Sometimes when I get this way I feel better getting in out of me. I know when I talk to people thye really don't understand what I'm feeling, but I know here you mom's all understand.
last night all I did was cry. It just comes out of no where. I started sobbing and couldn't stop, then I started going thru his things, things I can't put away. I found a little guy he used to collect, he loved this cartoon show called Dragon Ball Z, and he'd get the characters we used to have all kinds of them everywhere, but who knows what happened to them, you know kids outgrow stuff and throw it away. Well I found this one and I just held it in my hands remembering how we'd go to the store and I'd let him get something for himself, I did this every week because of the problems he had at school this was a way of helping him thru the week, something to look forward to. So we'd rent games, or buy something special. Then I found those things he'd get at the super market, you know like from the quarter machines, they were little pokemon figures. I found his high school ID and just kissed it over and over. I took that out and put it in my wallet. Well I can't go over to much because I feel the tears coming again. I just don't understand why they took him away from me??? Why???? He was an innocent little kid. I see his face from the picture they showed me off the video, they wouldn't let me watch the video from the store survellience where he was last seen alive with the other guy, but there in one still photo they were showing he was in the background I can still see him standing there waiting for the other guy to pay for his stuff he bought. I relive these images over and over in my head. I just don't understand. I can't even put his clothes away. I even asked my sons if they would like any of his shorts, he liked them big and long but they just said sure, then nothing else. I know they can't even go in there either. We have his clothes hanging still in the closet they shared. Matt wears the Tupac one, if you look at his picture, the one where he is sitting in the pizza store with the black & white jacket, he has that Tupac shirt on. these things eat at me each day, places or things I can't do or go to anymore. Do you know that I've only been in that 7-11 maybe 10 times in 2 years and I just run in and out. I don't even like doing it but on days like today it's pouring out and I needed cigs so I went there instead of all the way to Wawa. I bless myself everytime I go up that street, when I go up that street, I usually don't but there are days by force of habit I find myself just driving up there and my stomach turns each time. I see all his friends having fun, some have already been to their proms and stuff, HE'LL NEVER GET TO GO TO A PROM!!!!!! he would have went to his Junior Prom this year. his friends, the girls, have their prom pics on myspace and I just feel like screaming, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! Well I'm trying really hard to remember the good memories but they even bring me to tears anymore. I'm having a little welcome home for Matt tomorrow and it kills me to think Timmy isn't going to be there, like the graduation party and we had so much fun!!! I don't even look forward to doing this, but Mtt's God mom is helping me out. I want to, because he deserves it, but I'm just not into these things anymore, just like my oldest said to me the other day, I can't even be happy when there is happiness, I just don't feel it. It's so true.
I too have Jim's clothes still in his closet, I did put a lot of his things in space bags and they are under the bed. His motorcycle helmets are in their bags on a shelf, every thing is still in his room. He hadn't even lived here for a long time but it is and always will be his room.
It seems the only time I am truly happy is when I am doing something for Jimmy. This morning I made shirts for my sister, my friend Evie and myself my shirt and Sharon's shirt have a pic of Jim with the caption Jim a legend on one wheel Evie's shirt has a pic of her husband with the caption Bill a legend on two wheels. That made me smile just to remember the two of them doing what they loved to do. I was on such a High on Jim's BD the stunt show and all the support of family and friends even the day after but then I found how emotionally drained I was, I am tired all the time I just want my life back the way it was I want my son home where he belongs. I'll just bet we are not the only moms that feel this way. I find so much comfort here with all of you, I love you all!
oh bette, i really felt everything that you said. and as i sit here with tears in my eyes, i wish i could just hug u ....i know that anyone else would think a hug is silly, but we know...dont we...how very much it helps to just hold on to someone who really knows the pain...im sorry that you're having a bad day...but, stay strong...you know that we are all here for you....keeping you in my thoughts....love and hugs, julie
Dear Bette,Shirley and Julie
Memories are so bittersweet when we think of our babies.What brings me a smile also brings a tear.As I said before there is no rhyme or reason to our tears and how they flow or when.Walking down the street knowing he will never walk that path again sets me off.Then the Lord lets me know that Nicky is walking streets of GOLD.That he is protected from any harm that this evil world holds and I can breathe again.We all must survive however we can.Lately I have been looking to all of you and your babies and what is happening like birthdays and stunt shows and bowling tournaments etc and imagining Nicky at them like an event he would go to here on earth.When I hear feedback from you moms as to the caring and love shown at these events,it makes me feel like Nicky is still here with me and that he was a part of the happiness that was bestowed upon that mom and family.I have come to the conclusion that this pain will never go away.The tears will never stop flowing and my son will always be missed and talked of.Thank God.Kimi's, video's,candles lit and sharing of special events let me know that others have not forgotten my son,so that is what is important to me.That he never be forgotten.Someone from work who lost his brother said his mom was so bad that she put any memory or picture of her son away that was the only way she knew to cope with his loss.Not to look upon these things.I feel that is such a shame as I always want to think of my son and his memory even if it means a tearful day,because it just might be the day that I look at that special picture or toy or music or book and it fills my heart with joy to know that I got to spend some time here with such a beautiful caring soul.I would be so much worse without having known him.So MOMS know that you had such a vital role in the upbringing of your beautiful children and that they will always live on in your heart.No one can take that from you,it's your own special treasure chest.I love all you guys and I'm glad for the messages left on here and the responses as it helps me cope with what I am feeling and others have put to words.Love always and Many,many hugs to you.God Bless
You make me dizzy just reading your stories oh crazy one I can't imagine how you are when you are in the eye of the storm..It is no wonder you are so crazy who wouldn't be...You need to start on that book...Can't you sneak in a couple pages a day at work..hehehe....Hang in there...You know we are here for you and luv ya...Laura & AV
thank you all for being here for me. yes I'm a mess each day some or worse than others. I'm glad I have here to come to.
I do need to start on that book LOL, cause no one could believe half the things that happen in my life, I'm like a bad luck charm or something.
I think the 2 year anniversary coming up is really knocking me over. Plus evertthing else in the middle, some days I can't tell what is up and what is down. Just keep trying one day at a time. Today is not so bad :)
Love to you all