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M.O.M.S (Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters)
I have a question. Right after Kaylin died I didn't dream at all. Then slowly I began dreaming and I would know I dreamed about her but couldn't remember what the dream was. Only that I dreamed and she was in it. Then I would remember what I dreamed on occasion. This last week though, I have been having horrible dreams. I don't sleep much anyway and have had horrible insomnia and feel like a zombie. Wednesday morning I finally dozed off between 2 and 3 and I woke my husband up because I was screaming for help. Now I have had bad dreams in my life but not like this. I had a horrible horrible dream about her and it was almost like in a way I was reliving what you must have felt and I couldn't help her. I know I saw her and I couldn't breath, and the feeling of knowing I couldn't breath and not being able to get help. Kaylin died because her respiratory system slowed down until it stopped. I don't know if she suffered. I do know the psychic who knew so much said she felt like she was suffocating and that was the feeling I had. Then last night when I finally fell asleep I dreamed that we were back at the funeral home in Los Angeles and I could see her the way she looked before they did the repair to her body. It just feels like I am reliving it more the last few days. I feel it is because of her birthday coming up and knowing that this is the first one we have to face. Do any of you experience this when an "event, holiday, anniversary" is coming up? For the holidays I just felt so down that I didn't feel like I could hold my head up or stand up straight. I look like crap and if the circles get any bigger I won't be the beautiful MOM you all know from the chat room. :) (Laura, Nanci, Julie) I guess I am just wondering if this is being triggered by her birthday or if I am going nuts. I look in the mirror and it is like I am aging before my eyes.
We are aging due to the stress and constant pain we are in. We think about our babies every second of every day but are forced to perform the way society wants us to so they can be comfortable. It is only when we are alone or at night when we sleep we are "allowed" to let that emotion out or express itself fully. It is like it is bottled up all day and then when it comes out it is like a hose being turned on after the water being held back for so long..that is how I feel. This is especially true on days that require my attention fuller...it is as if I haven't had the time I needed during the day to grieve enough for her so it is worse at night. The dreams I believe are definitely what we are keeping bottled up and I do believe they are related to the events in our life and our fear of what our babies must have endured as well as what we are projecting to be their last moments. Melanie dreams of her sister quite often and it is always the same...she is telling her Lisa I am so sorry but you are dead..Lisa always refuses to believe this in her dreams. Even AV has dreamed about her...AV was hugging her and telling her she was so glad she was back...Lisa laughs and says Where did I go. Melanie will tell her that one of these times you have to stop running through my dreams and talk to me...but we know how our kids were. Kim I too have had some bad dreams and many were related to the horrible facts of her death from the pictures to the ME report. Perhaps it is the inability to accept/process the reality of what happened as we never could have imagined this would ever happen to anyone we know let alone our own children. I am sure it has alot to do with her birthday approaching as it must be overwhelming the emotion of that day approaching and the bond being stolen away from us so suddenly. Just the other day when making a kimi and it was a First Birthday in Heaven for Nicky the horrible realization that our beautiful Lisa has already spent her first birthday in heaven the day after she was murdered took me right into that emotional state where you can't breathe and it feels like your chest is going to collapse..I just never looked at it like that before and it just devasted us. While it will be one year it will actually be her second birthday in heaven...a special bonus for us thanks to the murdering pathetic coward that took her life. As far as the chat room...just don't get a web cam and you will still be in..you will look like the rest of us on the left side of the chat room. If the room is full you will be luckier yet because if some moms (not mentioning any names) don't scroll down they won't even see you...lol...sorry Ms Chicago.
Love & Hugs...Laura & AV
OH DEAR KIM HOW I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING.I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR LAST WEEK AND SAID WHO IS THIS OLD ,OLD WOMAN STARING BACK AT ME? I TOO NEVER DREAMT OF NICKY AND WAS JEALOUS OF THOSE WHO HAD.I PRAYED EVERY DAY THAT IF I COULDN'T HOLD HIM HERE THAT I COULD HOLD HIM IN MY DREAMS.MY KIDS DREAMT OF HIM ALL THE TIME AND WOULD TELL HIM NICK YOU'RE DEAD AND HE SAID NO I'M NOT HE ACTUALLY WOULD GET MAD AT THEM IN THE DREAM.ANYWAY I DID FINALLY DREAM OF HIM AND HE LOOKED VERY DIFFERENT AND WHAT DO I DO BUT WARN HIM OF HIS FATE AND TO HIDE.AND THEN HE WAS GONE.MY HUSBAND ASKED LAST WEEK WHAT WOULD BE THE ONE THING YOU WOULD SAY TO NICKY IF YOU HAD ONE MORE THING YOU COULD SAY WELL THEY ALL SAID I LOVE YOU I SAID DON'T OPEN THE DOOR.IT WAS A GIVEN THAT I LOVED HIM BUT IT WASN'T A GIVEN THAT HE WOULD BE MURDERED BY 3 ANIMALS.WITH NICKY IT WAS HIS HEART KIM THEY CARDIAC MASSAGED IT WHICH MEANS THEY REMOVED HIS HEART AND MASSAGED IT,SQUEEZED IT WITH THEIR HANDS.I KEPT FEELING ALL WEEK LIKE MY HEART WAS SQUEEZING TILL IT WOULD BURST.I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A HEART ATTACK,SO I QUESS YOU MAY BE RIGHT MAYBE WE ALL ARE FEELING OUR CHILD'S DEATH THE WAY THEY DID.HIS BIRTHDAY WAS 2 DAYS AGO SO MAYBE THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.HANG IN THERE KIM WE WILL TRY TO RIDE THIS OUT WITH YOU.ALL THE MOMS SURE DID COME TO MY RESCUE.WE LOVE YOU LADY GOD BLESS BARB MANY MANY HUGS TO YOU
First I gotta say sorry bout leaving the chat room I got the boot and when I finally got back in you were gone.
I have only had one dream with Jim in it he was on his motorcycle sitting way up on a hill all I could see was his outline in the fading sun but I knew it was him. That was it if I dream at all I don't remember maybe that is a good thing. I get those images in my waking hours sure don't want them in my sleep too.
I don't think you are crazy at all and it probably is because of Kaylin's BD coming up. And the trial just all the crap you have to endure.
Glad we got to chat I have missed your humor even when you are having such a hard time you make the rest of us laugh. You are a strong lady!!
Much Love and Many Hugs
I'm so sorry that your having terrible dreams. They leave me with such an awful feeling all day after I have them.
My son Wesley was murdered 4 years ago. Two years ago right before his birthday I had a nightmare that I was being murdered and screamed out loud in my sleep. I do this often but can't remember the dreams. I also moan, whimper, and cry in my sleep. I have no idea that I am making such noise. Every now and then I'll wake up sitting up.
I have had several dreams about Wes that have felt like visitations. I have had the awareness that he is really dead and that I am dreaming. We have hugged and I've kissed him all over his face. He has even laid next to me and I have felt the crunch in his hair from his hair gel.
I believe that children are much more receptive to visitations. Perhaps sometimes they think it's a dream when in fact it could be a visitation. I also believe we moms want so bad to see our murdered child that we somehow cloud the path for them to reach us. I don't mind the nightmares as long as every now and then Wes comes to comfort me.
I pray you have better dreams Kim.
Karen Wes's mom
I've had dreams that I cannot remember that wake me up all night long, and i know Timmy is in them cause when I wake up I know I dreamt of him and go back to sleep and wake up same thing, when I finaly get up I can't remember any of them just that he was in them. I have had maybe 3 that I remember. I know my sons had a few, one which Timmy did tell him that he wasn't dead, same and he smiled. I take that as a sign that he isn't, but living with God and he is still here in spirit. Still doesn't ease my soul though I'd want him here with me all the time. I've had some crazy things happen and I try and say that was Timmy and deep inside I say to myself I wish he really was here and I could hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him. I think of those moments he must have felt that night over and over again in my mind. It's been worse lately every day I think, what did he feel, was he scared, did he know what was going to happen, did he say anything? It eats me up and I still can't help but think these thoughts. Some times I think dreams are just like what Laura said it's a release because we have no other way, we have to pretend we are normal in front of everyone because that's what is expected of us, no one understands what pain we are living, and then at night our brains just go on a rampage. I think that is why I've been feeling what i've been feeling the dreams, not remembering them, waking up at that same time and thinking that when I did wake up!
I wish I was better at explaining things, and hey, what about me in chat LOL, no you guys wouldn't want to see my ragged face, I have circles and my hair is a mess I need it cut so bad!!!! Thank God no camera for me LOL
I dreamed that she told me she knew about the house and us moving and that she was going with us. :) The dream started out bad because it was at the funeral home in L.A but I was glad she said she knew we were moving and was coming too.
I have had those kinds of dreams also Kim and it is horrible. I know just what you mean. I do think we get more down as birthdays, anniversary dates, holidays approach and are probably more receptive to dreams like that. It has been almost 3 years since Keara died and I find that I don't have those nightmares as often. I think for awhile we are in so much shock that we haven't fully absorbed what happened. This is such a difficult process to go through. What you are going through is normal under these circumstances but it doesn"t make it feel any better I know.