this was just part of her plan to do that. Her hands though. Her hands belonged to my baby. The tiny freckle in the middle of the pinky. The two freckles a nails width apart. I held her hand and I stroked her hair before they buried her and somehow I kept myself from jumping into the grave with her, but I miss her. Everyday I get anxious and I have started to develop OCD things. Some days I feel like I am having a heart attack because it hurts so much. I don't feel that it is getting easier. It feels harder to me. We lost our babies. We get to cry. We get to feel bad. Our lives changed forever. I think though that we also have to be their voice. We have to get justice and when justice is denied then we have to fight to get things changed. Our children deserve to never be forgotten.