Dear MOMS
I want to thank all of you beautiful,strong,courageous,caring MOMS who gave me a new lifeline the moment I first found this site 3 days ago.I had some very,very dark thoughts this past week.I wanted every thing to stop and however that happened I didn't care.To cry for 223 days straight has left me as drained and broken as one could be.I knew I needed help but kept trying to do things alone.Yes I have great family who is always there for me but I feel like I'm repeating myself over and over again.Sort of like a recurring dream you can't wake up from.As I read the many sad stories all of you have been through I realized that the Lord has sent me many blessings that I just needed to pay attention to.My Nicky lived in an apartment about 20 minutes from me.I saw him often as he still loved my cooking and would take heaps home with him.I didn't realize he was sharing with the guy who lived upstairs from him.He was the child who always appreciated what ever we gave him or did for him.When I was down and out wondering if I did enough for my children he was the one who gave me encouragement and told me I was the best.The night he died it was 10:00pm and I wanted to call him but decided not to because I was a little mad at him because I found out he was driving and he wasn't supposed to till he got his tickets taken care of.I didn't want to rag on him so I decided to call him in the morning.That morning never came as 10 minutes later my 19 yr old called to say he heard Nicky was shot.Screaming running around calling down to my husband I thought let me just call him.I called his phone and his friend that was with him told me he was shot in the stomach and that he was talking and would be alright.He told me that the cops were there and Nicky was on his way to the hospital.I thought we would never get to the hospital.Some of my other children were already there and they were talking to a Dr.I had once worked with.When he realized Nicky was my son his face changed and I knew it was very bad.He explained he was in surgery and had a 20% chance of coming off the table.I began to pray.Within minutes I was being told he didn't make it.Everything after that was a blur except I kept screaming I want to see and hold my son.Finally I was let in and I saw my son looking like he was sleeping and his skin was still warm.As I held him and whispered do you know I love you his body was soaked in tears.He looked beautiful as he lay there.No bloody trauma or mottled skin just Nicky looking like he was sleeping.First Blessing sent my way.I know other MOMS didn't have that.As I found out more info that night I found out that one of his best friends was in the ambulance with him talking to him and holding his hand.Second Blessing sent my way he wasn't dying alone.The week leading up to his funeral many many many friends stopped by to let me know that Nicky encouraged them to read the Bible and they would miss his enthusiasm while he swapped scripture with them.He knew more about the Bible at 25 than I knew at 52.Third blessing sent my way.As none of us are sinless till the day we die,he was trying.The night my son was laid to rest we got word that his killers were caught and in jail.Fourth Blessing sent my way.I know other MOMS may never get justice,although God will provide it for you someday I promise.After many weeks we were able to hear one of the killers confession and it basically said that they went to my son's apt to rob him.They went with a pizza delivery and when my son called through the door that he didn't order pizza they said they couldn't hear him,he looked out and saw the pizza box and opened the door to tell them it was probably for the apt around back,they forced the door open and shot him.They didn't know that anyone was with him and when they saw my son's friend they ran.The confessor stated that my son answered the door with a Bible in his hand and they shot him.Fifth blessing if he had to die it was comforting to know he had a Bible in his hand.These are just some of the blessings I have received from this tragedy.So as I miss my son every second,hour,day and month I have been blessed with many things. When I pray it is not to have Nicky back necessarily for I believe God missed him and he was His first,he was only on loan to me.I can see that He would want him.I pray that I learn how to live without Nicky physically and that I too will be worthy enough to join him someday.As my husband says we are all going to die someday we just die at different times according to when God wants us back.One last thing,one particularily bad day I couldn't stop crying and talking about Nicky not being here and on the radio came on a song of a christian singer Nicky liked. and the title of it was I'd rather have Jesus I busted into a big smile as I felt it was him telling me I'm fine and I'm where I want to be.Nicky wrote many christian rap songs,someday I will share them with you.Thanks for listening Hugs to you all Barb/Nicky's MOM

Barb
My son too was shot at his home at his front door point blank in the chest with a 38. but this guy didn't stop there Jim ran for his bedroom this creep followed him into the house and put another 5 rounds through the bedroom door then kicked the door open I bet he was surprised to see no one in the room Jim had gone out the window. He was alone at that time but made his way to a neighbors and when the sheriff got there it just happened to be a friend of the family so Jim wasn't alone. I got a call from my oldest son also telling me Jim had been shot. I told him no, no Jim just left here about 15 to 20 minutes ago he is fine. My oldest said "Mom it was just on the scanner Jim was shot." I too was running around trying to call the hospital while getting dressed. Jim never made it to surgery he passed in the emergency room. When the doctor came and told me they tried but there was just nothing they could do to save Jim I just kept saying no,no, no. I was asked if I wanted to see him but I couldn't I just didn't want to see him dead I guess I was trying to believe it wasn't true. I still at times have those dark thoughts but I know Jim wants me here to be with Sandra so I work through them. The night of the sentencing I was laying on the sofa I was very sleepy I closed my eyes and all of a sudden I felt Jim so strong I could see him in my mind sitting on the end of the sofa watching tv with me he had on a white T and his camo shorts every now and then he would just look over at me as if to say see I told ya mom I told ya he would get 2nd degree and go to prison. The next morning I got into the car to go to work and the first song that came on was Ozzy (Jim really liked Ozzy) singing See You On The Other Side. I have felt him like that three times the first was right after I had gotten his car fixed and painted. Then one day after court when I was very down he came to me and told me not to worry that the guy would get 2nd degree murder and go to prison. well here I am again going on and on.
I pray each and every mom and family gets justice for their child.
Much Love and bunches of Hugs
Jimmy's Mom Shirley

Thank you for sharing your story Barb. I am so sorry for the loss of your son Nicky. Your Nicky sounds like my son Gene. Oh, how I miss my best friend. I can't wait till I see him again. When I lost my son, my only son and the oldest of my three children...everything in me and around me changed. How I long for just a few moments with my son again. Nothing else makes sense to me but the rare and meaningful relationship, which I cherished...which is now gone. From this time on, I think the world will never be the same...and in a very real sense, my world is changed because my son whom I loved made up a precious and vital piece of my world. I think about my son every day, all day. Sometimes I feel like I am going to go crazy. The day that I was told about his death, the last night that I saw him, his funeral...it plays like a movie in my head. My heart and prayers go out to you, your family and Nicky. God bless you.

Dear Angie
I know what you mean about things playing over and over again in your mind.When that happens I try to replay the great things and push the negative out this usually doesn't work but sometimes just sometimes if I try hard enough it works.I'm sorry for your loss.I'm trying to go on each angels memorial site to get to know who they were.As I am miserably finding out there are way too many.God Bless and Hugs your way Barb/Nicky's MOM

Dear Shirley
Thank you for sharing Jimmy's story.I don't know most of what happened to all of your angels.Little by little I feel as though I am getting to know all of them.What a loss on so many levels.Nobody should have a memorial page till they are like 80.I'm glad Jimmy didn't die alone.Good for him that he fought long enough to get out the window.What strength he must have had.Just another attribute to list of his many.God Bless and Hugs your way.Barb/Nicky's MOM

Barb:

I lost my 25 yr. old son in June of this year, he was run down while riding his motorcycle and hit from behind. Like all the Mom's here, this is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, we lost my sisters boy in Dec. of 07 to suicide and I thought then, how will she go on, unfortunatly 6 months later there I was in the same place she was. I simply exsist now, I don't really feel somedays that I am living, I just go throught the motions of life.

Travis was my only son, I have a daughter and two grandchildren, who I of coarse just adore, but they were very close to my son and they ask about him every day. Every time my 3yr. old grandson see an ambulance he asks if that's the one that's going to bring Uncle Travis back and it breaks my heart to tell him no.

I am glad you found this site, though I am not at all happy you are here, because as we all know this is a pain we wouldn't wish upon anyone.

My thoughts and prayers are with you in your journey.

Nanci/Travis' Mom

Dear Nancy
I too am sorry for your loss.I'm glad I had Nicky for at least 25 yrs though it was way too soon for him to go,I cherish every minute I had with him as I'm sure you do with your beloved Travis.I work in an emergency room and I wasn't sure that I could handle going back the sirens the trauma the grieving parents,but I have worked here for 11 yrs,these people all knew my son and it is home,they let me break down whenever i want,they hug me they give me space etc.After my 3 month leave one of the first things I ran across was the pain scale the patients are asked to answer.I was told my son told them from a scale of 1-10 what is your pain and he said about an 8.God bless him most people say 9 with a broken cuticle and here he was shot and said a 10.What a soldier he was.I will pray for you and your family and hope that you make it through the holidays with the least pain possible.God Bless and hugs your way

We tried that but it seems like everything we think we are "lucky" for has a downside. A co-worker told me to be happy and I told him there is nothing that will ever make me happy again. I can be grateful but happy is something I can't ever fathom. I am grateful for my others two daughters but watching their lives ripped apart and their hearts broken is a constant battle and pain. In the beginning we were told Lisa did not suffer due to endophens released into the body when one is stabbed. She put up a stuggle and was even able to defend herself and stab the murder but he was too overwhelming for her. But after reading the medical examiners report we know that she despite being grateful she did not "suffer" that she still feared for her life, fought to the end and quite possible knew at the end she was going to die. She was not alone-- the murdered was there watching her to make sure she was dead and even silenced her screams. He is now in custody which we thought we could be grateful for and were assured that he would never walk the streets again. But we are now finding out that may be because he will never stand trial. He wanted to be put in a mental hospital and when they wouldn't he told the Dr. he was going to kill someone and he did. He even waited for the Police and asked if PA. had the death penalty. Well we do but not for the "sick" so even if he does go to trial he won't even have to beg & plead for his life they way our daughter did. I am grateful for my family and I will NEVER let this sick vile "thing" take anymore from my family and will remain strong no matter how difficult it is...I will always find strength in my love for Lisa. I do believe that in the end it was our love that was with her and that she was not alone. I believe the angels were there to tell her it was time to go. I almost forgot...we looked forward to her memorial stone arriving. We spent alot of time, thought and effort into so that it was just perfect. We thought oh that is great we are looking forward to her marker for the cemetary but it was really all we had. Well when it finally did arrive they misspelled her nickname and misplaced the duck. We are grateful they are going to fix it but they only came after we had to contact our lawyer because they were trying to charge us to repolish it and do it the way we wanted it even though it was their mistake. We don't say what next anymore and trying to find positives get more difficult everyday. I am rambling again but I just needed to vent to someone who can understand.
Laura