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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)
Just wanted to send a little hello to you all, I haven't posted much either and see the same with a lot of you guys. So I'm just sending out a hello and hope that you all can write back and say how you are holding up. My oldest son is home and so far so good though he is getting me a little stressed. My middle son is in basic training and hurt his knee so i worry about him too, both all the time anymore. I'm terribly stressed out and always feel sick. I miss Timmy so much and there are days I want to cry and nothing happens. I haven't been up to the cemetary cause the weather is always nasty anymore on the weekends and that is the only time I get to go. i feel like everyon seems to be forgetting him, none of his friends write on his myspace anymore,they hardly write me too. Some times a few will come over to visit. I actually got to see his one best friend who had taken it very hard and doesn't come over because he feels weird and all w/o Timmy and it breaks his heart to come to the house knowing timmy isn't here, we saw him on Sat. when I had family over to come see my oldest. He looks so sad and withdrawn and it breaks my heart that here this young boy who knew my baby all his life. I feel empty some days like everyone is moving on and I'm not. I feel strange when I start talking about him cause it seems to make everyone uncomfortable. I like hearing the stories his friends would tell me and they would make me laugh. It's going on 2 years now in July and it feels like forever, yet like it was just yesterday if that makes any sense.
Well there's my update not so good, but feels good to let it out. I just wanted to check in on you all and hope you all know that I always say a prayer for my Mom's. I think how much pain we go thru and how so little understand that pain except each other.
I know what you mean it does feel like people have forgotten. They have just moved on past the pain unlike us moms who never will. I have an angel on my front porch it is suppose to be a bird feeder but I put a little candle in it every night and light it for Jim. Jim's friends call from time to time to check on me some of them stop by from time to time also. It does seem like it was only yesterday but yet like I haven't seen his face or heard his voice in such a long,long time. Some days I just ache so much and other days I do OK. I think about him 24-7. My oldest son has finally started coming around I can tell when I talk to him he hasn't been doing drugs for a while and he is going back to work building houses again. I pray he gets his life together I sure don't want to loose another son.
I think about all my sister moms and their angles too. We are a strong bunch I am so glad we have each other but wish it was for a different reason.
Love and Hugs
Big Jim's Mom
Well...I guess it's not just me...I have really been feeling bad lately...physically and emotionally... Most of the time I feel like I just want to scream... And, angry...i've just been feeling so angry... Which is probably why I've not been in chat very much... I just get angry about nothing.... And, poor Brad, he's a champ... He gets yelled at for nothing...But he knows I'm not mad at him... All this time I thought it was just me...But now, after reading ur posts... I see that y'all r feeling it as well...I know that we'll always be there for each other..I'll try to make it to chat more often...i miss all u moms... Love and hugs to all of you...
Well I wanted to write this because I noticed (including myself) not a lot of postings been happenning and sometimes I'm just so tired at night I don't get into chat so I miss the talking. So I thought why not start a thread and just ask how everyone is doing, sometimes it just helps to get it out of you even in writing where you know you are safe to say whatever you want and feel whatever you feel. I feel terrible all the time. My boyd hurts all the time, I feel older than I should. I think this has beaten me up so badly that if it was for my other 2 boys I think I just wouldn't give a crap about anything. But I know I gotta keep going for them and I know in my heart Timmy wouldn't want me to be so sad, but I can't help it and I tell him every night I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Opps now I can't cry I'm at work, but there are days I wish I could just break down and no tears come and then all of a sudden BAM!!!! I can't stop. Thanks for answering the posts I just felt like I needed to connect again with you all, and just wanted to see how you all were doing.
You will never stop crying and longing for your son. Ever. I long for my dear Gerrick every single day, and miss him so very much. Time has stopped (for me) and after 5 years, I just miss him more and more. Grief affects us in so many ways, the anger does too. I am one angry person! I can't stop thinking about some mother f****** who took my boy from me in the most underhanded cold blooded way. And, the ******* who knew about it and did nothing to stop it are just as bad as the murderers as far as I'm concerned. See, this is why I don't post here because my anger comes out...Anyway, a fellow MOMS told me long ago how your grief and anger can make you sick, and she was right. I now have all kinds of conditions/diseases (whatever you want to call them)that I know are directly related to my grief and heartache. So, maybe I can help some of you by sharing this. The thing is, though, I found that nothing really helps...we just keep hurting sooooo until we can be with our child once again.
Love to all mothers of murdered sons/daughters here,
Gerrick's Moma Diane
hi moms i am ok still just trying to keep strong ,i have been sick so i do not get on here so today i just stop by i am sending you all my prayers and love joann-hubert mom
We had court today and got a continuance to April 28. I understand exactly what you are saying. It has been very hard lately. We were told today how strong we were and I thought, No when I get to the car I will bawl my eyes out but right now I need to focus on what is said. I get so exhausted from having to put on a public face. It is getting to be so draining. We rarely hear from anyone and no one is posting on her my space lately. I tell myself it is normal and that they are moving on. I can't move on so it is hard that they are even though logically I know they have to. I just want the world to stop and remind them that she is gone. I guess we do seem strong because we have learned that our tears make them run so we keep them private. I think, come over at 2:00 a.m. and see me pacing and look at the bags under my eyes and I can't even take a shower or drive any where alone anymore because I am bawling. I never was someone who cried easy and now I cry every day. I have a Dr. appt Monday. The physical stuff is hitting hard here too. I have lupus and had been doing good and I think I am having a bad flare. I hate the feeling of anxiety and the pain all the time. It is physical, emotional, mental. It never stops. Even when I sleep lately it seems like it seeps there too. So, I guess we are all feeling it really bad right now. I just miss her so much and I am getting so tired of having to pretend just so I can get through the day. it takes a huge toll. I need to catch ya'll in chat soon.
I know what you mean, it feels like the earth stood still for me and has not started spinning again yet everyone else is moving on. I too try and put on that happy face because that is what society expects from us, that we are all ok and moving forward. But only those who have been down this road know that it's not true we will never be the same, life is completely different for all of us, what we had is all gone, what we felt is different, there is more pain and sorrow than anyone could imagine, but no one tries to understand unless they've been there. I sit in work all happy when I write this smiling like everything is fine and dandy when in fact it is not! I'm not happy, my son was murdered, how can I ever really be happy. Yes I might seem ok on the outside, but inside I'm slowly evaporating, I stay strong for my other boys. I pray every night for all you mom's suffering the pain I suffer, and pray that God gives each of us some bit of comfort somewhere each day. Even if it is a good memory of our babies, the smile, the jokes, whatever it may be that brings a smile to your face, instead of the constant flow of tears.
Love to you all
I too have not posted for awhile. Like you I have found it hard to keep it together. My youngest son has been having a hard time he just broke up with his girlfriend and feels like he does not have anyone to talk to since he lost his sister she was his best friend. I have broke down so many times in the last week. You don't even need a calender to know that the day your world stopped the anniversary day your child was taken from you is coming up. I am proof that after nearly 6 years the pain is still there the loss is still there and we just learn how to live with all of it, functioning the best way we know how. I will continue to pray for you wonderful women. You are never out of my thoughts or out of my prayers.
Cindy Monica's Mom Forever
Hello Bette, I am new to this site and OMG thank the good Lord for I finally found a place where I can go and share my pain, my anger, and my grief. It is with me 24/7, and every Mother of a murdered child. It's been 7 yrs since my son Ricardo was shot down(17 xs with an AK-47). He was only 16. How do you move on from the senseless death of child--YOU DON'T!!! Most of my family seems to have moved on. I know everyone greives different, and I would never want for any one of them to have to feel as empty and broken as I feel. Hell I've even been told that I must like to stay dwelling in my pain. They just don't know!!! I use to get angry at them. Sometimes I still do. I find myself not bringing him up in conversation as much for fear of what negative feed back I might get. Now I have a place where I can vent and not feel ashamed for how I feel. Someone once told me that if I'm still grieving (daily) after 3 yrs for my son that I have crossed over into mental illness..Thank GOD for GOD. I felt like I was going crazy. Sometimes I still do,BUT I know and have accepted today that I am not crazy--they are.(LOL) For anyone to tell a Mother whose child who has been murdered the things that I've been told, "HAS GOT TO BE CRAZY" Well normally I would have apologized for going on and on, but I know here with M.O.M.S I don't have too. GOD BLESS YOU ALL--PEACE BE WITH YOU AND ALSO WITH ME. Chin up Chest Out...We are strong no matter what people say to us...Love Maribel B. (Ricardos Mom)
I'm having an especially hard time myself. I'm afraid to go to therapy, cause if this rage inside me gets out when I finally get over the denial I feel, I may not survive it. I've finally gotten my job under control and been pushing down the feelings just to keep a roof over our heads. It gets harder everyday.
My youngest moved to Ohio near where Randy died, and is getting married near Memorial Day and I'm happy for him, but still angry about the other. Don't know what to do.
Hey Crazy ONe,
It is good to hear from you and glad that the whirlwind stopped long enough so you could check in..lol. Isn't it coming up when you go down to visit Matt? How is that going? That is great the memory of sites are running virus free now if they could just get them to run without any difficulties...Well we can be patient we don't really have a choice as it is our life now. WE have to patient with everyone while we are the ones who have lost the most. Love 'n Hugs Laura & AV
Hey Laura/AV yes I get to see Matt in less than 2 weeks now. I have to fill you guys in, I've had so much going wrong lately I can't even put it into words anymore, it's just been a nightmare lately. I hope you can tell me when you will be in chat. I will send you an e-mail and let me know. The best we can all do is just hang in there, one day at a time, but these days now I just feel like freakin out and giving up. I'm almost fried up all over now, not just the brain anymore :) the rest of me is going crazy too :