It was a year ago last month on the 6th that I lost Andre' and I have been in a dazed state since that day I have barely even been on this site or on his memorial site.His 19th birthday would have been in 6 more days.I feel like i'm in this little black hole & it's just closing in on me.My 15 year old son that I have been having so many problems with has gone to stay with his dad for a few months & now I feel like I have lost him in a way.I know I haven't really but, thats how it feels.I have never live one day.Without my kids.He was really out of control hitting me & his younger brothers & sisters,cussing,talking back,ect. I could not control him.I just hope his dumb a** dad will be a father to him & get him the help he needs.I just want my life back .My kids back.That piece of sh** has taken my family from me, the family we used to be.Now he goes on everyday like nothing has happened.Carrying his deep dark seceret.I wonder if his mom knows that her son is a murderer.I wonder if she knows how lucky she is to see her son to be able to hold him & tell him see loves him.Don't get me wrong I am not blaming her I am just jealous that her son is still here walking around thinking he got away with murder & my son is gone & has no justice.I have gone on long enough.Sorry I just feel hoplessly lost.
HI VICKIE ALL OF US MOM FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES,MY LIFE BECAME UPSIDE DOWN WHEN HUBERT WAS KILLED.I HAVE LOSS MY MOTHER TWO AUNT AN TWO UNCLES,ALL WITH IN ONE YEAR APART.GOD WILL GIVE YOU HOPE TO GO ON .AND TO TOP THAT OFF I LOST MY JOB BECOUSE I COULD NOT COPE WITH IT.MY MARRAGEWAS FALLING APART.I HAVE TO GIVE IT ALL TO GOD .I AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK NOW .I HAVE A NEW JOB THAT I DO NOT LIKE .WE WILL OVER COME THIS IT TAKES TIME SOMETIMES I FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE.GOD SEE YOUR TEARS AND HERE YOUR CRYS.HE WILL BRING YOUR SON BACK TO YOU GIVE IT TIME .YOUR SON IS GREAVING DIFFRENT THEN YOUR ARE,I AM KEEPING YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN IN MY PRAYERS SENDING MY HUGS YOUR WAY.JOANN-HUBERT MOM
I'm so sorry you are going thru all this pain, I do understand. I have 2 older boys, my oldest is away right now and hopefully that saved his life. I thought he'd kill himself the way he fell apart. I'd call friends up to go stay with him while I was at work it was that bad. My middle son has his moments he falls apart, I see a difference in him too, not the same. He had so many goals and I see he looks lost like he don't know which way to go. He joined the Nat'l Guard and I hope he gets something he is missing out of it. This was their baby brother and kids grieve differently. My boys won't go to counseling either. Our lives are so much different now and never to be the same, I just wish I could give you some advise or something, but just to hold on, keep praying for strength, your baby will one day get justice, God's wrath is mightier than man's. I believe in this, it's what keeps me going. I still some days have trouble going on my son's memorial page. I don't write in my journal anymore, I cry every time I do. I think I shouldn't be here writing this down he should be here with me. These guys will see their babies, their g/f's, their mothers and be able to hug them and say I love you, but they took all that away from me by killing my son, only 15 y/o why?????? I thought having them arrested would make me feel better, but it doesn't. We still have court and I dread thinking of having to go thru this, but I know I will. But it still doesn't bring him back to me. I keep my faith in God that I will see my son one day.
God bless and sending you many cyber ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
Vickie I know how you feel too. Our lives are changed forever. One moment changed our lives and there is no going back. I have a younger son and I worry about him so much. I try to make sure that I am there for him and do my major falling apart when he is asleep, but it is hard to turn off. His birthday is this month and I am ashamed to say I almost forgot. Thankfully I remember it is coming up but I have been so caught up in my grief that I almost forgot. Then I feel awful that that was something that would even happen. I get afraid sometimes I will lose him too and I have to make myself let him do things. I don't want him lost in the shadow of Kaylin's death but it affects us all. I noticed that yesterday and today he has had bad stomach aches. Today was her killer's arraignment. I think he holds it in and it is making him sick.
Your life changed and you are feeling that loss. To lose a child is horrible. There is no normal life the way we once knew it. This is our normal now. I hate it. The holidays make it worse. It feels like July 1 over and over to me. We are all lost and have to use each other for support. Just remember that we are here to offer that support. I can only send hugs though the puter but I am sending them your way.
I know that lost feeling so well my son use to come see me almost every day I miss that so much even if it was just 15 minutes or so he would always stop by. Now it is just me and my computer my oldest son is so different from Jim I love him with all my heart but we don’t have the same type of relationship that Jim and I had. I have my family we all live close to each other I don’t know what I would do without them. But there is this huge void in my life that will never be filled. My life is more of just going through the motions than really living.
I do believe we will all see our children again and we will feel a since of peace that we have never before experienced . Our children died through violence and that makes it so much worse I know there are people who wouldn’t agree but those are people who haven’t walked in our shoes.
I haven’t done a memorial site yet just can’t seem to face that reality we do have a myspace for Jim and I have one for myself dedicated to Jim. There are times I just can’t go to either of them because I just sit and cry for my son. I do blame this POSs mother if it weren’t for her my son would still be alive I hope she never gets to hold her son again I hope she rots in her drunken hell. Sorry but that is how I feel and I don’t think that will ever change for me she has gotten away with her part in Jim’s murder but she will be judged maybe not by man but by a much higher power.
Sending great big hugs your way and will keep you in my prayers
Jimmy’s Mom Shirley
Some days I sit on the couch and just watch the front door and visualize ehr walking in and walking by and saying, "Hey Mama, did anyone call for me?" I visualize the path she always took when she came in. Straight to the office to get the landline as she was asking if anyone called for her and usually to the bathroom before coming out and heading to the kitchen. I will sit there alone and just replay it over and over, trying to picture her walk and her hair and her laugh. Sometimes if I am by myself I will actually say the words out loud just to hear them. I close my eyes and hear her say, "Mama, can I borrow five dollars?" If she was in a silly mood then it was "Madre". I just want to see her so badly. I want her to come in that door and I know she never will again but for some reason it feels like if I just can concentrate hard enough then maybe she will. Crazy huh? I dread Christmas so much. We always cut down our tree and we'd come home and put a snack tray out and put on a jazz Christmas cd. the same cd every year and we would dance around the living room as we decorated the tree. We would laugh so much as the kids pulled out there favorite decorations and tried to find just the right spot. Usually someone was grabbing someone else to do a quick dance around the living room to the decoration box. After we would finish we would all run outside to see how it looked through the window. Always memories as the decorations come out. Then we'd have hot chocolate and just stare at the tree in the dark, always deciding that this years tree was the best so far. One year after it was all done it fell over. We laughed so hard. We had to fix it but it was something we laughed about and would always mention. Some days I still find myself thinking that she can't really be gone. That it is just not possible that she is really gone. How can it be true? How can life go on without her? She is supposed to be here. How can this be true? This should never happen to any of us.
It is not crazy at all. I now can understand things I never could before and thought were so illogical. I try and remember every detail of when I last say our beautiful Lisa and think in my mind perhaps I missed something and that it perhaps was someone else laying there. Then my mind goes to that perhaps she is still alive somewhere and this whole thing was a set up with a body double for some reason I will find out why someday. I speak aloud when I am alone and tell her I understand but if she could just call me and tell me she's okay and we will be together someday that I will understand why she left. Perhaps too many lifetime movies of just sheer desperation or both. I am surprised someone hasn't reported me while delivering mail as I often speak to myself aloud. My most common one is her voice mail which I call often and won't turn the phone off even though the police have it for evidence for God only knows when we have the trial. I have it memorized, "This is Lisa, You got my voicemail, (and with emphasis)So leave a message." To hear her voice is so bittersweet and it breaks my heart but I need to hear her sometimes I even leave her messages knowing they will never be heard. It is so surreal I often stop and think I am the mother of a murdered child like I am talking about someone else and think how could that possibly be as if I am in a movie and she will be on the other end when I call her. Instead the only thing I hear are her screams for her life every night when I go to bed. They say losing a child is the worst loss but having a child murdered they don't have anything special to say about that because there are no words to describe the pain and the nightmare we all have to live. Our love to all as you are all in our hearts.
I am glad to hear I am not the only one who has thought that their child may actually be alive somewhere else. When I saw Kaylin for the first time before they did any embalming or anything she looked like herself, but at the funeral she didn't. There were times I could see her, but her face was swollen and she just didn't look like Kaylin to me. I kept thinking that she must have faked her death and that she was really alive somewhere and that when the time was right she would come and explain to me why she had to do it without telling me first. I find that if I concentrate on her "case" it feels like I am doing this for someone else. The moments that I let it sink in, I fall apart. I often ask Kaylin if she knows we are taking care of her puppy and that we miss her. I know she does because I believe that she helped us get to the puppy quickly. Even after her death I think she needed to make sure her pup was safe and taken care of and that we would have her. I talk to her a lot when I am alone. Every day I don't see or hear her it gets so much harder. I still find myself most days thinking that this is not real. How can it be real? It just is one of those things that you think cannot be possible. Life without her in it? How can that be? I just have so many thoughts tumbling through my brain. Last night I dreamed that there were other people involved. I don't know if it was just a dream or her telling me. All I know is that we keep hearing that this is an interesting case. I just want to scream that she is not a case, she is my baby. This place helps me stay sane though. It gives me an outlet for what I am thinking and feeling.
I'm new on this site and trying to connect with everyone and how they are making it through each day.When some people say some days are better than others I don't feel that.I only feel like some moments are better than others.My only comfort is reading the Bible and sleeping.Days continue to be long and there is no way any of our lives or our family's life will be the same again.Children all act out differently and we must remember always that we are not the only ones ripped apart by this senseless tragedy.It's good your son is with his father,he may be able to get a handle on the situation.You seem so torn because you feel like you are defeated,try not to look at it that way.Your life is different we all have to try to move things around in our life a little to see what now might work to continue on.My prayers are with you and your family Try to feel the HUGS I send to you .Barb/Nicky's MOM
I sent you an email. I am not sure if you received but basically if you wanted help setting up a memory of life website we could help you. We find great comfort in her page as well as the moms of course.We have put many of Lisa's poems on her memory page and use a website called imikimi to make them as do many other moms. There is also one called Photobucket that works too. No one understands our pain and hopefully never will. I am very sorry about your son. This is one club where you never want to see new faces. I have learned alot of things here...even if some of it is what questions to ask...or why do I feel this way. Their is also a POMC site but this page is so much more personal...unless you go into the chat room (lol). Please know that all the moms are here for you. Sending of love to your family.
Sounds like maybe you can use a break from your son and perhaps he will realize his behavior is wrong. I now how you feel about feeling jealous...as I look at all the other mothers and children I feel that way too. I feel like I want to just scream out...You know you better take care of them because they are not yours to keep and someday you could wake up and they aren't there and your world has been shattered and your heart broken. I try not to go out as I am the type that might just say that someday. Hang in there Vickie...I know you will find your way and your son will too. WE are all here for you. Sending our Love.