As Christmas approaches I feel that all I am doing is surviving. It has been 2 yrs. 8 months since Keara was murdered and I still dn't feel alive. I go through the motions and try to be grateful for who and what I should be grateful for but the pain is still so intense and there is such a void. This is all so unfair. Keara didn't deserve this. Watching her children growing up without her is so difficult. I am going to my sister's for Christmas but I honestly rather jus stay in my PJ's all day. Most of the people in my life think I should be OK by now and I am so tired of hearing that. I feel myself being angry towards people and thinking "that's easy for you to say" I wish people would just let me grieve how and for how long I need to. I feel just paralyzed lately and I am definitely not in the Christmas spirit!!
I feel the same way now when anyone asks how I'm doing I say well I just survived one year. That is how I feel I didn't live through the last year I just survived. But we are better that God awful pain is now a dull constant pain, the tears come once a day instead of tears all day, we now are able to smile or even laugh sometimes. So as far as I am concerned we are better much better. As far as being our old selves again that will never happen our lives have been forever changed.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Love and Hugs
Jimmy's Mom
Shirley
Darien I met a 90 year old mother at the candle lighting ceremony we attended dec 14 and her son has been gone 70 years and she still misses him and said that she still survives. Losing a child is a life long grief. Some days that grief may be a little more tolerable but it never goes away and we just learn to put on a face, I call it my "people face" and go on. Shirley is right, we don't live anymore, we survive. I am so ready for Christmas to be over. We are doing the tree for my son but there is no joy in any holiday anymore. Nothing feels the same anymore. Our lives have changed forever and I know when someone asks me what I want for Christmas, I just scream inside....MY DAUGHTER. I just want Kaylin back.
It has been two years and 7 months since Keara was murdered and this "surviving" is just so exhausting!! I hated Christmas. We were at my sister's house whose husband died a year ago on Dec. 2o. Also someone hit my car at the truck stop where me and Keara's children had stopped to get gas. Needless to say we were just one big happy family. In two years Keara was murdered, my ex fiance died of ALS, my mom died and then my brother-in-law. I know I am whinining but that's just how I feel right now. I know my life has changed forever and I just want my beautiful Keara back. I miss her so much. I just ache.
