It didn't work for me. the first Thanksgiving without John. My God. I tried, I really really tried.
I have no one to cook for so I was alone. I walked around like a zombie in the apartment, trying to keep busy. How many times can you dust the dresser??? Well, I got invited to my comadres to eat. I took a shower and got dressed. Cried in the shower. Put my little doggie in his crate and actually went downstairs and got into the car. Brokedown in tears. Took my big fat butt back upstairs, took a sleeping pill and got into bed. Three hours later the phone ringing they wanted to know what happened. I said I just didn't feel good. I know if I had gone I would just sit there and think about John, Julie, Benny. I couldn't do it. At this point it was only 2 in the afternoon. I hated being alone. I tried to watch a Movie, couldn't.......... I took another sleeping pill. Woke up at about 8:30 My brother was calling with his grandbabies. I tried not to cry and to pretend everything was great. By this time, I hung up and couldn't sleep to save my life. I guess I'm the only one that doesn't know what to do. People don't want me around, I'm depressing. I don't even want to be with me. Now that's a scary thought. A-Hem A-Hem you know what I mean.
So now here comes Christmas, Make it go away!
I am sorry, I know how hard it is and don't want to go anywhere on the holidays either. I felt what you said about not cooking for anyone and not knowing what to do. I always cooked turkey for my son Gerrick and never did again since that last Thanksgiving and never will. It is so so sad, I don't know how any of us go through holidays. I try not to go into any stores, I can't handle hearing that Christmas music. Before my Gerrick was murdered I always played Christmas music during the holidays. I feel what you feel and I also prefer to sleep it's just too hard. I still have nightmares though so sleep is sometimes no relief for me. I wish I knew what to say but I don't.
I think about JoJo alot, how is he doing? I hope ok.
Take care Patricia, my thoughts are with you always.
I think it is so nice how much you care and miss John. Some family members don't even want to talk about our murdered loved one and that bothers the hell out of me. I want you to know that you are not the only one that doesn't know what to do, sometimes it amazes me that I am still here living. Love to you and JoJo.
I don't know how any of us really made it thru thanksgiving I just know I woke up the next day.I decided not to do the whole family thing and cooked at my house for just me and my kids and hubby.I set dinner for 2 and we ate.I have never eaten at 2 in my life but I wanted it over early so dinner at 2 bed by 3.Depression is my own sleeping pill.I can now sleep for hours and hours.Gone are the warm fuzzy feelings I used to get when a holiday approached.That will be lost forever I'm sorry to admit.Thank God no one else in my family wanted more from me that day as I'm not the first one who fell asleep.I just walked around and around lost.So i guess this is how it will be from now on.I wish you would join us in the chat room some night I do actually relieve alot of stress in there.It is a comfort to know that like the forum there is caring loving hurting MOMS who are the only ones I can talk to sometimes.Well many hugs your way.God Bless Barb/Nicky's MOM P.S. On a lighter note it doesn't sound like you hit anyone so I guess that's something to be thankful for (chuckle chuckle)
I'm so sorry you were alone. Sometimes it would feel better to just go to sleep, but really it's better to get out there and force yourself to be with people. I took antidepressants for the whole week before just to function and keep up the pretense that everything was ok. It's funny even though there were people all around me, I still felt alone. It's hard to get past the isolation we surround ourselves with. It was hard but I try not to ruin everyone else's day. I know they are feeling hurt too, but somehow its worse for me, its a Mom thing.
Well, one day down, and 2 more coming up. Just want to sleep till January. One day at a time I guess.
Donna, Randys mom
I cooked, but only because I am trying to keep things as normal as I can for my 13 year old. I didn't want to. I kept going over and over my menu feeling like I was forgetting something, then it donned on me it was WHO was missing, not WHAT was missing. I kept waiting for her to come in the door. I had to watch myself and my husband would nudge me because I kept staring at her empty plate. Well, her pup kept sitting there and I let her. I don't like dogs at the table but I let her so the chair would not be empty. I envisioned her sitting in Kaylin's lap. That evening we attached her letters and a daisy to the balloons and went out and we each let our balloon go to her. It was peaceful since there was no wind. They went straight up into the star filled sky. I had to go cry a lot. The day after was something she looked forward to shopping. I couldn't do it. I drug myself out about 3 to get my son the one thing he has asked for. I hated the mall and the music. I used to love it and have my house decorated by now. I don't want to have Christmas at all but my son needs me to hold it together for him. I am ready for the holidays to be over. I slept so much this weekend too. I went to sleep at 4 pm yesterday and dragged myself out of bed at 6:30 this morning. I can feel I am sinking and I am trying not too but I don't know how long I can keep my head above water.
Man, and I thought I was alone.
I thought the whole world was out there doing the normal thing. They put JoJo on disability. He believes he is bipolar. He has not drank since the last incident. David told me he was going to send him to Georgia with me. I told David not to. I can't handle JoJo. No body can. he just turned 25 and should be in charge of his life. Jimmy is 16 and is more of an adult than JoJo. Jimmy even has a job. JoJo can't work. I guess. I feel so sorry for him. David is buying my sisters truck and is putting together a lawn mower shovels rakes and said he is going to send his son Marco and JoJo to clean yards.
We'll see how that works out.
Everyday that gets closer to christmas is killing me, that's the last time I ever heard Johns voice. He spent several summers with me for years, that's why I was so close to him. Isn't it crazy how Julie sepent summers with me then she died now John. Teresa, Jackie and marco spent summers with me too. I hope they stay safe. I'm glad some of you cooked. I can't, I'm just pathetic. This morning one of the girls at work asked me how my thanksgiving was. You know what I said. Absolutely terrific. You know why I said that? I bet you do! Because I didn't want to tell the truth and then listen to her say oh you should be thankful for this and that and do this and that and on and on. To Haley with it! The only place I can be real is on this web site. I don't even think I can go to confession. My God I've become such a compulsive liar. I would leave the priest with his toes curled up. I do have one thing I find comfort in. My tea cup Yorkie, Poochie. That's it. I'm happy for you that have more children. They keep you alive. You need them. I ate three pieces of pie that was in the frig here at work. What a pig. But it was pumpkin and it was John's favorite. I always made at least a dozen pumpkin pies at Thanksgiving. Oh well, I guess I'm venting again cause I'm so lonely. I hate being around people anymore. I get tired of what they say. At least you Mom's don't tell me stuff like that. this will be our first Christmas without John. God please keep emailing me and make me forget it's Christmas. I don't think I can stand it.
Thanks again for sharing ,,,,,,,,,,, xo
Patricia I told everyone I had a nice quiet Thanksgiving. I did the same thing, but it wasn't nice, it was quiet, but too quiet for me. I was pretty much alone the whole day. My neighbor wound up not coming to my house even though it was planned, my son came home late and dinner was cold, then he went out to the Eagles game. I went to a friends for about an hour and came home and sat there most of the day by myself. I feel the same way who wants to be around me, I'm depressing, I'm sad all the time, i try I really do try, but then I get to a point that I just wind up leaving early because it's just to much to handle. You are not alone. and I do not wish for Christmas either, I feel nothing of any kind of joy, this year seems harder to me, maybe because I'm not numb anymore. I don't even want to hear music. I put the decorations up for my son. My other son is still away, maybe if he was here it would be better, then maybe not. I know my oldest has taken things really bad and had no one being away to talk to. Now at least I think anyway he is getting some kind of counseling. I'm hoping he will be home before my other son goes into the Nat'l guard. I cannot imagine being all alone, I will go crazy. Hang in there it's the only thing we can do at this point.
My youngest daughter Leigh came with her family and we got Keara's children and went to my neice's house for dinner. My family is not getting along with each other and it is so sad. Between Keara's mirder, my mom's death my brother in laws death and my Dad now dying everyone is so stressed!! I made it OK until Leigh and her family left on Sunday and then had a major breakdown. Watched a sad movie and just sobbed. The support group I started seems to help some. At least I don't feel so alone but it still all just sucks. It is hard to get from one day to the next and I feel so totally exhausted. Sometimes I think all we can do is put one foot in front of the other!! And sometimes the feet don't work very well. I haven't heard from you in awhile. I love you. Darien
I stopped calling everybody a while back. I think last time I called you I was drunk as a skunk. I don't even have your phone number anymore. I have stopped drinking, I haven't had a drop for over a month now. I still cry, still cuss, still scream in the pillow and yes if I was on the phone with you probably still in the same ole funk. Seems like everything is the same, how do you say, different day same ole crap! Are the grandkids doing ok?
You know, I try to think of other things, I mean other than John's murder. It's like it won't go away. Like he's holding on or something is holding on. The trial is suppose to start in January or begining of February. I plan to be there, somehow. I don't know how long the trial lasts. does anybody know? can anybody tell me? How does that work? I want to be there the whole time but I'm not sure I can because of my job.
Bette, I'm not putting up a tree for the first time In my life. I actually threw the tree and all the decorations away when I moved. Even my big angel. I still can't believe I did that. I gave two of my yorkies away too. I think I've lost my mind. I really wish I could snap out of it. Just be my old self.
Maybe after the trial. I hope they get life in prison since I already know they won't get the death penalty. Whish is something I don't understand. You can beat and strangle someone with a dog chain, yet you are allowed to live, eat, crap, smoke, watch TV, read, write letters, get visitors. It's not fair, you're right it's not fair. John's body is in a casket under six feet of dirt. He can't do any of those things.
Crying to hard got to stop.
God help us
Today when I took everything to the Postal Annex to mail to my sister for kaylin's grave, I saw Hallmark next door. They had little gingerbread house decorations and I thought, last year I would have run in and bought one and then got another decoration. One for each child you know. This time I wanted to scream! I wanted to yell at that monster and tell him he took everything. Everything! Our baby, our hopes and plans for the future, even our joy at things that used to bring such happiness. Now all we have are our memories. I am so thankful for the memories, they get me through some tough times but I cannot hold my memory. My memories cannot hug me back. They cannot tell me they love me or argue with me that I am old fashioned. Kaylin and I used to love setting out all the set out decorations and turning them on and listening to my husband say, "We don't need all these things playing and singing." Laughing at his "grump charade." I miss her emailing me her list and making sure I knew just which gift she wanted to be from Santa. Watching all the specials with her and singing along to "Put one foot in front of the other." I miss HER. I miss her laugh and HER joy over the holiday. Her compassion and caring and wanting to make sure a child who might be forgotten was not. I just want Christmas over and I hope and pray I have the strength to do the best I can for my son. I want his memories to be happy ones too but this year I think I can only do so much. I will try but I can't do the whole shebang like before. I have decided that I am not sending out Christmas cards this year. I cannot bear to write just three names. My husband said that our friends and family will understand and if they don't then to heck with them.
Well, JoJo got drunk last night again and David called me. He said JoJo is leaving this morning. He's sending him to Phoenix. He said he tried to talk to him and JoJo said he wanted to be dead. I tried to talk to him, it didn't do any good. My heart is killing me. I want him to be ok, I want him to live, we can't bring John back. We can't do anything. We can't even be a family anymore. God I just want to stop hurting for a little while. I want to talk to somebody but I can't. People don't understand. Oh nevermind,,,,,,,,,,, God help us.
Patricia I feel your pain. My daughter Jody was murdered on June 3, 2007 so this is my second year to go through Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. Last year was horrible. Just like you, I didn't want to be around anyone, cried continuously and didn't even put up the Christmas tree. I don't even want to put one up this year. What I'm trying to say is there is light at the end of the tunnel....I promise. I'm not saying that I don't still get upset everyday and think about my baby constantly but you have to get down on your knees and pray, pray, pray for God to help you, carrying you when you are too weak to walk, etc. I still ask God to carry me. I not only lost Jody but I have two other grown children and this murder has ripped my family apart. It's like I went from 3 children to none but I keep on going. We all have to keep on for our children's memory. You are not by yourself. We are all here for you and remember that.