Most people say "I can't believe a year has gone by"
But for me,I'm stuck on March 31st 2008,the day that you died
My days last forever,the nights are so long
Someone took you from me and now you are gone

What right did they have to decide your fate
And leave me with these feelings of anger and hate
My life changed forever,on that fateful night
No matter what anyone says,it never seems right

"I LOST MY CHILD" I find the words blurt out
When deep down inside all I want to do is scream and shout
Mechanically,I tackle my everyday chores
Knowing soon that the Lord will open up new doors


I pray for His guidance,for I know He truly cares
He'll help me climb out from under this avalanche of despair
Please talk about my child,it's important to me
You may be uncomfortable,but don't you all see

I spoke of him often over the years
His death didn't change that,even though it brings tears
So rest peacefully for now my precious child
Lord willing,I'll be joining you in a little while


This is harder than I imagined.Thank all you moms for making the load a little easier to bear.Please keep me and my family in prayer as Nicky's date approaches on Tuesday.I find myself consumed with trying to warn him the past 2 weeks that he is in danger,and I feel helpless to rescue him.Everyday I count down the days and tell him he only has 10 days left or 5 or 3 whatever I subtract from March 31st.I can be awake or asleep it doesn't matter.I'm sorry I have backed off from communicating and lighting candles,part of that was the site being messed up,and part was the depression I'm going through.I hope to be back on track with this at the end of the week.I love you all very much,and still do believe that Nicky is in a much happier place along with all of your angels.Please visit Nicky's new site www.last-memories.com and light a candle on his angelversary day Tues, and see his custom page feelings of sadness which I'm still working on but am almost finished.Thank you again and Love Always God Bless Barb

Barb, I think the pain of the approaching day is harder then anything. I remember Timmy's 1st anniversary and the weeks leading up to it were the most worst ever! The day seemed to just move on by as I planned a candle light vigil for him and was very busy, but by the end of the day I was exhausted and the feeling of overwhelming pain just takes over. I wish I could give you some comfort somehow. There is nothing I can say or do to make anything better, but you know I'm here for you and will always be in my prayers. I loved your poem, it brought tears to my eyes, as I feel the pain you feel and the words you say. We will never understand how anyone could kill our children no answers will ever be good enough. Take care of yourself and if you need anything please let me know.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

Barb what a beautiful poem for your baby. I know just the days before Kaylin's birthday had me down so bad I wondered if I needed to check in to a place for awhile. I dread the approach of the 1st year. We understand that you are not up to chatting or posting. Just know we are here for you and we will be with you as you approach and get through the angelversary day. I don't think people who have not lost a child realize just how hard these days are, and they are so hard. My love to you and your family and I will be praying for strength for you. Your Nicky is special to all of us and we will hold you up.

Barb,
How true all your words ring to our ears. While every day is a struggle with the constant pain & sadness that has consumed our lives & hearts we are yet faced with a day even more difficult than this. The most common words I heard in the days & weeks that followed Lisa's death was...there are no words that can be said...and that was and is so true. This is the day that all parents fear...their worst nightmare..something that only happens on tv and never to your child. The day that none of us ever thought we would live through if it happend to us. Every one of us, before this, I am sure thought that we would never be able to go on if we lost the most precious part of our lives. EVERY DAY that I get up and make it to the end of that day I am amazed as I go to bed that I made it. Then the thought overwhelms us How are we supposed to keep doing this? How can I ever be strong enough to get through another day..let alone a week? As Nanci once said that is exactly how we get through it...One day at a time...with this one (the angelversary day) being the worst. But we do make it and we find the strength to make it that one more day. I look back and think how easy life was before and how difficult at times I thought it was. Now I look at others and wish I had their menial complaints...I would give anything to have their worries in place of my own. But we can't so we must go on and despite how we all dread the saying that our children would want us to...we all know amongst us how true that is. Nicky would be proud of how strong you are and how you have provided comfort to so many others when you yourself have such a heavy burden to bear. You have not turned your back and you have offered your friendship and compassion to others in need when you have lost so much yourself Again that shows the character you have (and the character your are!) and you know in your heart Nicky is proud of you. Nicky needs you to stay strong, not crawl in a hole, and to be his life continued so that his memory will live on forever. That is what you have done and will continue to do no matter how many setbacks that may come your way. This is what we must do for our children. We don't have to do it alone and know that we will always be here for you as we know you will always be there for us. So while I at times am not sure what I do or don't believe I do have faith that we were brought together for a reason. Our children knew how hard this would be without them and knew we would need each other. Our minister told us in the days that followed Lisa's death it is the evil in the world that takes away our loved ones and not God. He believes that God brings us comfort and strength so that we may deal with the days that follow this devastation. I do believe that as I don't know where I would be without the moms and how much strength I have found that I never knew existed since I have found the moms. Know that we are always here for you and you are always in our thoughts and prayers. So much for there are no words...I seem to have written a short story when I felt like I didn't have anything to write as we haven't encountered this day yet. If you are still awake lady...WE LOVE YOU!!!!Laura & AV