I don't see to many people post that much. So I figured I'd start a thread and ask everyone just to check in.
I've been going pretty much crazy. Went to see my son down in GA and it went well, he looks great. Only thing I can say is I've decided that I don't like to travel. I was just so stressed out that I really didn't enjoy myself that much really. the only highlight was seeing my son and I missed him so much it was great to see him. the downside of all this is that I missed Timmy even more. He would have loved to gone down there to see his brother, he would have been so proud. I just could picture him all excited and stuff. When I left my son on Sunday night, he asked me not to cry. We got there just in time as they called him in and he ran, so I didn't get the chance to have any emotion at all. but by the time I got back to the hotel I sat myself in the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I was pitiful, thank God I didn't do this in front of him as it would have only made him feel sad and bad about me leaving.
We had another status hearing and I don't know what transpired. I will call the advocate either tonight or tomorrow as they tell you to wait 2 days anyway. I'm sure there will be nothing to tell me except that the next day is in May. Which I looked up on the docket anyway, but I'll call either way, just to make sure they know that I'm going to keep on this no matter what it takes, not matter if nothing transpired, etc. But it's still like each time one of these hearings come up you just hold your breath because you don't know if they will say the trial is now up, or something happened, or whatever. It just makes you feel more stressed. I've been under so much stress lately, even people tell me in the pictures I have with my son in GA that I looked so stressed out and I look like I've lost more weight. I look like crap is what they really mean LOL, but yes I think I look like crap and well, sigh..., what can I say????
So all in all I'm a basket case and not much else is new, but still trying to hang in there. I know all you mom's are going thru the same thing and just to let you all know that we are in this all together and to know that I have some "family" here that I can come to and just let it out or vent or just blabber like I'm doing in this post, you will all understand. Last night I couldn't sleep, I keep thinking of Timmy and what happened and what he must have felt, and how can someone be so cruel to have done this to him, he never hurt anybody. I re-live it over and over every single day, there is not a day that goes by that I sit here and ask WHY, WHY, WHY and know I'll never get an answer. I can't change it, I can't help him like I always was there for him, always tried to be the best mom I could be. Some days I feel like I let him down, I should have known something, or felt something, anything. I wish I could change it, why do we torment ourselves this way???
Well you guys I hope you are all doing as best as possible and know that I pray for each of you all the time. I always ask God to give all mom's who suffer the pain I live in some kind of comfort.
It sounds like you are having a rough time and I do understand. I just got back from Arkansas visiting Kayt and I had areally nice time. I will admit though that being there where Keara was a little girl was hard at times. My son Wayne and I who came over from Missouri for a couple of days went to visit a couple thart the kids stayed with when they were little when we went away to shows. Boy did that bring back memories.
Being with Kayt made me wish even more that we could have a retreat. We went and looked at my land and it is just as pretty as I remember.
I know it is so hard not to blame yourself as a mother for not being able to prevent this. I torture myself with that a lot also. But when I think logically about it I know I did the best I could. We unfortunately don't have control over these things and now we suffer.
I hope u will come on chat. If you ever want to talk by phone send me ur phone number and I will be glad to call you.
I ask WHY? all the time and never have gotten an answeer to that question or any understanding how anyone could be so cruel. It makes no sense and it is impossible to wrap your mind around it.
Glad to hear your son is doing good you at least have that in you're favor. My son however is not doing so good he had been clean for about 4 weeks but my sister said she saw him yesterday and his eyes were spinning SO he is back off the wagon once again. I know what you mean about reliving this nightmare some days it is all I think about and just can't get it out of my mind. Some nights when I close my eyes and try to sleep all I see are pictures of Jim on that night. I pray that this trial gets going and is over soon for you at least you can move forward a little when it is done. It is just so hard wondering what is going to happen and will the SOBs get the sentence they deserve.
Love and Hugs