I felt jealous when my ex-husband Monica's biological father died. I thought he is with her and he did not even love her half as much as her DAD and I did. Then like you I thought about her children and my sons and I realized that I was needed more here even though like you I feel like someone has dumped a pile on me that I just can't dig out of. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you face the trial but remember you have a beautiful guardian angel watching over you and he will keep you strong as all our angels do. You are never alone.
I can see why you feel like you are spinning in circles, an awful lot to handle all at one time. As Nanci would say breathe Pat breathe. Remember also we are all here for you.
Love and Hugs