My middle guy woke me up last night about 2:45am, I heard sobbing and noises and stuff, I get up and he is there sitting going thru some of Timmy's things I was able to gather and put away, like his silver crosses, his "T" ring, a handwritten (with drawings) card he made me out of lined paper for Christmas and he was shaking so bad, and crying so hard and sobbing uncontrollably, I did not know what to do, he kept saying "it's not fair, it's not fair" and how he let Timmy go hang with him that day and he seemed sad, and I said well he told me he was tired later, so maybe he was just tired. matt would always let Timmy hang with him and his friends, Timmy loved hanging out with "his older bro" it made him feel "cool" and it breaks my heart that there is nothing I can do to take the pain away, it's not bad enought that my life feels like t is over with what has happened, nothing ever t be the same agina, I feel no joy most of the time,but to see my children suffer like this and know that they have a much longer road to travel on then I do, the grief they will endure the rest of their lives at such a young age, he is so right IT ISN'T FAIR. These guys sit in their cell, yes locked up, but they still get to eat, feel joy, laugh, watch tv, probably see their kids of visiting day, be able to hug them hold them tell them they love them, they ruined my family, my boys lives ruined, I thought I could handle this but I can't, I wish I could take their pain away. I wish I could tell them they will be ok, they will have good lives, they will marry a nice girl and have wonderful kids and enjoy life. my son will be 21 on Christmas Day and what he and my other son has endured no one should endure at any age, I know the pain of losing a son, a mother, a father, brothers, cousins, etc. but the loss of my son has been heartbreaking, I cannot imagine how they feel. I know when I lost my brothers 2 were handicapped and never expected to live long lives, but they lived longer than any dr. ever knew. But my boys saw their brother shot thru the back of their head by poeple they knew, for no reason, because he was a witness. How do you tell them it will be ok??? I thought life could never be the same when my mother died, she died suddenly from a cardiac arrest at the age of 58 I was only 25 y/o. I didn't think I could ever manage without her, but I did, I cried all the time, the pain lessoned in time but there is not a day that goes by that I do not htink of her. But Timmy, no, I cannot imagine my life without him forever, and I see that my boys lives have also been ruined because 2 men felt that they could play God for the day. How do you tell and 20 y/o and a 22 y/o that everything will be ok, that life will be good for them,they are young and can still have good lives, when you can't believe it yourself?
I just needed to get this off me, I've never seen him this bad before, it was heart wrenching and the pain is unbearable.
Baby Girl, Oh my God. I shouldn't have read this, but,,, I did. My heart is so heavy and the tears are so hot. There is nothing I can say or do for you. But if I could, you know I would, I read what the Moms post and I just want so bad to be magic, to somehow fix it. Bring our loved ones back, as though it never happened. I can't even tell you it's gong to be ok. I know it really isn't.
I had a hard time when My Mother passed away too. I wasn't there with her and I should have been. When I got to Arizona I had to make the arrangements and my sister said Mom wanted me to do her hair and makeup. So I did, I even painted her nails. When I got home, I burned all the clothes I had on Shoes and even panties. I got in the tub and scrubbed myself. I puked until I couldn't breath. I couldn't understand why it effected me that way. I felt so guilty for so long about that. Like My Mother was dirty or something. And I couldn't get that smell out of my nose. It was horrible. When they murdered John, I kept hitting myself on the head. I don't know why. Like I was crazy. Not my normal funny crazy but,,, really, crazy crazy. You know what I mean.
Bette, If your sons saw Timmy murdered, that picture will be in their head forever. The way it is in JoJo's. Oh me!!!!!!!!!! I'm so sorry Bette, I'm so sorry.
love to you and your family.
Bette, your sons are in my heart. The pain IS unbearable, and they will never forget seeing their brother murdered like that, I know all too well about that and the pain and anger you feel. No, it's NOT fair, murder is the worst thing anyone can do to another human being. You're all in my thoughts and I wish I knew how to help but I can't even help myself.
Let him talk about what happened as much as he wants to and listen to him and how he feels. Love to your sons Bette, and to you too.
That was a heart wrenching story.As painful as it is thank God you and your son are talking about,crying about and yes if you have to scream about it Timmy's death.It was cruel and unfair and never should have happened.What can you really say to his heart ache? Nothing except let him know how much Timmy loved him,hold him tight and assure him that you will always be there for him which I'm sure he already knows.My kids are tight lipped about Nicky.This worries me .As a mother I want to be there for my kids but you know as well as I do that we're all hanging on by a thread and our kids aren't stupid.I feel like some of them don't want to bother me with their grief.At least that's what self psyhcology is telling me.No one wants to go for counseling including me.I was ready then I found this site.I try to tell my kids about it to see if maybe they have one for siblings but I don't know if they are ready for so so many siblings lost to murder.For me it was sickening to see so many other women in pain,yet they have helped me in ways no one else could.Well Bette give him a hug from me.And you take one while your at it.Many Many hugs and prayers your way.God Bless you and your family and keep you.Barb/Nicky'sMOM
Thank you all so much for everything I knew you would understand what I was saying. My middle guy didn't talk much about it for this whole past year, maybe a few times he broke down, but kept a lot in. But last night was the worse I ever seen. I know I told you about my oldest son, he is away, actually he served time, now he is in a program. He was the one I thought would kill himself, I would call friends to ask to have them sit with him, he'd call me at work and tell me he wanted to die. It was terrible, the pain I saw him go thru, he was the one who had to ID his baby brother laying on the pavement who could live with this??? I don't know if my middle son went down there, I never asked him. he doesn't say much and like I said last night was the worst I've seen. He had all these little things of Timmy's and he was touching them holding them crying and sobbing, it was such heart ache in me I can't even tell you, but I did not cry. I just held him tight and told him I understood his pain, that we are here for each other. I told him Timmy would be so proud of him and how much he loved him. This is all I know to do. Oh you know, now I feel the tears. maybe it's just hitting me now. so I'm going to stop. God bless all you mom's for being here for me. It doesn't help either with the holidays and court is next week.