I feel like a monkey in a cage. This waiting has worn it's toll on me. Not being able to talk to chris, I told my brother, Oscar wouldn't let me talk to her and he said,,,,,,,, Oh he's such a nice guy are you sure? I got so mad, hot flash from hhheeellll! I told David, fine! I hung up. He called me back cause he knew better than to leave me like that. He told me I'm going to call Chris and find out what's happening. Well I sat there waiting doing the drum roll until my eyeballs nearly popped out from impatience! AAAGGGHHHHAAAAAA! How can you Moms take it? I'm going out of my friggin mind. ok so David calls back and said that Oscar wasn't there but that Chris wasn't either, he talkid to JoJo and asked him if it was true that Oscar wouldn't let her talk to me. Which ticked me off even more,,,,,,,, you know?? Like he didn't believe me,,,,,,, like I'm gonna lie about something like that........
OMG AAAGGGHHHHAAAAAAA If I could be magic and be in Phoenix for just ten seconds, my favorite little Oscar would get a black eye, or he'd try to go to the bathroom and find a size 7 pump up his hinney!
(breathing hard) OK, ok, ok, so I get a little violent from time to time. I'm sober! What can I say. I'm nicer when I'm drunk. So here we are Nov 13th I don't know what's going on.
My poor brother, he knows how I get. He also knows not to ever,,,, ever tell me to calm down. It's like this bomb goes off in my head, it's better to just agree with me and let me get to the point where I cry and then the fire goes out.
Sorry, gosh I just had to scream this morning, like I said, I just can't take it anymore. I don't know how you Moms do it. Monkey in cage signing out.
love you all.
Did he ever tell you what JoJo said? Why won't Oscar let you talk to anyone? I'm sorry if you told before but my memory sucks anymore. I'm sorry about all this, we know first hand when a tragedy strikes how people change. I've lost many people in my life you would think it would hlep family and friends stick together.
Yeah I guess it would be nice If I finished a story. I was just venting, hot flashing out of my mind. But David said JoJo didn't know anything about it.
Oscar said I upset Chris when we talk and it takes a while for her to get back on track. He wants her to forget about what happened and let John rest.
When the POS that strangled John with his dog chain is sent to prison, I'll rest. But forget,,,,,,,,,, never, never will I ever forget. My John could be here, he would be engaged, ready to get married. Have his own kids, a good life. He didn't do anything to deserve this. If Chris were to leave Oscar, I could forget that SOB overnight. That's what I call forget.
I don't care who likes him or who doesn't. Like my sister said. "he's such a nice guy, he cooks really good chicken on the grill" I could care less if he can cook. I could care less if he had money up the ying yang and wanted to buy me a new house. All I care about at this point of my life is finding out what is happening in the courts about my John! I want them AHoles put down.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmman I hate it! I haven't been back to Phoenix since it happened. We've also had a lot of death in our family. It's just so different when one is cheated from life through murder. It's just different. We lost Julie at 17 but she got sick. Seems like over night. I miss her too with all my heart. And Benny, I can't even talk about. Another thing that really hurts me inside is knowing what they did to John, reading the autopsy report seeing where he had been severly beat and a hard blow to the head and then strangled. It just hurts so bad because in my mind I can see it. I can see him fighting for his life trying to get away and fight back and not able to. My heart sinks down so low I feel like I myself could die and would die just to save him. I've already lived, if I could just trade places with him and not let him suffer like he did.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Girl, BREATH! In and out, in and out. I've been looking around at how the world for everyone just goes on while our world has stopped dead in it's tracks. Randy had a couple girlfriends, 1 with him when he died, they were traveling home to Chicago, 1 here with his 1 year old and his ex wife who he never stopped loving but they did the breakup go back together jojo. The girl with him got married 2 days before the 1 year anniversary, the other is pregnant again by someone else, his ex has been in and out of the phyciatric hospitals she just can't live with it. They keep telling me life goes on, well, we on this site know better!
I'm breathing......... but sometimes, and believe me those sometimes come quite often. Sometimes I can't pretend and just sit back. That's when I have to say something. I can't talk to anybody, don't you all understand. Nobody, zip, nada, I actually think even my dog doesn't want to talk to me. It's the pitts. I think I'm going to drink tonight and if I do I'll have to start all over again. I've just had one hell of a week and today was the busting point for me. I couldn't take it anymore. I did get to talk on the chat room with Kayt, it was my first time. Shes so sweet and she made me laugh so when I got off I was a bit more cheerful. Able to move on to my work.
I just wish I could control my temper, the hot flashes, the pain and the urge to drink. Am I asking too much. I'd probably do better just asking for the big lottery numbers to hit.
I want to say something else, when you all say your life ended when your son or daughter was murdered. Well, mine did too. Something else. I don't care! I don't care about certain people, if they say things that tick me off,,,,,,,, my mouth goes off and I don't care. I don't care about their feelings if they don't care about mine. I just lost a friend that I've known since 1967. I don't care. If she can be so insensitive and think she's the only one in the world and everything she says is right and everything I say is negative and ugly well then I don't care. Don't need no more no big fat lady! I know, I know that was ugly. I'm fatter than she is too. See what I mean I don't care. I just want John back and this whole bunch of ugly pain and nightmare to be gone.
sorry again sorry again,,,,tears,,,,,,,,,,,
Gee, I just read everything I wrote yesterday,,,,
Man Oh Man, did some kind of animal bite me or something?
Can this be deleted?
Don't read it anymore.
Patricia you are not pathetic, you are in pain and it is good you get it out in words here, because we understand. Not good to hold it in. I know I just cry, I wish I could be more verbal sometimes. especially when I see the scum bags family members and they sort of have this smirk on their face I'd like to smack it right off of them. it will come out in the end, Remember God's wrath is greater than man's. i'm sorry your family is not helping you or talking to you, it only makes things worse. I've said many times that many people have not been there for me, so those few that are are the true good souls. You come here and vent, rant, rave all you want if it helps you, i'm not a big drinker so I can't say anything about that but I know I do take meds to help me sleep. The pain will always be there no matter what you take, once it wears away you are faced with it all over again. I wish I knew better words to help you as I often think if not for my 2 boys there would be no reason for me to live. Fighting for my son and trying to stay strong for my other sons is the only things that keep me going. so you let it all out here if you have to, better to get it out of you than to hold it in the boil.
omg patricia you are so funny you would make a good comedian,you would be rich vent all you can.cry shout it is your feelingswe understand
I too feel you have a good sense of humor which is probably actually sustaining you through all of this.I'm sorry for all your pain and your loss.You do describe some of the feelings we all feel but are cautious to say.I think your honesty helps all of us and I find your humor refreshing.Hope you feel comfort in knowing that you make some of us feel better because you are you.I'm glad you come on forum instead of drinking as I feel drinking is only a bandaid on the situation,you eventually wake up to reality and do have to start all over again.God Bless and hugs your way.Barb/Nicky's MOM
Like Barb said...your honesty helps all of us and I also find your humor refreshing. You are not pathetic! You are just in pain and have anger like most of us moms here. You make me laugh sometimes with the things you say. You keep on being yourself and keep on ranting and raving. That's what we are here for. Take care and God bless you.
I just read what you all posted. It made me cry. Thank you so much for listening. You made me feel like maybe I should start really taking care of me. Bette I want to start writing poems again. Joann, I'm really not funny, I just have a big mouth and a big temper especially since they murdered John. I just say it like it is, I've actually always been a smart alick. My Mom use to tell me,,,," One of these days Girly, that mouth of yours is goong get you in trouble" then she'd say "Mark my words, Girly"
I told her, well I guess maybe You shouldn't have taught me how to cuss so good! Slap! Oops! Shouldn't talk to Mama that way.
You Moms are the only thing holding me together. I have not drank a drop of vodka, beer or anything. I want to but, you're right, it's like a bandaid. It's better to take one day at a time. I still feel like a monkey in a cage though. Waiting, waiting, tick, tock, ,,,,,, tick tock,,,,,, waiting for the pain to ease.
love you Moms
What is wrong with your sister!? Chicken on the Grill is this guys only good point don't they have KFC where she Lives? Seriously this story gets worse by the minute. I feel so bad for your sister and jojo and anyone else who encountered this heartless soul Oscar. As far as meeting us Get your coffee and get your butt in the chat room tonight. It is as close as you will get for right now and believe me it doesn't take long to get to know each other in there. Another advantage you bring that "Oscar" story in there and I bet the moms will come up with all kinds of ways to deal with him!!!!!You should come in and hopefully you can lighten you load even just for a short while.
Sending all of love. Laura
I just found out Oscar had the phone number changed. Chris is my sister in law. she is Johns mother. My brother is no longer married to her Oscar is. So now I can't talk to her no matter what. I guess he mixed that real good. But, you know what, it's ok, it's ok for now, but when I get to Phoenix, he's gonna have to keep his distance from me. He only got a little taste of me the other night. I will not take it, I will not be treated this way by him, Now my Brother has seen the light about Oscar. I can't wait for the day he stands in front of me. AAAAGGGGHHHHAAAA... I'm not the back down type as I've told you before. There's too much of Mama in me baby cakes! When January gets here, and it's not far away, I'll let you know what I do or say to him. POS who thinks he rules,,,,,,,,, he ain't tangled with this Queen yet!
Do any of you wonder why I'm not married!
I CAN'T TAKE IT! I've been in love, I've had my son, he's dead, I'm not really ugly on the outside, it's the inside that shows up from time to time. Right now the only thing I can think about is John, I want justice for him. I want to see them two on their knees begging for their lives. Though I know they won't get the death penalty. I'd like to give them death. I'd like to get a sledge hammer and bamm, bamm, bammmm put their lights out for good. Honest to God I really think I could do it and not feel bad about it. I bet a lot of you feel the same way, that's why I feel safe telling you how I feel. If I were to start talking like this at work,,,,,,,,,,,
mamamia,,,,,,,, I might get locked up! Then I'd really be a Monkey in the cage!
Another deep breath,,,,,,,, venting, sometimes I feel like I really socked it to em when I get off here.
Your right BREATHE! I do know the feeling and I knew that was your sister-in-law it was early and we got about 1 foot of snow so I am going to blame it on Early Morning Brain Freeze. I understand your frustration and I too have considered different way to repay the killer. You hang in there Girly!
lordy I love you guys! Patricia, honey you just have to remember that it's going to be an emotional roller coaster ride that we just can't get off of even though we would do anything to make it stop!
Just got a call from my #4 child, he is making the trip from he// from WV. I cringe whenever they go there, #5 child moved to OH 5 miles from where Randy was killed and it drives me nuts when they travel now. I just realized the other day that I'm scared to death whenever they are out of arms length or I can't get to them quick just in case... It's funny, they are all over 30 yrs old and I feel emotionally like they are in grade school! I'm close to a panic attack and it won't let up till he gets home. Kid's driving home 600 miles alone! I know, breath...
Mom's I never have a good day. I had to beg Oscar to let me talk to Chris. I had to make myself, But I want you all to mark my words, It's not over between me and him! It's not over until the fat lady sings and I haven't even started to clear my throat. @ss hole! This queen ain't gona take too much of it. Put that in your book and don't forget. Toomuch is going on in this family and it's all horrible. What did we do wrong to deserve this. I stay violent and mad, I can't drink anymore I'm scared to. Maybe that's a good thing. I cry in the morning, I cry in the shower, I cry at work when nobody sees me, I cry when I drive home, I cry when I get home, cry cry cry cry I'm sick of it. I probably cry more that I PP!
I want this to end, I want the pain to ease, I want everyone to leave their comments to them selves about letting go. I don't know how to let go. Got it! I don't know how. It's like you asking me to forget that John was ever alive and did all the wonderful things he did. All the kids would play together, he was the leader. Always talking about how to play this game and that always in charge,
Oh God SOMEBODY SLAP ME!