I know many of you will be able to relate to this.I feel like I am living a secret life from my family.They see the things I want them to see the trying to be strong me but, what they don't see is the real me the mess I really am.The fight it is to even get out of bed & face another day.I look in the mirror & wonder who is this person looking back @ me.I never had black circles under my eyes before, now they never go away.My eyes stay red from crying.I try so hard to hide the new real me only my 3&4 yr.olds really know that all I do is cry all day.I feel like I am going backwards.I was doing better now I feel like I am right back where I started.Its been 17 months today.The thought of going through years of this pain is so unbearable to me.I know we go through the ups & downs but,I am just falling down lower & lower right now.Well, I guess i've cried myself out for now my head is pounding. Now i'll take a deep breath & try to go back to my secret life now, the one that I am trying so hard to potray.I'll see just how deep down I can try to stuff all the pain that no one wants to see.I'll put on my make-up (I wonder if anyone noticed that I wear it so heavy now to hide the dark circles),brush my hair and go on with my day.I may even try a fake smile.Well, maybe not thats not my strong suit.None the less I will fake life for the rest of the day until everyone goes to sleep then I can let the real me back out(do they notice I don't sleep).
My love & prayers to you all

Vickie,
for perhaps a year after my son was murdered I did not sleep, every three days perhaps from exhaustion probably. I developed health issues, (Blood Pressure,high cholesterol etc) and my doctor suggested I take anti-depressants. I told him nothing could make me feel better, but if I could just get a good nights sleep that would help. My doctor prescribed Ambien and it is wonderful.
Nothing takes away the pain of our loss, but I was going insane from lack of sleep. I understand exactly what you mean when you say 'secret life'. We all put on a front for others to see and to be strong for our surviving family.
I don't wear makeup anymore and look like a raccoon most days. Someone said to me at work the other day that my purple eyeshadow looked good with my top. I laughed and said I don't wear makeup, I could really care less, but have noticed the darkness is not so bad when I sleep better. Lack of sleep can only add to the stress and grieving you are going through. Please do try to at least get something to help you sleep at night. I still work and I buy them from Sam's club for $12.00 for a 30day supply. No prescription plan needed and you don't have to be a member of Sams to purchase from their pharmacy. My prescription plan at work had me paying $80.00 every other month
I am approaching the 4th year without my oldest and cannot believe I have made it this far without him. The pain sometimes is so indescribable to people who have not suffered such a loss. They cannot ever understand, nor would I want them to. Just last night my daughter said to me she did not want to go on without her big brother and she is just so lost. Of course I had my 'fake life' face going as my heart was secretly breaking all over again. We talked openly for some time and I kept from breaking down in front of her to help lift her up. She is having a somewhat better day today, but that is the nature of suffering such a loss and that is I think a lifetime of grieving. However that being said, the MOMs site uplifts me in ways I cannot explain, just some times a way to vent and understand I am not alone in this. I don't know what else to tell you except that I pray for you and all the MOMs nightly before I go into my drug induced coma to enable me to cope with the next day. And here it is another day and I am still here.

Luv n hugs
Kay

Dear Vicki
I write this tonight with a heavy heart.I had an extremely bad past 24 hrs thinking about Nicky and how I miss him and want him here with me.I too had to put on "the Face" as this morning was grandparents day at my grandsons school.Being there I couldn't help but remember Nicky age 4 standing on that very stage for his school play and how he belted out his song about the Lord "honey in the rock".We as a family sang this song before they lowered the lid on his casket.But no one wants to see your tears so you wipe them away and try to carry on with your day.I gave up wearing makeup as it just drips down my face some time during the day.When I get so down and out I have recently started thinking about the bad times Nicky went through instead of the good times.I think about these because I need some verification that he is happier now than he ever would have been here.I never have to worry again about an illness or a hurt or a car accident or getting in with the wrong crowd or tears that he may have shed.The Lord has promised that there will be none of these things in Heaven, just sheer JOY and HAPPINESS.It is us that are walking around in despair,our children are doing GREAT.Then I pray that peace will enter into my life and I too will be able to see he is fine and would be terribly unhappy knowing I think of him only with tears.These little mechanisms that we create are the very thing that make us get up in the morning and robotically go about our day.It seems like we are all in the same boat and it starts to sink due to the overload of sadness and there aren't enough life preservers to go around ,so we share and are able to survive if even for a little while till the next wave comes along and then it's the next persons turn to share their life preserver.I'm throwing you mine to share Vicki, grab hold and don't let go.This big puzzle that we try to finish ,well, our child is the missing piece, and one day that puzzle will be complete and we will understand God's infinite wisdom in this madness we are going through.Who else am I going to trust? And so I leave you with this:
The Lord Jesus Christ said,
Come unto Me,all ye that
Labour and are heavy laden
And I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28
Love you lots! God bless and many many hugs your way Barb

I can't even add anything, I live this too every day. It seems like the pain is just so deep down inside and you have to hide it from everyone. They all think you should be "better" now and don't understand we will never be better, never be the same and just pretend that we are "normal". I cry every night sometimes I can't even say my prayers because every time I do I just lay there and cry and can't sleep. It's unbearable. I think the same as Barb does, how I think all the bad stuff, I try and always look at the good things, but the bad always seems to take over, why is that???? I try and believe that he is ok and doesn't have to live thru this suffering world anymore and the hardships we are faced with, now especilly with the way things have gotten, more violence, loss of jobs, the economy being so terrible as it is. I just pray my other boys will be ok, I know Timmy is with God but still want him here with me. I miss him so much. Try and hang in there, I think it is just our way of coping. No one else understands and never will unless they walk in our shoes.

God Bless
Bette
Timmy's mom

I have a secret life too and I have a new face. I am just glad I don't have to look at it. ;) I keep thinking to myself, it just gets harder. Everyday is harder. I never left the house without makeup on before and now I could care less if I have it on. I don't sleep unless I fall asleep from pure exhaustion. I do most things on autopilot and if you tell me something, in the amount of time it takes to blink I will have forgotten what you said. Not that I don't care what was said, but my mind is somewhere else. I know some of you will not believe it but I am a private person. I can share my happiness, fun, joy, all of that but my pain is private to me so I hide it. This is the only place that I can let that pain show because ya'll understand it. I cry everyday and I never was one who was easy to cry. Now it feels like I have to fight to NOT cry all day long. I feel so drained all the time from trying to keep up this facade. Trying to not make other people uncomfortable and feeling like I care more for them then they care about how I feel. Trying not to have my son see me broken all day every day. Trying to be strong for my family so they don't feel they have to tell me that it will get better. It won't. An Aunt I hadn't heard from in awhile and thought I had been close to emailed me the other night and I was honest about how I felt and she answered back telling me it was great we were moving and focusing on that. Even though I had also said that I felt like I was drowning in grief and that I was NOT doing well. I heard how she knew how I felt because she ALMOST lost a child 20 years ago, ALMOST. Somedays I live my secret life so I don't have to listen to the attempts to make me feel better. Know what would make me feel better? Listening while I talk about Kaylin. Tell me that I have a right to feel the way I do. Don't tell me it will get better, tell me that you will be there if I need to talk. This seems to be one death that doesn't ease with time. I find that lately it has been becoming real to me. I look at her pictures of her and I think, there will never be another one, there will never be another hug, argument, laugh, clothes in the floor, it is all gone. I pretended for so long that she was "just away" and would be back. Now I know she will never be back and it gives me panic attacks. I guess we will live a secret life from now on. My dogs know what I really feel. They are the ones there every time I cry my eyes out. They get up with me when I can't fall asleep because I can't turn my brain off. Even when I dream now I feel like I am trying to connect with her and am working so hard to try to find her in my sleep. Didn't need to make it so long but your thread is so true. I hate this life.

Ah yes the secret life I too hold my feelings in sometimes I feel like I will explode. One time when my dad was in the hospital things looked really bad for him and I started crying, when he got better he looked at me and said "I knew it was bad when you started to cry." I am so much like dad in that way always the strong one (NOT) I just hide it better than most. I too think about all the things I will never have to worry about with Jim. Like the wheelies and all his other crazy stunts. I don't have to worry that something will happen to him and he will never come home again, because I know now he will never come home again. I get mad when I see or hear motorcycles I always think that should be Jim out having fun on his bike this is so unfair. And the forever persistent WHY MY SON!!!
I love you gals don't know what I would without ya.
Big Jim's Mom
Shirley

As always I knew all of you would understand how I am feeling.I thank you all for all the support you give me.I know I don't have to hear about how I should be getting past this ect. We know the truth on that subject. I hate to report that last week one of my fiancee's life long family friends son was murdered in K.C.,MO. (where Andre' was murdered) I don't really know them I have met them.Andre' knew one of the younger sons.We will be going to the funeral on Monday.I don't know how I will get through this one but,I think it is important as, I truley know how this mother feels.As,I said I don't really know her well but,I will try to let her know I am here for her and I know a bunch of really great moms that will be there for her if(when) she needs us!Please pray for her.Her name is Trina and her son is Cedrick.
As always you are all in my thoughts and prayers!
Vickie/Andre's mom