This is my sixth Christmas without my son and over the years I have changed or stopped doing some things for the holidays and started new ones. It was way too painful to shop for gifts, so I recruited friends and family. I found out that some of my closest girlfriends were more than happy to shop, wrap and label packages for me.My remaining children were happy to buy for their kids( with money from me )so there was something on Christmas from granny and paps.We stopped celebrating on Christmas, choosing to stay in bed (with my head covered under the blankets ) I now have friends and family over Christmas Eve and we have an nontraditional buffet, open gifts and and actually laugh and enjoy ourselves.
My husband has taken over the decorating and I don't say a word when he piles all the toys I have bought over the years on one table, or the tree he picked out is so scrawny that the squirrels laugh when he cuts it down. I am so grateful that over the years Christmas gets easier. Christmas songs still makes me burst out in tears and crowded stores still make me cringe and the longing to hear from my son weighs as heavy on my heart as it did that first Christmas without him in 2002.
We don't get over losing our kids, we get through it. We don't find closure, we transcend. We gravitate towards friends and family who understand why it has been so important to change some of the ways we do things now and except the new after my child's death, me.
As we enter this all so overwhelming time of the year, I will pray that we all find some love, some light and the dignity it takes to make it through our loss.

Kayt:

Thanks for the inspiration. I am not and never have been a big holiday person, but having my daughter and 2 grandchildern I have to force myself to do for them.
Being as I am new on the journey, your words have and will continue to help me to move forward.

As always my thoughts and prayers are with all the MOMS here as we muddle throught this mess.

Hugs to all

Nanci
Travis' Mom

Hello Kayt, I want to wish you Love and Peace in this Holiday Season, you and Lorre were two of the MOMS on the site when I came here in 03'the year my son Tommy was taken, I don't know if I ever told you but I'd like you to know that the support I received from you in that crucial time saved my life and I would like to thank you.(" And if your reading this Lorre, Connie Onna, Kay,and the other wonderful MOMS who held each other up, I Love You All! have a Blessed Christmas,
God is Good and your right Kayt , we don't find closure but we can transcend. I have. Love and prayers and a candle for Wesley. Jackie- Tommy's momma

Kayt, you truly express what each of us experiences I think in one way or another. Christmas is not so joyful for me without my oldest son to share in the love and joy of this season. This our third year without him I will have my middle son put up the tree and let my granddaughter help decorate as we did last year. My heart is just not in it anymore. You are so right, Thank Goodness for family who understand and will step up to help us when we get mired in our grief. Jackie I remember the night I found this site, I was feeling so low and isolated. Noone could understand how I felt, that is until I found this site. I still come most days and read what the MOMs are posting, and cringe when I see another new MOM has found us. There are so many loving, wonderful, caring and giving MOMs here, and yes it was truly a lifeline for me to have found this site. Thanks to Deb for creating and maintaining it for us all. It helps to know in the midst of this awful grief over the loss of our children, that there truly are remarkable kind and caring MOMs who can understand as none other what this journey is like. Wishing all MOMs the best for this holiday season. I love you all!

Kay

My second Christmas without Jim I was so excited about Christmas last year but that excitement ended on December 16th, this year I could care less and If I didn't have my granddaughter coming for Christmas I wouldn't even bother with a stupid tree. I can't get it together at all I just miss Jimmy so much. All I can think about is this time last year he was here. I just want to scream WHY, WHY, WHY!!!!!!!!! Why my Jimmy!!!
Oh S--- now I have myself all upset and crying again.
Love you all
Jim's Mom Shirley

Today I flipped my visor down and there was Kaylin's Hanson Christmas cd. She got it when she was 13 and in love with them but we always played it in the car every year. That was hard to see yet it made me smile thinking of her. I can't listen to it though. I can't listen to any Christmas music and I am dreading this weekend when we will do the tree for my son's sake. I will try to put on a smile and decorate the best that I can for him but my heart is not in it either. I have decided that online shopping is the best for this year. I get panic attacks in the crowds. The thought of Christmas without her is unbearable. I too, think, last year she was here. Last year she was with us when we cut down the tree and last year she danced around to the music and stood under the kissy man and this year she is gone. Last year I was upset with her over something that now is so stupid. I can't get that thought out of my head. I was hoping my son would not want to cut the tree down this year but he does and I see he is struggling now too. He needs me to stay his mama too. Some how we will get through this but it will never be the same and I am ready for it to be over.

It's been really hard for my family this year. the kids, were always together during this time and. I have a really big lump in my throat all the time now. I cry but sometimes the lump just stays there. I threw all the Christmas stuff out. I've been getting these terrible headaches. Like my head is real heavy. I haven't been able to even look at my emails for a couple of days. So much Christmas stuff. I wish it would go away fast. They asked me at work if I was going to the Christmas Party and I said yes. But, I'm not. I just didn't want to say why if I answered no. I learned,,,,,,,,,, I have to lie to get out of having certain conversations. I'm sorry to have to lie but, I can't take it anymore. You have to do this and you have to do that. Well guess what folks??
Patricia Wade don't have to do a darn thing!!!
Sorry, you ought to know me by now!!!
xo

I am really thinking of my babies this year. I am trying to be strong but it has been a tough year. I lost my boys will be 10 years in March and May of 09. The man that killed my kids will be out in 2012 and that hurts already. I just don't understand more then ever how he can get out, I don't get how he does not have to register. He KILLED two people but he don't have to register. And I desided that this is not right so I went to the media. I want to fight for a national registry for murders. I want that to be for you all, I just feel that something has to be done. After xmas it will air in my home state and once I get past here in MN I want to go national.
My story is: That Lee T Langworthy murdered my boys. My baby Carl 8 months old died first and they said that it was sids. Then 6 weeks later when Clay who was 2 died...It hurts to say their names...they concluded that it was murder. On Clay but could not prove on Carl. I was not even 19. They asked for a plee bargain and I oked it didn't want to put my 11 year old sister threw the trial.
I was able to move on after I let go of the anger. My grandma helped me relize it. SHE SAVED ME. I now am married with 4 boys. My husband is a saint to put up with me.
I read your stories and I am sorry for your losses. And wish you a Merry Christmas. I understand your pain and it saddens me that even one other person had to go threw this.
And I am sorry for your losses.
But I beleive that GOD has a plan for us and doesn't make us indure anything that we can't handle.
I think that is what has helped me get threw.
MERRY CHRISTMAS

To all of you old and new to this journey. I love having each and everyone of you in my life. I hate that I had to meet all of you this way but the hues you all have added to my tapestry are as brilliant as the afternoon sun resting on muticoloured landscape we call life.

I remember you Kay, when you first came on, it was very close to the time I found moms. How we all clung to each other like moss to the north side of a tree. How our sorrow, anger and disbelief at what had happened to our children adhered us to each other.

I have stayed over the years hoping to be able to let some of the new moms,stepmoms, aunts and grandmas know that even though they don't think so at the time, things do change, they will be able to catch their breath without it hurting sooo deeply.That with each other we can make it through the holidays and birthdays and deathdays. With all the knowledge and encouragement we can even make it through the justice system which is such a cruel joke to most of us.

I have cried a gazillion tears and I have laughed until it hurt so good. I have kept in touch and even met some of you and hope to meet some more.

Over the years I have come to realise that we all share one huge thing in common we miss OUR KIDS other than that we are all so wonderfully different, we are rich, poor, we are black, white and brown. Some of live in the country (down a long driveway up a steep hill) while other live in the city or suburbs. I have talked to moms who have a PHD while helping another get information on getting their GED.

To Ms.Deb who has made all of this possable and every single one of you this is the best Christmas present ever. I wish for you all Love, Light and the knowledge we will make it and we will see our kids again.

Peace be with you all
Kayt, Wes Matheson's MOM

Kayt,
Very well put...so true about what has brought us all together but we must focus on the fact that thanks to Deb we have found each other and can be there to help each other through this journey. It doesn't seem to matter where we got on the road but just that we are all on it together. I have heard it so many times...Lisa wouldn't or would want it that way but I do believe for her sisters and our family as a whole we must do everything we can so that the "monsters" don't take any more from our lives...the internet shopping is the only way to go...I too can't stand being in the stores but put that computer in front of me and it is almost bearable. We do need inspiration this time of year and you have shown that light down into the dark hole that is trying to swallow us. None of our loved ones would want us to fall into it. So grateful we have found and met all you wonderful moms. Laura & AV

Hi Kayt,
You, Kay,Onna, Diane, Lorre and two or three other moms were here when I first came here, about six weeks after Joshua's murder. Your words are still comforting.
Love,
Yvonne
Joshua Underwood's mom/soulfriend
ps, we have that freakin st supreme court hearing Tuesday,,happy freakin holidays, eh