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I have fallen into the black hole of terrible depression as the anniv. date of Keatra's murder approaches. I have spent the last two days in bed and have been reliving her murder. It is awful. I have not felt like doing anything even going on chat. I need some kind words of support. Thanks, Darien
Darien,
With all my heart I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. We all know how hard it is getting through the day that our child was taken from us. Come to the chat room if you feel up to it we will all be there for you.
Love and extra Hugs
Jim's Mom
Shirley
HI Darien,
I know of that black hole you speak of even though we are early in our journey. Lisa's anniversary date has not yet arrived but she has already spent her first birthday in heaven and her second will follow her anniversary date. I can't imagine how hard it will be the first one let alone how all you moms have made it through so many. But I do know that black hole that comes at night and every single morning when I wake up and say My daughter was murdered....will never leave my life and we will always be fighting it. As Kayt once said She will not let these murderers reduce her and while at times it is hard to find strength or even wonder why I will not let the pathetic coward who took our beautiful Lisa's life take any more from our family. I will fight to keep her memory alive and so many others whose lives have been taken by these cowards. The odds of something horrific happening to them I know are very very low as they are protected now but then again the odds that we would send our daughter to college and have her never return because of some pathetic coward I am sure are just as low. So as long as there is a chance that this scum will some day get exactly what he deserves I want to be around!!!!Oooops am I bitter???Yes I am! But I do need to be here for Lisa and for my family too. We love you and will always be here for you so look for the light and don't let the hole swallow you. We all fall into it but also all know that is part of our life now and we must continue to climb back out of it. Love & Hugs...Laura & AV
Darien we just went through Kaylin's first birthday in Heaven. It was awful and so hard. It was harder then the holidays for me. As the days approaching her birthday came I would find myself so down that it took effort just to hold my head up. I didn't want to even stand up. I just felt so down that I wanted to just lay in the floor and not move. I have to admit that I have some days that the ONLY thing that keeps me going is my son. Knowing that I HAVE to be here for him is what keeps me from just pulling the covers over my head and dying. I do have days when he is at a Scout thing that I do not move all day. I agree with Laura. I HAVE to be here to keep Kaylin's memory alive. There are others who loved and missed her but they will not work or fight to keep her memory alive like I will, It is my mission I guess. Every day every moment she is on my mind. Everything in my life is shadowed by her death. You will make it through this anniversary. You have before and you will again. Will it be hard? Sure it will but you are stronger then you think because you HAVE to be. Your grandkids need you here to constantly keep their mother alive for them. You HAVE to be here to keep Keara's memory alive. You HAVE to keep going because she needs you to keep doing the work that you do to help others. Even though our children are gone we are STILL mother's and we have to put them before us because that is what mom's do. We want to give up, We want to just disappear but we can't because our children need us to keep their memory and their stories alive. You are a wonderful mom Darien. It has been said that we have to take one day at a time, I think when you are a MOM you have to take it second by second just because you don't know what will trigger a reaction. We are human so we will hurt and we are certainly entitled to our feelings of hurt and pain. Don't forget that you have an angel watching over you and you have us. We love you. I am sorry that you are in that place right now. Just don't forget that is what you have us for. To help you out. We all fall into that hole. The awful thing will be when we no longer reach out to the lifeline that MOMS offers us. Hold on, and let us help. We love you Darien.
Some days Darien I also get into those black holes, I've had a few this weekend. Just all of a sudden out of no where it happens and I just fall apart. The pain is so unbearable at times I don't know how I get thru it. I know I have to be strong for my other 2 boys, but there are days that just break me down. Just know we are here for you and keeping you in my prayers, always.
God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom
Dear Darien As Nicky's first angelversary approaches I wonder why life keeps moving on when I still have the calendar on my refrigerator from last March 31st.I can't take it down,I guess that would be a sign of moving on and I don't feel like it these days.So it will hang on the fridge till it rots off.Me and my family's way of living stopped that day.I try to cope with the little things that are in my life but everything annoys me these days,and I don't like this feeling.The Lord does give me strength many days to put one foot in front of the other,and the Moms are all so understanding and helpful and caring.I honestly don't know what I would do without them.You are a special lady Darien and one who has much to offer.I look to all of you for assurance that I am not alone in this grief and so as we pray for each other and listen to each other and do for each other may other moms find us who are so lost and lonely with no one to help them with their heartache and be able to post as honestly as all of you do.Rant,scream and sleep Darien it is our due.May Keara send you a message of peace and comfort.Lots of hugs your way Please pray for me these next 2 wks also as I will for you Love and God Bless Barb
Thank you all for your support. I went to my therapist yesterday and he reassured me that unfortunately what I am going through is normal and sometimes the more the reality sets in and the more time that goes by in some ways the harder it can get. He reminded me that I went through this same thing last year around the anniv. of Keara's death but didn't start as early. I talked to my oldest daughter Lauren and she told me that she has been having a really hard time also. The other dy was her Birthday and on the last Birthday she had before Keara wa killed Keara sent her two Birthday cards. I still find it so hard to believe that this has happened and that I am a mother of a murdered daughter.
