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Debbie Wiley – MOMS Founder 

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So many tears

I wish I could come here and give better words to all you mom's suffering the pain we are living, a living nightmare. Things have not been going well for me at all. I don't know how many of you know my oldest son is away in a program right now starting his second week and could be from 3-6 months. he has been miserable, calling me telling me how he hates it, he can't make it thru this, it's terrible, he has no one to fight for him. I've fought for him all his life, this is a hurdle he has to get thru, I can't keep saving him, you know. It's tearing me apart. I don't even want to talk tohim on thephone, it's like each time a piece of me gets ripped away again. I have support court again this Wed. I don't even care if I lose, I leave it to God, I can't keep going on with all this happening around me. tomorrow marks one month from my Timmy's preliminary hearing for the 2 POS' that killed him and another young man he was with. I hear stories still in the neighorhood, it's driving me crazy, I stay in all the time. I don't even want to go to the store anymore. I don't want to bump into any of their family. I almost did the one night, one of them younger brother, I saw this lady I knew so I stopped my car to say hi and he cam up behind her with this big ass grin on his face like he was my best friend, I ignored him completely like I didn't see him, said to lady take care now and I drove off, I thought God he has such BA**'s how dare he think he can look at me with this big smile on his face, I know he didn't do anything, but I don't know if he knew anything either. I trust no one. Then my oldest is falling apart on me, my poor middle son has to live with my grief and me falling apart all the time. Not good for him either. I jsut can't do this anymore, I can't stand it!!! I just can't take anymore bad happening, I jsut can't do it, I'm broken down, I really am. I pray every night to God to keep me strong. But inside I just am a mess, I'm really a mess. How do I help my other sons when I can't help myself. I tell my oldest everything will be ok, just hang in there, things will turn out ok. And I sit there and think how can I say this stuff when it's not ok everything around me falls apart and I'm telling him everything is ok!

Re: So many tears


Re: So many tears

I know some what of what you are feeling about your son being away in this program. My oldest was in jail not long after Jim's murder for driving on a suspended. He kept calling me begging me to bail him out. I put my foot down this time and kept telling him no I wasn't going to do it. It broke my heart but it had to be done. Worst thing was he was in jail with the creep that murdered Jim. But last time I bailed him out it almost cost me my house because he missed a court date and then wouldn't turn himself in. You just keep hanging on to that court date because when this is all said and done and those two are in prison you will have some peace of mind. I truly believe they will be convicted. If the police had enough evidence to arrest them the the DA has a good case. I am glad this little creeps family lives in southern Cal. His grandmother lives here and I have seen her I just turned and walk the other way. We are all here for you, you can count on us to help you through this the best way we can with love, understanding, prayer and cyber hugs.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jimmy's Mom Shirley
Mom 2 Mom stay strong

Re: So many tears

thanks moms. I am really feeling terrible, I feel like my inside is going to explode. I am so agitated, sad, worried and just plain disgusted. My oldest doesn't realize when he says these things to me I worry about what's going to happen, I can't stand the thought of something more bad happening. It's almost like don't talk to me, I can't take anymore of it I really can't. I'm only one person and I'm taking all this on me and it's so not fair anymore I've had it. My insides are so tight, I feel sick, my shoulders and back hurt, cause you know when you get worried and you hunch all up, well that's what I've been doing for weeks, so my shoulders and top of my back are constantly sore and achy. I'm falling apart. I don't know what he wants me to do, I don't understand how he doesn't seem to realize when he calls me and says all these things that I'll worry and it gets me upset. Oh i don't know I'm just rambling.

God Bless
Timmys mom

Re: So many tears

Oh Bette, I am so sorry that you are going thru this pain with your sons. It seems like that's all we have in our lives now is...pain, pain,pain. How I wish I could give you a big hug and hold you tightly and tell you that everything is going to be o.k. It is Bette. May God continue to bless and heal you, and may He grant us all the gift to be for you what you need. We are all here for you. Stay strong. Don't let the devil win! Sending my love to you and prayers for you and your sons. God bless you.

Re: So many tears

Your boys have no idea what you are going through. You may just have to tell them you need help, that your oldest son can do that by getting through this program and then coming home with his life together and intact. It's okay for you to let him know how fearful you are for him, that the fear of possably losing him too could be more than you could handle. It's okay, he needs to know that you do have a breaking point and you're there and you need his help now!!!!!!!!!!
Let your middle son know how proud you are of him but that you really need him right now too. That as strong as you have been in the past, the events of the past few years has taken it's toll and you need him to be there for you.
You may be surprised at the reaction you get. You're right, you have always been there for them, now let them be there for you, in what ever little way you can.
I am praying for strenght and peace for you.

Re: So many tears

Dear Bette
Your poem was so good that you wrote for Timmy could you try to channel all that pain into writing a poem for your other 2 sons,letting them know how special they are and that you know their pain also as you are their mother and their is no other love like that of a mothers love.I think all of us MOMS are hanging on by a thread and we have to think of creative ways to reach our other children or they will be lost in all of this.I know my other children are in pain and afraid to show it lately because they think it will make me sad,when I just want to share in their pain.I want them to know it is alright to be sad.It's hard to get our children to understand that although we love them we can't rescue them all the time from situations that they need to take responsibility for.I know I have a child my oldest who me and my husband constantly rescued.I don't think it taught him anything,and if I had to do it all over again.I wouldn't have.I will always be there for my children but that doesn't always mean giving in to them either.I hope this isn't coming across preachy it is meant with much caring for your situation.So far none of my children are presently in trouble but as life is life that could change in an instant.I think due to the fact that our children were murdered we are more apt to second guess everything we do.Is what I'm doing enough? Are my other children safe? What can I do to protect them better? Was I not paying attention to something going on their lives? These are the things I feel robbed of on top of my son's murder and that is where his killers will triumph.I won't let that happen,they will not take my judgement away,I will work on this every day to ensure this.Just another thing to add to my prayer list.Well ramble ramble ramble.Hugs your way Barb/Nicky's MOM