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Trying to find the will to go on

I was sitting there yesterday looking @ my younger kids playing,I have a 15,14,13,4&3 year old,and I was thinking how selfish of me that I just want to die & be with Andre'.Why don't I have the will to live to watch them grow up so I don't miss out with them all the things that I am missing out on with Andre'.Its like I have two hearts & one can only let me think about being with Andre' the other says look lady you still have 5 other children that love & need you.Then I feel guilty for that part of me that just wants to die.I never used to think about dying I wanted to grow old & hold my grandchildren.How do you find that will to live again & I don't mean to be alive I mean to really live.Everything I do & think about all leads back to Andre'.I went to my sons basketball game Saturday & ended up crying thinking how much his big brither could have thaught him.Andre' was so good it was just as natural to him to have a basketball in his hand as it is for you & I to breathe.He would have most assuredly gone to college if he wouldn't have struggled with his grades.I hide my tears I don't want the kids to know that I can't even just be proud of them withoutr thinking about Andre'.I can't help it though.Thats all I do.I know it isn't fair to them but, I don't know how to do anything else.Well, i'm crying so hard I can't even see what i'm typing so Iguess i've said enough.
Love & hugs to you all
In my prayers
Vickie/Andre's mom-& Steven,Amber,Jordan,Mikaela,& Malachi's mom

Re: Trying to find the will to go on

Vickie if you ever find out let me know. I am torn between my son and Kaylin too. The 17th was Jared's birthday and inside I just kept thinking that she should be here to celbrate with us. I couldn't just concentrate on him and his day. Everything makes me think of her. I feel guilty too. I have a son who needs me and I try, I try so hard to be present for him, but sometimes it is so hard. I think I pull it off most of the time, but it takes its toll. It is beginning to affect my health. Many days I want to die and see my baby and I too have to remind myself that my son needs me. He needs me here and present. I do not want him lost in the shadow of his sister's death but it is hard. Harder then anything I have ever faced. Let's hold on together and try to get through together. We may have to take it a minute at a time, but we can do it together. You are in my prayers.

Re: Trying to find the will to go on

HI Vickie,
The hardest part is "Getting back to normal" and living again for our family. We will never be normal and our life will be different than the one before. Sometimes this tragedy takes you into a downward direction while other times it can go upward or down then up. I don't have a lot to hold onto these days but I too must be there for my children and I hold on tight to this belief: This killer took one person from my family and has totally changed our lives. I am going to do everything in my power to not let him take any more from my family. I am going to do that by taking everything one minute, one hour and one day at a time. We are the voices for our children that we lost and the ones we still have. We have to somehow find strength so they don't lose any more than has already been taken from them. Always in our thoughts and prayers.
Lisa's Mom

Re: Trying to find the will to go on

I wanted to send you the Lyrics of an REM song that I love and now feel the lyrics more than ever and would like to share it with you and let you know you are not alone even though it is a very lonely journey.


When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone


Re: Trying to find the will to go on

Dear Dear Vickie
You ARE finding the will and strength to go on.You have come to the right place for some help.We all care about how you are feeling and how your dear family is doing.Your honesty smacks me in the face and says to me you are not alone with your dark thoughts.This tradgedy affects everyone.I have 4 other children who need me also and I feel guilty most of the time.I am a diabetic and refused to take my medicine after Nicky died.That was close to 8 months ago.Then one day I woke up and said ya know if I die my husband and children will have to experience yet another loss.how could I do that to them knowing how Nicky's death affected us all not just me.My children are older than yours so I feel for you that it might not be as easy to just lie down and hope I feel better when I wake up.I too look at life around me and say Nicky could have taught them this or taught them that and the crying starts,for everyone's loss that he isn't here.My youngest saw me crying one day and he doesn't open up much but he began yelling at me and saying you knew Nicky for 25 yrs but I knew him my whole life.I lost him too.Here I thought I was there for them and I obviously was handling it miserably.I was so lost in m y own grief try as I might i didn't have the strength to see to all of their needs.I'm working on it a day at a time and yes it does take time.Please Please hang in there and know we are all praying for you.Andre will always be the closest to your heart because that's now where he is.MANY MANY HUGS your way.God Bless Barb/Nicky's MOM

Re: Trying to find the will to go on

Thank you to all of you for all your kind words & support.It is such a comfort to know that i'm not alone in my feelings to know that it isn't just me that feels this way.It isn't always easy to admit the things we think & feel especially when they aren't the things or ways poeple think we should feel.How would they know how they would feel.Only all of you really know.
Thank you and GOD bless you all!!!!
Vickie/Andre's mom

Re: Trying to find the will to go on

I am the same way. All I do is think about my Gene. No matter where we go or what we do I am always thinking of him. My grandaughter is in a baseball league and she has been having tournements and she is a pretty good ball player. When I go and watch her play I think of how proud her uncle would be of her. Gene was in little league all thru his grade school years and in Jr. high. He was a really good pitcher. He was even in the newspaper! :-) Anyway, I sit there and remember when I used to go and watch him play. It just brings back so many memories...and then the tears start and I have to hold back because I don't want to cry in front of all the parents. I used to be afraid of dying and now I can't wait. I miss my son so much. You are not alone Vikie. Together...all of us MOMS will get thru this. We have to...for our child who has gone home to be with our Lord and for our living children who are still here with us. Take care of yourself Vikie, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. God bless you.