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Why do I torture myself?

I don't know why but this morning I felt compelled to look at Keara's autopsy report again and now I feel so sick. How could that monster do that to my baby who he supposedly loved? I don't think I read the report before where all the details sunk in like they did today. Now I just feel traumatized all over again. Am i crazy or what???

Re: Why do I torture myself?

Darien:

I don't think it's that we are torturing ourselves, we just need to know exactly how and why our children died. I wish I could explain why we feel so compelled to know all those details, the way I look at it is, were are their mothers and we just need to know.

I don't think you are crazy at all, because then I would have to admit that I was crazy. Just remember we are all here for you with our thoughts, prayers, love and of coarse cyber hugs.

Stop in and chat tonight if you get a chance we miss you in the chat room.

Love ya
Nanci/Travis' Momhf

Re: Why do I torture myself?

Hello Darien, you pulled out the report and read it, because your heart is looking for an answer, looking for a reason, your trying to make some kind of sense out of your nightmare, that report should never be read again by you, her Mother, Moms should not inflict that kind pain on themselves over and over again, only God has the answers to such Evil deeds, all we as moms can do is hold on to our minds and the memories that we alone carry with us, when you feel the need to search, Stop and do like I do , I drive to town to find fresh flowers ( hard to do in Minnesota ,in the winter,-14 ) but I put fresh flowers next to my favorite picture of Tommy,fresh live flowers seem to make me feel happy when I look at them next to him, I don't know Darien, I may have lost my mind a while back, I feel your pain , I know all to well how your heart is longing for Keara, our babies are gone for now and it's hard trying to live without them, I was at the mall yesterday and I watched this young mother with her 2 little kids, she was being so mean to the little boy jerking him around by the arm and he was crying I wanted so bad ( my daughter wouldn't let me)to grab her and tell her how lucky she is to have her beautiful child and that she would not treat him that way if she knew what it would be like to have him taken from her life. well I'm carrying on now so , please hide the papers from yourself buy her some pretty flowers and ask God to handle what you can not. he will. and in time all will be reveled. ...LOVE and PRAYERS TO YOU and FOR KEARA....Jackie

Re: Why do I torture myself?

Darien,
Believe me you are not crazy at all, I too have read and reread Jimmy's autopsy report and probably will read it again and again over the years of the rest of my life. I am looking for an answer that I will probably never find, I want to know why the bullet traveled through his body at the angle that it traveled I keep thinking maybe I missed something so I read the report again.
Just know you aren't alone we all have so many questions about our angels and search for answers however and where ever we think we may find them.
Sending a Great Big Hug your way
Jimmy's Mom
Shirley

Re: Why do I torture myself?

Well Darien if you are crazy then I am too. The only way I can describe the reason I do it is because I am trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. My brain needs it to make sense in some way so I keep trying to find an answer that my heart knows can never be found. We put band aids on them, and sat up with them when they were sick,we had them vomit on us and poop or pee on us and we knew it came with the territory. Now we cannot fix this and I just think we need to try. A process was broken and our minds cannot comprehend it and it keeps trying to complete the process of taking care of them. So I guess we are all crazy then. I have found myself trying to stay increasingly busy. Oh I still think of her in everything I do, but there is a feeling that if I stop for one second I will lose my mind completely. It still hits me at the strangest times that she is gone. I was looking at her picture a few nights ago and the thought, that I needed to add more pictures to her website went through my mind. Then I lost it when it struck me that all of the pictures I now have, will be the only ones now. There will never be a new picture of her. My heart aches knowing that.

Re: Why do I torture myself?

Kim,

Today I was looking at the picture of Me, Jimmy and Sandra when we had gone to get Christmas trees in 07, the thought that struck me was this is the last picture ever taken of Jim (one week before his murder) and it is the last picture that will ever be taken of him. Just to much to pain.
Jimmy's Mom

Re: Why do I torture myself?

Darien,
Know that our thoughts are with you and we understand, maybe can't explain, but do understand that each mother must do what they are compelled to do to get through each minute of each day. And what mother needs to do could be totally the opposite of what another needs with neither one being wrong. There is no right or wrong for us when it comes to dealing with this. What is so very wrong is that our loved ones were so wrongfully taken away from us and left us so brokehearted and devasted. Any way we can pick up pieces of our lives we have left to get to tomorrow is what we have to do. Take care and give the little guy a kiss from us! Love & hugs Laura & AV