Our children were stolen from us and now we are trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and mend our wounded hearts. I don't know about you but this is the most exhausting work I've ever done and so often i don't even know what I'm doing. I trudge through the days and I somewhat function but I grieve. I not only grieve over those I've lost over the last few years but I grieve the loss of myself. I don't know me anymore and the me I am becoming acquainted with is not anyone I even recognize. I have gotten to know some of you much better lately and you are all such good women and I can't help but ask myself why us? I write letters to Keara and I found myself asking her why? She didn't answer me though. I just want to say I love you all am so sorry that this has happened in all of our lives. Our children didn't deserve this and neither did we.

Darien, I wonder that too. I often find myself trying to figure out what I did to deserve this. This is a pain I never wanted to feel and yet, here it is. I sometimes long for the way life used to be. Now my life is about getting justice and making sure that another mom doesn't have to feel this. I have asked God, "Why my daughter?" I know we all ask the same questions. I now feel I have a mission and it is because my daughter died. I cannot let her death be in vain and I will not let it be. With m last breath I will be making sure she is remembered. I miss her so much. When I want to stop and curl up and die, I think if I do who will make sure Kaylin is remembered? I still find myself not believing that this has happened. I want so bad for it to be a dream. I never wanted anything so much in my life.

Darien I feel the sameway,I am lost forever,I sometime's get made at God and I know that sounds bad but I do and I do tell God I'm very sorry but I just don't understand why us and why do the bad people that to our kids,in somany ways they have took our life too,I pray and pray but no answers at all not one,I need my son and you moms need your angels this is a sad sad life. Much love my sister's Terry Cedric's mom

Dear Darien Unfortunately you will never be the same person you once were.I feel it pointless to look for her anymore,she's not there.Like Kim I don't want my child's life to have been lost in vain.I feel even stronger that the murderers will not take one more thing from me and that is why I get up in the morning.I also want to be a better person than I was before my son died,different yet better.This is my goal,and I feel he cheers me on with each new break through.As far as feeling he isn't answering me well I believe he is so happy and busy with his new life that there's no time to constantly answer me,but he lets me know he's always with me in my heart.Remember in heaven there is no time factor it is just us here on earth who feel the days drag on.With each breath you take remember that is Keara is cheering you on.God bless and many many hugs your way Love Barb

I know what you mean. In our case it was about money. Money that is gone and will never be recovered. A life that we will never be with until we die. A wonderful person with his life ahead of him, happy go lucky and in love. All gone, all of it. It ruined his Mother's life, his Fathers life, one of his brothers. A beautiful girl in love and ready to start her life had to grieve before their lives were even given a chance. It broke our hearts to know this happened and there was nothing we do to to stop it. We all felt like we had let him down because one greedy SOB wanted what he had. He will not get the death penalty but I hope they rape him prison and beat him. As many times as possible. I even hope they blind him. I have not been able to forgive him for what he did and nearly lost my mind, I even stayed away from church, started drinking and nearly hit rock bottom. I can only say, that our family went through so much pain. Sometimes I thank God My Mother is gone, this would have eaten her up inside.
The Mom's here are good listeners, they know the pain.

Darien,
How true and so very sad your heartfelt words are. Our lives are shattered while we envy those who still have theirs. As they look at us and wonder why we can't just pick up the pieces and continue on our merry way so they can be "comfortable" around us. We are all starting a new & lonely journey down this road discovering the new us and wondering why we bother, why did it happen, why? why? why? I don't question one thing and that is why we met...one is because it is so sad & heartbreaking knowing that answer. I am glad that we have all met each other and can be there on this road to provide comfort, understanding and friendship for each other. Unlike others we can value that friendship more than those we envy because they couldn't possibly know what it means to us and how much we cherish it. Know that we will always be there for you and are just an email or phone call away. I can't wait for the day when we can give you a great big hug and puppy kisses to your little "babies". Luv ya...Laura & AV

Darien,
I felt compelled to reply to your post as I am compelled to come to the MOMs website and read my thoughts and pain come to life in another mothers post. There has not been one day since my son was murdered that I am not talking to him and expecting answers. They come in the most unlikeliest of moments. Just the other day I had a conversation with him and asked him to send me a sign that I was not crazy and just talking to myself. Well when I got home that evening there was a bill in his name in the mailbox. It was his cellphone bill and I knew that was my sign that he is near always. I too get angry with God and have to remind myself that God did not take my son MAN did. But then I think God could have chosen to save him and there I am again mad all over. Life will never be the same for us and time is now measured in before Joshuas murder and after his murder. I pray nightly that I will dream of him and see his handsome face, most nights that does not happen, but there are rare occasion when I do remember my dream and he is there with me. I am so thankful for this website to know that other MOMs truly understand what I am going through and I am not so alone in the world just drifting and letting time pass me by. I put on a front for the world to see and get lost in this sea of grief which noone can comprehend except another mother who is lost at sea with me. Like ships passing in the night I feel we MOMs are shouting words of encouragement to keep another 'ship' afloat. I listen, I hear and I understand. Darien you are not alone and life has forever changed for us all. I live to see the day that justice is served for my Joshua by whatever means necessary. I pray nightly for all our angels and the families who do not deserve this pain. Know we are joined by grief beyond solace to all other MOMs.
Luv n hugs
Kay