Today was a real emotional roller coaster. I think I was all over the place today. I am happy that we are moving, it is something that we had been praying about before Kaylin died. It is bittersweet because I want Kaylin to have gotten to live with us there. I want to know she was there and that can't happen. I know she will be there with us someway but I want those memories with her. I just think how excited she would be and she was such an organizer, so I know she would have loved doing that. She was great at it. I am not making a "Shrine" to her but there is going to be a Kaylin room that will have her things in it. I guess I am just rambling. I miss her so much and today it just weighed extra heavy. I am angry that she was taken from us. I feel so sad and I feel such longing to hold my baby and see her and hear her. I know we all go through it and I know that ya'll will understand. I miss her so much. I just want to scream that I am ready to get off this roller coaster and go back.
Kim I know this is going to be hard for you, going thru her things again and packing and unpacking, it is a roller coaster. I know a friend of mine who I met, whose daughter was killed a few months before Timmy, she moved because she could not stay at her house anymore and she said it was so hard and so sad. I have not even put Timmy's clothes "away", they are still in his dresser, I can't even open the drawers I just start crying. I still find things, like abotu a week ago I was down the basement doing wash and I foudn this little "guy" thing. You get them out of the quarter machines, I forget what they are called but it was behind something that I just happend to move and it was just layng there, well I took it up and asked Matt was this Timmy's? and he said oh yeah I remember them, he'd collect stuff like that. So I washed it off and put in on my shelf. You do what you need to do to make yourself feel better, some people need to do shrines and I think that's fine if it helps them live their lives without their children. I heard of people who'd leave their kids rooms the exact way for long time, my boys all shared a room my house is small so finding little things and just holding them and knowing I found a nother little piece of him gives me comfort. I wish I could move, we live right down the street where my son was killed I see it every day I go outside and sometimes have to pass it. It eats me a lttle more each time. Just try and hang in there. We are here for you when ever you need us.
Once again you have nailed it this is like a roller coaster ride up and down. Hope the move goes smooth that is one thing I really don't like to do to much work. We all miss you in the chat room your humor along with all the other moms really brings me up.
Love and Hugs
I love finding things from her, but going through her things just is so hard. I find it odd that I want NEED to know everything about how she died, and how I want her things near me yet just trying to go through them sends me spinning. When I was talking about a shrine, I was thinking that I have been accused of that just because I keep her things (that I HAVE been able to go through) out and around. I have her picture surrounded by purple butterflies where I can see it everyday and at night I kiss it goodnight. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I just don't see it as a shrine but just keeping our kids close, by having what was theirs around. I think it also just makes me angry when people think we should pack them up in a box and "get over it" I'll never in my lifetime "get over" her death. When our children are alive, keeping their pictures and things they made isn't questioned at all, yet when they die some people think we should put away the reminders. What do they think? That if they are out of sight they are out of mind? I just don't understand why people want so bad for us to just move on like nothing happened. Would they? I don't think so. I actually had someone tell me that they were glad to see I had moved on. I said, "What do you mean?" Because they were able to talk to me and I wasn't falling apart to them, I had just moved on. If we are falling apart and can't get through that day then we need to get over it but if we have moments that we hold it together we have moved on. Like every mom here, we just learn a different way of living. I did tell that person that I will NEVER get over her death and move on and if they think I hold it together so well, then come over and see that at 2:00 3:00 a.m I am usually still awake because I can't sleep anymore. Come see the projects I am working on in her memory, Put a spy camera in the room so you can see that when I am alone I am usually in tears, but becuase I don't want to make THEM uncomfortable with my grief, I try to hold it together until I am alone. Hide in my car and see that when I am alone, I am talking to my child and have to stop before I pull in to pick my son up from school so I can wipe away the tears so he doesn't know I cry every day when I leave work until I get him. Well, I am rambling again so I better stop. I wish this was not our life now, but it is.
Kim wow I know exactly what you mean, my own son said that to me once how I was keeping a shrine, well I was like what???? guess what, if I want to keep pictures all over the place and his little things out so I can touch them and remember them, that's just what I'm going to do! Don't let anyone make you feel like you are doing something wrong, because there is no "right" way to grieve a murdered child. You do what you feel you need to do to keep on going. I'm so sorry for your pain, and I know exactly what you are saying. I just wish I could give you a big (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))
Kim, We miss you.
I hated roller coasters as a kid, a teen, an adult and even more now.
When Wes, was murdered they took everything, all that was left were a few pieces of dirty cloths, some work lists, a book or two and a few CD's(that I guess they didn't like)and his climbing belt. As time went on and I found things I thought Wes would like I got them (yepper the heigth of crasiness) but I would have got them if he were alive. I even found a pair of boxer shorts in the park one day and because they had palm trees on them I took them home and they are with the rest of the things that remind me of my son. I have a garden that takes up over an acre in my yard and I grow tropical plants in Arkansas. The list goes on and on and if others don't like it or don't understand that's fine with me, cause that means they have never gone through the agonizing event of losing a child.
We love you and miss you and understand completely.
In love light and loss
KIM, I TOO KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL,YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT WORKS FOR "YOU" AND IF OTHER PEOPLE HAVE A PROMBLEM, IT IS THEIR PROMBLEM.I TRY TO SMELL RICKYS CLOTHES JUST SO I CAN FEEL HIM NEAR.HE LIKED AXE COLONGE.I LOOK AT THE LOCK OF HAIR THE FUNERAL HOME CUT FOR ME TO KEEP.JUST SOOOO MANY THINGS THAT PEOPLE THAT DON'T KNOW HOW WE FEEL THINK I AM CRAZY AND NEED COUSELING.BUT WE UNDERSTAND.I KNOW IT IS SOOOO HARD.SENDING YOU MANY HUGS AND PRAYERS.
OH....I FORGOT TO TELL YOU I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SEND YOU AN E-MAIL AND YOUR MAIL IS FULL....LOL
That is so funny about the shrine thing. One of the first things I told my girls when I was telling them about our visit was an observation about Barb & Bette's house. They got such a big "kick" out of it as Melanie's boyfriend was saying that he was never was in someone's house that had a family member that had been murdered. He said everyone room I go in Lisa is there, here and everywhere. So of course I told my girls how our houses are just like theirs and I demonstrated as if I was walking through their houses...In the living there is Nicky/Timmy..then in this room was Nicky/Timmy and then...well you get the "picture". My girls laughed because every now and then I would say there were some pictures of other family members too but like our house Lisa is everywhere! And so were Nicky & Timmy! I thought it was awesome and told me what I already knew..I am not crazy nor "obsessed" and will continue keeping her everywhere no matter what anyone thinks or wants to call it! Melanie said it best when she said That's okay mom there is plenty of time to add all my pictures that will be taken in the future. From the mouths of babes they used to say! Luv & hugs...
Laura & AV
Dear Kim Only another mother could capture the essence of what you were talking about.Yes we all feel the same way and I was glad you posted it to remind others that I will always miss my child and yes his presence around me is now reduced to pictures or collectibles I may see or find.If anyone thinks I am obsessing too much they ain't seen nothing yet.I haven't even broken the surface to my commerating Nicky.As the fog starts to lift and you are in the reality of the situation I find myself wanting more and more to keep his face and name alive.If not us then who? To put his things away or take pictures down would be saying I don't need you around me anymore,I need to move on well I don't want to move on that way.I'm sorry you are having a difficult time of it,I had a bad week myself,perhaps because his Birthday and Angelversary date are around the corner.I can't believe almost a year has gone by.Bette my own kids can't even look at Nicky's video or visit his grave yet.That's okay everyone grieves in their own way just don't try to stop me from grieving my way.Heck my neighbors should be happy I'm not trying to decorate their houses yet with momentems of Nicky.So kim you go right ahead and keep working on new projects creating a Kaylin room and letting everyone around you who thinks you have "moved on" because you look like your functioning that you will always miss and talk about your child and most of all cry daily for the loss of them.Many Many hugs to you and God Bless Love Barb P.S. I think Laura/AV's visit did wonders for my kids as they saw another mother's pain and longing to hold on to the memories we have been reduced to
Barb I think you hit it for me. Kaylin's birthday is coming up as well and Valentine's. We are a any holiday we gotta celebrate family so knowing that she isn't here and that it won't be long until the first birthday without her. She would have been 21 and we were planning the cliche Vegas trip to stay in the time share she never saw. I think that is weighing on my mind. I will try to get to chat soon. I have been off on my schedule so bad and no one is there when I can finally get on. Why don't you Easteners stay on at 2 and 3 a.m. ? :) Thanks to eveyone who reminded me that I am not crazy. Laura your daughter is right. We get no more pictures to add of our angels so we have to keep out what we have. Kaylin will have a room but she will be throughout the house too. I am already planning my memorial garden that I will finally get to have. That will help since she is not buried here. I think everyone knows now that the purple butterfly symbolizes Kaylin to me. I have found two music boxes with the purple butterflies that make me think of her. I collect music boxes and I know that one of them was her. Just the way it showed up. Thanks MOMS for letting me know I wasn't nuts.....and Nanci, no comment from the peanut gallery. LOL
Thanks to all MOMS - I am so new to this and still have hard time believing reality. I am obsessed with everything about Jay and feel the need to talk about him all the time. I sense that people are so uncomfortable with it but I can't stop. I know I will never be the same. but the deep deep sadness is so hard. I feel like I am driving myself nuts, but I don't care.
Jill you talk about him all you want. I realized talking to my sister the other day that Kaylin is the primary conversation I always have. Where we are at in the court proceedings, what is going on with the things I am doing to make sure she is not forgotten, the t shirts that represent her, the pictures, the memorial site, even the move, where her things will go. We will finally be able to close her storage and have everything at home in HER room. I talk about her all the time, but you know what? I talked about her when she was alive. Why should I have to stop? There are some who are uncomfortable but there are a lot who understand I need to talk about her. I have to admit that many of my friendships have changed. The ones who have always been there still are, the ones who were only passing are gone and I have made new friends here, and in the other groups that I belong too. If there is a POMC near you, try to go. I can tell you that I am pretty independent. Pretty much a we handle our things in private person. You can NOT do that when you lose a child. You NEED the support of people who know what you are feeling and going through. This is one road that you cannot travel alone or you will not make it. We are here for you and will help you. I have only been on the road 7 1/2 months and I can still remember the first post I did here and how lost I felt. Now when I feel lost I KNOW that here is where I will find help and support. So you do what you need to. Make threads about Jay if you want. We are here to support you and to help you down this awful road we are all on. I am just so so sorry that you have to be here too.
You are so right telling Jill about why shouldn't we stop talking about them. I remember reading that in the book "The Worst Loss" we both read. We are expected to come to a complete halt with our childs life while others continue to talk about their child thinking it might make us feel better if they distract us with their stories. THEY MUST HEAR OUR STORIES ABOUT LISA or don't bother coming over or calling because to be honest in the beginning I really didn't want to hear about any one's kids they still have! Like you said we talked about them our whole life and will continue to and we need to and should never stop doing that!Jill I am so sorry about your son and I know you will find comfort here and can talk about Jay endlessly...just be prepared for what you will find here and in the chat room...we call it Mothers Attention Deficit...others call it disorganazation but we are a little snappier with MAD. Basically when you get us all together we all have one thing on our mind Our son or daughter, of course and that is what we want to talk! Oh don't get me wrong we all listen but then we all have our stories to share and before you know we don't even remember what we were talking about...It is wonderful though because it is just us moms and while hearing and sharing stories breaks your heart about another moms loss it also shows you how many moms are out there that care about you and most importantly that you never have to be alone...we are always here for you...Of course not at some outrageous hour of 2 or 3 in morning...and don't even say it Nanci...as you were up too and then I never even got a wake up call...and why is everyone picking on sweet little ole you! OH and Barb we were so relieved your kids didn't think we were internet stalkers or something or worse yet encouraging you by supporting you in all the crazy moms rituals that we have! Jill many of us have started memory pages through memory of and have found great comfort or obsession in them depending on who you are..I am an obsessor....you can light candles, share photos & videos, make pictures, post poems, tributes & condolensces,etc. We feel like we are connected to Lisa while we are on her page and look forward to the new candles everyday. We have met many wonderful moms on their who have lost their children in many different ways and it is very helpful. Just a thought...Take Care Luv to all!
Laura & AV